Will You Commit to Unwavering Effort and Prayers on Your Stepfamily Journey?

"Observe the ant," the great oriental conquerorTamerlane told his friends. In relating a story from his early life, he said, "I once was forced to take shelter from my enemies in a dilapidated building,where I sat alone for many hours.

 

Wishing to divert my mind from my hopeless situation, I fixed my eyes on an ant carrying a kernel of corn larger than itself up a high wall. I counted its attempts to accomplish this feat. The corn fell sixty-nine times to the ground, but the insect persevered. The seventieth time it reached the top. The ant's accomplishment gave me courage for the moment, and I never forgot the lesson." (Quoted in Streams in the Desert devotional, from The King's Business.)

Tamerlane was a Central Asian conqueror and a brilliant military leader in the late 1300s who fought without wavering and gained control of a vast region including Iraq, Armenia, Mesopotamia, Georgia, Russia, and parts of India. He died on an expedition to conquer China.

So how do we relate Tamerlane to our stepfamily journey? Stepparenting requires unwavering effort. And we may not accomplish all that we desire in our lifetime. But that doesn't mean we quit.

We may not see the rewards that Tamerlane did either. We might see very few earthly rewards. But God recognizes our efforts and will reward us.

I've been praying for a precious two-year-old girl, Stella, who was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her parents lost her sister, Charlotte, a few years ago to a different illness and were devastated when yet another child was handed a dismal prognosis. Yet, despite the overwhelming odds, their prayers for their daughter's healing are unwavering.  

As I read the mom's CaringBridge post this morning, her raw emotions tugged at my heart, but she doesn't stop asking for a miracle for her baby. Here is an excerpt:

"So it seems the cancer cells are putting pressure on the brain causing Stella to have seizures. They currently have her heavily sedated while they attempt to control the seizures. As far as I am concerned nothing revealed on the current MRI will change that this is a setback and we have to push on. Dr Saylors confirms this and we are not quitting hoping and praying that our final result will be the complete healing of our Stella Rose.

We are battered but not broken. So many parts of this are reminiscent of watching our Charlotte and I can say this is difficult for everyone who sees her. She is hooked up to a lot of tubes right now, had many fluids and is swollen because of this. ...

Pray for the seizures to get well controlled with medications, pray we get to start chemo as planned and pray we get our Stella back before the next step begins. As always ask God for a miracle."

Does your stepfamily need a miracle? Will you commit to unwavering effort and prayers on your stepfamily journey?
 

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Parenting From Your Knees

Stepfamily Detours - Where Are You Headed?

God is Enough for the Stepfamily Struggle You Face

I just finished reading God Enough: Trusting God when Life Doesn't Make Sense by Kasey Lowery Ewing. It's a beautiful story of God's faithfulness through a horrific loss as Kasey tells her story of losing her two-year-old son in an accident.

But it's not an easy story to read. As a mom/stepmom, I can identify with Kasey's raw emotions and personal struggle over a situation she can't control. I understand her need to make sense of something she can never make sense of. And I admire her courage to heal her broken heart and look to the Lord for guidance for her tough questions and comfort for her pain.

Kasey writes about a close childhood friend who watched her daddy die of cancer and offers a statement her friend wrote in her grief: "It is well with my soul, but I am not alright."

Kasey says, "This one quote resonated very deep inside me and describes how I felt that summer after Jake's death. I was not okay, but it was well with my soul. There was a deep underlying trust that God was going to get us through."

I"ve felt that same way with our stepfamily struggles many times - I was not okay but I trusted God would see us through. The future was uncertain but I knew God had a plan.

Can you relate? Are you facing a struggle in your stepfamily that you don't have answers for? Trust that God will see you through. Ask Him the tough questions, expectantly waiting for answers.

As we look to a new year it's easy to identify what went wrong last year and what we want to change this year. But if we do it on our own accord, we will fail. Only as we seek and trust the Lord for answers will we find the right answers for our struggles.

Do you believe God is enough? Did you see God's hand in your stepfamily struggles last year? Will you encourage others and share them with us?

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Offering the Gift of Prayer

Our three college children have been taking semester finals last week and this week. I've been praying for them diligently as I remember how overwhelming final exams can be.

As I was finishing my Christmas shopping this week, I ran across a merchant inside the mall who was selling hand-made gifts from Bethlehem. It was intriguing to look at the beautiful hand-carved pieces. When I spotted one of praying hands, I knew immediately I would purchase it. And not only did I purchase one, I purchased six of them.

My idea is to place one of the praying hands inside each of our children's stockings and my husband's stocking. I want each of them to keep it as a reminder that I will be praying for them daily in the upcoming year and if they have a specific need, they can always ask me to pray about it.

Four of our children are young adults, ages 18 - 26, and are making life-changing decisions at this juncture. I'm vividly aware of the mistake I made at 23 years old when I married a man that was a complete mistake, ending in divorce after years of heartache and pain. My hope is that none of our children make a dreadful decision like mine.

So I'm offering the gift of prayer to my family this year. It may not seem like a big gift and I know some of our children will appreciate the gift more than others, but it's a gift I feel is important.

What do you think? Will you consider offering the gift of prayer for your family?

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Prayer Changes Relationships

This picture is my neighborhood prayer group I have been part of for almost seven years. We meet weekly at 6:00 a.m. (just rolled out of bed - no make up or hair fixed) and pray for the needs of each family represented for an hour.

I joined this group when my husband and I were fighting a custody battle for my stepson after his  mom died and his stepfather had applied for custody. It was a very difficult time and these ladies became my support group.

Year after year of praying diligently for my stepfamily and its relationships has resulted in some amazing healing. My stepson has changed from an angry adolescent who wanted to isolate himself from our family to a maturing young adult who loves and cares for each family member.

The Mother's Day card  my stepson gave me this past Sunday brought tears to my eyes. The comments he wrote said, "After this last year, I've needed a mother the most, and you have been outstanding. Thank you for putting up with all my crazy ways and being a great mother to me!!"(exclamation marks included).  

I don't write this to brag about our relationship but only to encourage you if your stepparenting relationships are strained. I've been there. I've had so many days that I wanted to give up on my stepmother role. But as my stepchildren reach their adult years, they show me their appreciation more and more.

The rewards of stepparenting don't come during the early or middle years, they come at the end - probably after your stepchildren leave home.

But I'm convinced that the hours I've spent praying for my stepfamily and our relationships have made a difference. Our family was broken when my husband and I married 15 years ago, and only God could have put the pieces back together. 

With tears in my eyes, I said good-bye to my neighborhood prayer group last night. As  my husband and I and youngest son move to Louisiana, I'll be in search of another prayer group to join. Or perhaps, I'll start a neighborhood group where we move. But I can assure you, I won't quit praying for my stepfamily. Because prayer changes relationships.

Are you praying regularly for your stepfamily?

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Commit to the Lord

Commit to the Lord

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do and your plans will succeed." (Proverbs 16:3)

My mom told me once that kids usually figure things out eventually and get on the right path, even if they stray for awhile during their teen-age and young adult years. I was fretting over some choices one of my stepchildren had made and her positive comments were encouraging.

I believe this is true, especially if we raise our children by God's word and surround them with prayer. If we commit our parenting endeavors to the Lord, His Word promises that we will succeed.

My youngest daughter turned 18 years old this week-end. She has been a joy to parent and I'm continually thankful for her compliant nature. When she leaves for college in the Fall, we will  have only one child left at home of our five children. It's hard to accept that a big part of my parenting season is coming to a close.

But I will continue to commit our children to the Lord. I pray for them daily by name and specifically pray that our older children make wise choices. I pray that I will continue to have the opportunity to guide them through the confusion and anxiety that often accompanies young adulthood. And I ask for wisdom in my stepparenting role as I continue to grow and nurture the relationships with my stepchildren.

I don't think our parenting and stepparenting roles ever end. But there does come a time when we don't have the same influence with our children that we have during their younger years. If you're in an active parenting/stepparenting role, I encourage you to commit your endeavors to the Lord. You'll be glad you did as you see the fruits of your labor during their young adult years.

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New Beginnings

I love the first day of a new month. I can look at what happened last month and celebrate the highs. I can also recount the lows and commit to a better month from the beginning.

For those of us living in the South, March marks the end of Winter and beginning of Spring. This morning my 10-year-old son rode his bike to school in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. The promise of nicer weather lifts my spirits while I tackle the challenges of life.

As I recount the previous month, I focus on what I did right in my stepparenting relationships and what I need to do differently. I'm thankful as I reflect on an incident with my stepson that I handled better than usual.

This past Sunday, my stepson spent the afternoon with us. He was complaining to his Dad and me about several relationship issues he's struggling with. I quickly identified what I felt the problem was and wanted to blurt out his faults and how he's contributing to the issues. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and began to pray for my  husband as he counseled his son. I know that my husband has much more influence with him than I do. And although he might not make the same suggestions I would, he has a good understanding of his son and how to help him.

Stepparenting requires us to discern when to talk and when to keep our mouth shut. More often than not, we need to voice our opinion in a private discussion with our spouse, and let him/her address the issue with his/her child. The blood bond that the biological parent shares with his child allows him a greater chance of success in correcting behavior without alienating the child than the stepparent. 

It's also important to pray for our spouse, and pray specifically for wisdom, on the parenting journey. I love the reminder in James that says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

I'm thankful today for a new month. I pray it offers you a new beginning in your challenges.

Do you need to focus on a n fresh start in your stepfamily relationships? 

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Stepfamily Detours - Where Are You Headed?

I recently went to lunch at a friend's house who lives outside the city. I had never been to her house and since I'm directionally challenged, I got lost (it happens frequently, unfortunately). Since I recognize my lack of common sense with directions, I carry a Garmin with me. Once I plugged the address into my handy GPS, I was able to find her house without a problem, despite my detour.

Stepfamilies often take detours down roads they've never seen before. Wouldn't it be nice to have a GPS that gives us clear directions every time on which path to take? Unfortunately, it's not that easy. But we can decide we don't want to stay stuck on the detoured road and take the necessary steps to find our way to the right path.

For instance, our family took a detour down the custody battle road many years ago after my stepchildren lost their mother. It was a difficult road that we had never been on before and had no idea which direction to go. So, we sought professional help through legal counsel.

We considered the choices we were presented and weighed our options. We prayed about the right direction for our family. And then we made a decision that began to take us off the detoured road and back to the right path. We went down several roads with twists and turns before arriving at our destination, but we finally reached a successful end to the journey.

Some detours, such as our custody battle, take years to resolve. They don't have neatly wrapped, black and white answers. But we don't have to allow the enormity of the situation to overwhelm us and stagnate us on the detour.

If we keep moving forward with the next step we believe we are to make, we will find our way to a route with better scenery. We don't have to stay stuck in the detour. But if will require intentional effort on our part.

Where are you on your stepfamily journey? Are you stuck in a detour? What steps to you need to take toward your destination?   

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The Valley of the Unknown

My husband's job ends next week. We moved to Conway, AR eleven years ago for my husband to assume the position of Director of Operations with a manufacturing company. His job has provided a comfortable living for us here as we've raised our children. But, unfortunately, the downfall of the housing industry has taken a huge toll on the company and Corporate has chosen to close its doors.

We are facing the valley of the unknown. It's a scary place. We have complete faith he will land another job but that job hasn't shown up yet. So, in the meantime, we wait.

The valley of the unknown appears more often than we like on this journey of life. It has reared its head in various ways on our stepparenting path. And each time, although it was difficult to deal with, we came out successfully on the other side.

Here a few of my thoughts on coping with the valley of the unknown:

Surrender to God's plan. Give up control of the situation and ask for God's guidance. Don't try to find the answers alone. God is seeking a relationship with us and will guide our steps if we ask Him.

Unite with your spouse. Be on the same page with your spouse through the difficulty. Communicate frequently and brainstorm together for solutions. Lean on one another on the hard days and seek to find laughter through the trial.

Wait. Many times, God calls us to simply wait. I strongly dislike this one, but have endured it frequently. A beautiful illustration of how God works through the wait can be found here: Wait Poem, by Russell Kelfer. 

Take the next step. As you sense answers to your dilemma, take a step of faith. Start with small steps as you overcome your fear of a new direction. Continue to seek God's plan and follow His lead.

Rejoice in new beginnings. Adopt an attitude of thankfulness as you move from the valley of the unknown to a heighth of unchartered territory. Embrace the change that accompanies a fresh start. Leave the past behind with any regrets of what could have been.

Press on. As Selah's powerful song says, "In Jesus' Name, we press on." View Selah's song.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13).

Are you in a valley of the unknown? Do you have other suggestions to offer?

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Parenting From Your Knees

I told my husband this past week that getting our children successfully to adulthood is requiring more effort and time than I envisioned. Several of our children are in the young adult age but show evidence of immaturity and poor choices more often than I want to admit.  

For instance, I received an e-mail this week stating my stepson was in jeopardy of being expelled from his college because of attendance problems at chapel. He attends a private Christian university that requires he attend an hour long chapel service each week. Sometime last semester, he decided he didn't want to go anymore and quit attending.

As my husband spoke with him about it over dinner, my stepson admitted to his nonchalant attitude toward the chapel policy and his negligence in attending. With only a year left to graduate, he doesn't want to be expelled. Thankfully, he committed to doing what the school requires for chapel make-ups and regular attendance in the future.

However, we can't control whether he actually follows the school requirements or not. As a college student living in his own apartment, he makes his own decisions, good and bad. But we can pray daily that he makes wise choices and seeks the Lord diligently.

In her book, Prayer Changes Teens, Janet McHenry says, "No matter how much we love our kids and want to protect them, we cannot control them or their circumstances. But God is in control, and He can take care of our kids far better than we ever could. ... Give control back to God and get back to what you enjoy most - loving your teen." 

As a stepmom who struggles with control issues, that's a good reminder for me. I like to think I can control my children's behavior, but that's grandiose thinking. The sooner I give up control and allow God to be in charge, the greater likelihood of a positive end result.

I'll give you an update on chapel attendance at the end of the semester. But for now, I need to go talk to God.

What are you trying to control? Do you need to parent from your knees more often?

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Making Resolutions that Count

Happy New Year! As we begin a new year, it's a great time to reflect on how things are going in our stepfamily life and what areas need attention. I don't make a lot of resolutions because I would rather set short-term attainable goals, but I have made a resolution this year that I know can make a difference in our family: pray daily for my husband and each of our five children.

 It's a simple resolution but an important one. Since three of our five children live outside the home, I don't always know specific struggles going on with them. But I can easily pray for them anyway and lift up concerns that I do know about and other general issues of importance.

I saw a quote on twitter last week (not sure who said it) that I pondered for a while before I decided I agreed with it: "Talk with God about your children more than you talk with your children about God." I'm a firm believer in talking to our children about God, but particularly since our children are older, I have less opportunity and see the value of vigilant prayer about them.

That doesn't mean I neglect the opportunities to talk with them about God; it means I understand the importance of constant prayer. As I pray for them, it could open up more doors to communicate with them.  (BTW, if you're on twitter, connect with me @GaylaGrace).

Prayer is a powerful discipline that we often neglect. We're too busy finding answers to our problems instead of taking our problems to the Answer.

What resolutions have you made this year? Will you share them with us?

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Friday's Fav Scripture - "Pray Without Ceasing"

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak." Author unknown

"Pray Without Ceasing" (I Thess. 5:17). It's a short verse with powerful words that we often neglect. How easy it is to disregard our need to pray continually.

If you're dealing with stepfamily struggles that seem to have no answers, I suggest you "pray without ceasing." When we're in an attitude of prayer, we find peace in the midst of our trial.

As we guide two of our children through the murky waters of young adulthood, I was reminded of our need to pray for them constantly. The words of a Proverbs 31 ministry devotion by Susanne Scheppmann resonated with me:  "Sometimes, no matter how great the parenting, some children flounder in adulthood. They wander into uncharted territory to test their independence. What's a parent to do then? If the child is of legal age, the best thing a parent can do is to pray."

A good reminder. Do you agree?

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Some Days are Harder than Others as a Stepparent

Let Go and Let God

"Dad, we've been in a wreck. We're not hurt but my car is pretty messed up." My stepson, Payton, relayed the disturbing news Friday night after he and two of his buddies were involved in a car wreck that totalled his car. Physically he wasn't hurt, but emotionally he was destroyed.

It was the final straw for Payon in a series of events that left him feeling hopeless. Recently robbed at gunpoint in his apartment, struggling in a financial management class that could jeopardize his academic scholarship, managing an unsatisfactory work schedule with a less-than-understanding boss, and now coping with the anguish of an auto accident that destroyed his car. He sat at our kitchen table with tears in his eyes, his head in his hands saying, "What do I do?"

We've all had those days. Times of complete failure and absolute hopelessness. Days when it seemed our stepfamily relationships would never get better, even though we were doing all we knew to do. Periods of outright despair.

Maybe that's where you are today. Perhaps you're tired of the struggle and ready to call it quits on your family. I urge you - don't give up. As we shared with Payton, let go and let God. He can work a miracle if you trust Him.

In Courage to Change, Al-Anon Family Groups offers good advice on the AA slogan, Let Go and Let God. "The more tightly I clutch my problems to my mind, the less opportunity I give God to help me work them out. God's help is always available; all we have to do it to make room for Him to take part in our lives and keep ourselves ready to accept His guidance."

When we let go and let God, we give up control of the problem and ask for His help in the solution. We admit our powerlessness over the situation and surrender our will to His will. 

It takes a concious effort on our part. It requires risk ... but offers freedom.

"Come near to God and He will come near to you." (James 4:8)

Do you need to let go and let God? Will you share the result of past experience with surrending to His will in your stepfamily?

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Looking for Answers?

Back to School Tips, Part One

The start of school is upon us and it seems a good time to think about how to have a successful school year with our children/stepchildren.

So, I want to include a few tips over the next several posts.

The most important part we can play as stepparents is to commit to pray for our stepchildren regularly during the upcoming school year. If we dedicate a specific time and place to pray daily, it is more likely that it will happen.

In her book, The Power of a Praying Parent, Stormie Omartian says, "The battle for our children's lives is waged on our knees. When we don't pray, it's like sitting on the sidelines watching our children in a war zone getting shot at from every angle. When we do pray, we're in the battle alongside them, appropriating God's power on their behalf."

When our son, Nathan, was in a near-fatal car accident at 15 months old, I began to recognize the importance of praying daily for our children. Nathan had injuries that could have resulted in life-altering disabilities. Instead, as a result of constant prayer from friends and family members, Nathan recovered fully and has few visible signs from his tragic accident.

Following that accident, I began following a ritual of praying for Nathan's safety every night at bedtime. I have continued that pattern faithfully and believe my prayers allow a rambunctious young boy to live life to the fullest with protection from a powerful God.

As our children begin a new school year, there are many things we can't do for them to help the year go smoother. But there is one big thing we can do for them regularly: pray.

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

Will you commit to pray regularly for your stepchildren this year?