My daughter shared this beautiful song with me recently - "Blessings" by Laura Story. I was having a hard day and was stressing over how we were going to survive the long days of unemployment that were upon us after my husband's job ended.
Tears began streaming down my face as I listened to the words of the chorus:
"What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"
Laura Story wrote this song after her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor and after multiple surgeries, didn't get the healing he had hoped for. They began to question whether they had an accurate picture of God's mercy.
As the song says, "We pray for blessings, we pray for peace, comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity.We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering. All the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things."
We want our life to be comfortable, prosperous and easy. But God is more interested in the journey than the ending. He develops and matures our character through hopeless circumstances. But we have to choose to draw close to Him as we travel our challenging path.
The stepfamily journey has difficult days and sleepless nights. Defiant teen-agers, belligerent ex-spouses, confusing emotions and shattered dreams contribute to hopeless days. We search for God and beg for His mercies. But as the song suggests, perhaps our blessing comes as we seek His face for comfort, compassion, and answers during our trials.
Will you consider that God could be showing His mercy through unexpected ways?
Crocuses are in full bloom in the state of AR and it is a beautiful sight. Although the temperature is still cool outside, it's a great reminder that Spring is around the corner and the harsh days of winter will be behind us.
As I gazed at our crocuses with a heavy heart this week-end, I was reminded that there's beauty following the pain of my husband's job loss. I know there are better days ahead and that hope sustains me during our period of uncertainty.
I've also seen the beauty that follows the pain of stepfamily trials. As my youngest son turned ten years old this month, I was reminded of the challenges we faced with my stepson at this age. As he headed toward his adolescent years, my stepson became rebellious and aggressive toward me. I could do nothing right in his eyes and I was constantly criticized and berated.
My husband and I sought counseling with my stepson to determine the root of his anger but simply uncovered selfish and defiant behavior. He refused to acknowledge his part of the relationship and how he was contributing to the volatile situation. After two years of unresolved conflict, he looked for greener grass by moving to live with his mom in another state.
Unfortunately, his mom was diagnosed with colon cancer the year he moved there and she valiantly fought the disease a little more than a year before passing on. The loss contributed to my stepson's anger but through counseling with hospice services after his mom's death, he began to sort through some of his hurt and anger.
My stepson returned to live with us and complete his last three years of high school. Our relationship was mended as he grew and matured, allowing me a place in his heart. He still struggles with loyalty feelings toward his mom that prevent him from completing embracing a relationship with me, but the rebellious, aggressive behavior is no longer part of our interaction.
It's easy to focus on the struggles in the midst of a trial and think they will never end, but just as we see the beauty of the crocus after a long, hard winter, we will also see the beauty of refreshment after hardship.
Are you experiencing stepfamily heartache? Will you look toward the beauty that will follow the pain?
My husband's job ends next week. We moved to Conway, AR eleven years ago for my husband to assume the position of Director of Operations with a manufacturing company. His job has provided a comfortable living for us here as we've raised our children. But, unfortunately, the downfall of the housing industry has taken a huge toll on the company and Corporate has chosen to close its doors.
We are facing the valley of the unknown. It's a scary place. We have complete faith he will land another job but that job hasn't shown up yet. So, in the meantime, we wait.
The valley of the unknown appears more often than we like on this journey of life. It has reared its head in various ways on our stepparenting path. And each time, although it was difficult to deal with, we came out successfully on the other side.
Here a few of my thoughts on coping with the valley of the unknown:
Surrender to God's plan. Give up control of the situation and ask for God's guidance. Don't try to find the answers alone. God is seeking a relationship with us and will guide our steps if we ask Him.
Unite with your spouse. Be on the same page with your spouse through the difficulty. Communicate frequently and brainstorm together for solutions. Lean on one another on the hard days and seek to find laughter through the trial.
Wait. Many times, God calls us to simply wait. I strongly dislike this one, but have endured it frequently. A beautiful illustration of how God works through the wait can be found here: Wait Poem, by Russell Kelfer.
Take the next step. As you sense answers to your dilemma, take a step of faith. Start with small steps as you overcome your fear of a new direction. Continue to seek God's plan and follow His lead.
Rejoice in new beginnings. Adopt an attitude of thankfulness as you move from the valley of the unknown to a heighth of unchartered territory. Embrace the change that accompanies a fresh start. Leave the past behind with any regrets of what could have been.
Press on. As Selah's powerful song says, "In Jesus' Name, we press on." View Selah's song.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13).
Are you in a valley of the unknown? Do you have other suggestions to offer?
Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” Francis Chan
I’ve always admired Tony Dungy. As head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, he was the first African American coach to achieve a Super Bowl victory. The 2007 win put him in an elite echelon of only three individuals who have won the Super Bowl as a player and head coach.
But those accomplishments aren’t what make Coach Dungy stand out from his peers. It’s his passionate desire to walk a path of significance characterized by uncommon attitudes, ambitions, and allegiances. He knows how to distinguish the important from the unimportant and fashion his time after what matters.
In his book, Uncommon, Finding Your Path to Significance, Coach Dungy says, “We have all missed too many memories and moments in our lives because of poorly ordered priorities. But even so, it’s never too late to set things straight … Start here: ‘Seek first his kingdom.’ (Matthew 6:33). Take a few moments to be quiet and spend time with God. He will lessen your worries about tomorrow and release you from the breathless pace of the world’s urgent priorities.”
Time spent on what matters most will look different to each of us. But if we aren’t intentional with our time, we find ourselves on the treadmill of busyness, focused on the urgency of the present, instead of the lasting permanence of significant moments.
Stepparenting is a time-consuming endeavor if we take it seriously. But, I believe it's an important role and one worth making time for. Do you agree?
How do you spend your time? Are you making time for what matters?
My stepson and stepdaugther lost their mother more than five years ago after a difficult battle with colon cancer. My stepson was 15 years old at the time and had gone to live with his mom (out of state from us)while she was sick. My stepdaughter was 20 years old and had lived with her for several years.
Following her death, we anticipated moving my stepson, Payton, back to live with us. But he had different ideas. He liked the freedom and lack of accountability he had at his stepdad's house. He didn't want to change schools and resisted every suggestion we made of moving him.
Finally, we gave in and allowed Payton to stay for a few months to grieve with his sister, half-brother and stepdad. What we didn't anticipate, however, was his anger and resentment toward us when we continued to mention the move. We had no idea that his stepdad was plotting to seek legal custody to change his living arrangements permanently.
When the sheriff arrived at our door with custody papers, we were devastated. Why would God allow this process to happen? Why does his stepdad want custody when Payton's biological father is willing and capable of taking care of him? Isn't is obvious that our home is more stable and secure than the environment Payton is living in?
We firmly believed Payton should have come to live with us immediately following his mother's funeral. But after fervent prayer, we chose not to fight the custody battle and allowed Payton to stay at his stepdad's. It was one of the hardest choices we've made concerning our children. We believed God was in control, but didn't understand the happenings.
Nine months after his mother's death, Payton called his dad to say there was trouble. His stepdad was heavily involved in drugs and he and his sister were currently staying at another relative's home. It was obvious that Payton was scared and unsure of what to do next. My husband gave him no choice at that point other than to come live with us. Payton willingly surrendered and moved in the following week.
The timing of Payton's move was different than what we wanted. But by trusting God's plan, the transition was smooth and uneventful. Payton was thankful to be at our home after several tumultuous months at his stepdad's.
God's plan is often hard to understand and His timing difficult to manage. But when we choose to plow ahead with our own plans, in our time frame, disaster ensues. There is no better plan than to wait on God's.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."
(Isaiah 55:8,9)
Are you trusting God's timing in your stepfamily circumstances, even when it doesn't make sense?
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak." Author unknown
"Pray Without Ceasing" (I Thess. 5:17). It's a short verse with powerful words that we often neglect. How easy it is to disregard our need to pray continually.
If you're dealing with stepfamily struggles that seem to have no answers, I suggest you "pray without ceasing." When we're in an attitude of prayer, we find peace in the midst of our trial.
As we guide two of our children through the murky waters of young adulthood, I was reminded of our need to pray for them constantly. The words of a Proverbs 31 ministry devotion by Susanne Scheppmann resonated with me: "Sometimes, no matter how great the parenting, some children flounder in adulthood. They wander into uncharted territory to test their independence. What's a parent to do then? If the child is of legal age, the best thing a parent can do is to pray."
Finding the Beauty of God's Grace in Your Stepfamily
Nathan, 2010
"Mom, I'm sorry my friend was talking like that in front of you," my nine year old son, Nathan, said as I put him to bed last night. He was referring to some crude language a neighbor was using while playing at our house. My son knew the comments were offensive to me.
I appreciated my son's sweet attitude toward my feelings. I was reminded of the blessing of his sensitive spirit because I haven't always experienced that with my other children. Nathan is the only child my husband and I have together, and I believe God gave me a caring, affectionate, I'm-gonna-take-care-of-my-momma boy to make up for some of the hurt and agony I've experienced with my stepchildren.
When I married my husband, my stepson was five. Because I had two girls, I didn't know much about raising a son but I dreamed of cheering him on at ballgames, hearing about his first girlfriend, and enjoying big hugs snuggled on the couch. Unfortunately, most of those dreams have not come true.
My stepson's mother was an active part of his life as a young boy and she didn't like me being involved. My authority was undermined and my behavior was criticized. It seemd as if I was on trial constantly regarding what I said or how I disciplined my stepchildren. If I made a wrong move, my husband would hear about it.
I didn't know how to stop feeling like I was competing with my stepson's mother in every arena. When I attended ballgames, all I heard was, "Way to go son. Stike him out son. Hit it over the fence son." My insecurity in my stepmother role kept me from actively participating at ballgames or school events when his mom was there.
The loyalty my stepson showed toward his mother was obvious. I was kept at arm's length because it was too complicated to show love toward his stepmother.The risk of hurting his mom's feelings was too great.
I learned to live with little expectation in my relationship with my stepson. It wasn't the way I wanted it, but it became a survival technique for me. As he grew older, the relationship showed signs of developing, but when his mom died unexpectedly when he was 15 years old, the loyalty issues returned, preventing him from moving forward in a relationship with me.
God has seen every struggle with my stepson. He knows my heart and acknowledges my hurt from years' past. When I was expecting our youngest child, I wanted another girl. I had been through so much pain with my stepson that I couldn't imagine starting over with another boy.
But God knew what I needed. He has used our sweet son, Nathan, to heal my hurts and bandage my wounds. Through His grace, He gave me a gift I can't replace. Nathan is affectionate and loving toward me every day. He is not a perfect child but he shows me unconditional love and emotional attachment like no other child. I can only explain it through God's grace.
I would not appreciate Nathan's unconditional love for me without the pain of the past. But with God's redeeming love, I can enjoy a relationship with my son that I could only dream of before.
Have you seen evidences of God's grace in your stepfamily?
"Wait, Wait, Wait on the Lord." That's the title of the most recent blog post I was reading that updates the recovery of my friend's daughter who was in a terrible car accident recently. The brain injury she suffered is taking longer to heal than anyone wants. The days are long while her family waits and watches, wondering if she will ever fully recover.
Wait. God requires that of us often.The circumstances change but the conditions remain the same. Wait.
Relationships in stepfamilies require constant waiting. We wait for them to develop, we wait for them to move forward, we wait for them to heal when hurts occur, and we wait for them to mature. It takes time. And it takes waiting.
In her book, The Stepfamily Survival Guide, by Natalie Nichols Gillespie, the author talks about the difficult wait she and her husband have been through with her oldest stepdaughter, Lorra. "Lorra has chosen as an adult not to continue her relationship with her father and me for now, and Adam (husband) and I have sobbed on many occasions over her decision. The family all know that I have had nightmares on many multiple occasions that one of my stepdaughters is getting married and I am standing outside watching through the windows because I am not allowed inside the church!"
Natalie and her husband are enduring a terrible wait. An unknown future of whether her stepdaughter will allow them to be part of her life again. An agonizing wait.
There are no easy answers on enduring difficult waits. But as believers, we can stand on God's promises. He will walk with us through the wait. He will stand beside when we can't find answers. He will guide us when we don't understand the outcome. And He will sustain us when the wait seems unending.
We have a choice. Will we resist the wait and agonize over answers on our time table? Or will we wait on God, trust His sovereignty, and allow Him complete control of our destiny?
"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
Are you waiting on the Lord? Are you seeking His presence while you wait?
