Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

I'll never forget the first holiday season our family celebrated together. My husband and I had married in mid-October and the holidays descended upon us before we could get settled in our new surroundings. My expectations of a joyous holiday season quickly faded as the reality of chaos and heartache took over.

Blending four young children, managing a harried schedule with two uncooperative ex-spouses while grappling with my expectations of a perfect, first holiday ignited a simmering blaze that burned throughout the season, leaving behind a trail of hurt feelings and defeat.

How could I expect it to be perfect? Because I'm a perfectionist. I wanted to prove to myself and others that, despite the odds of our new marriage and complexities, we could have a perfect, delightful holiday season. I was wrong.

In her book, Set Free to Live Free: Breaking through the 7 Lies Women Tell Themselves, Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith writes, "Perfection is not the goal on earth. ... Your life is a progressive journey. There will be times of success and times of failure. There will be times of faith and times of doubt. There will be moments of joy and moments of fear. You cannot maneuver this obstacle course we call life and expect to finish the race perfectly."

I've given up the idea of a perfect holiday season. But that doesn't mean it won't be meaningful. There may be squabbles among the kids, or sour attitudes while shopping, or a less-than-perfect decorated tree by my children, but that doesn't mean I won't cherish the memories of time together as a family.

You see, our time as a family isn't the same anymore. We only have one of our five children still living at home and we will only all be together briefly on Christmas day. So, I choose to value how small or large our family gathering is and enjoy every moment we have together as an imperfect family.

In our book, Thriving at the Holidays,  Heather writes, "Life rarely goes  as planned and the tighter we hold onto expectations of the perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas, the tighter, tenser and more stressed we are likely to feel. Let the strands of Christmas tree lights, not our emotions, be the only thing that gets tangled up this holiday season. Peace in the heart leads to peace in the home."

Have you experienced lesss-than-perfect holidays in the past? How did you cope?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Face Your Challenges

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Do the Right Thing

You Don't Have to be Super StepMom

I was talking to a stepmom this week who is recently divorced.  She had two stepchildren and told of her struggle to be Super StepMom. But it didn't matter how hard she tried, it didn't change the difficult relationship with her stepchildren.

There are so many variables that influence what kind of relationship we have with our stepchildren. And many of those variables are beyond our control.

We can make every effort to be Stepmom of the Year but come to the end of the year with the same relationship we started at the beginning. But that doesn't mean we have to accept the blame for the rejection.

During my stepson's adolescent years, he found all kinds of reasons to dislike me. Some of them might have been legitimate, but most were unfounded. Regardless of how hard I tried to be a good stepmom to him, he rejected my efforts.

I have been married to my stepson's dad for 16 years and after many difficult years, my stepson and I now have a good relationship. It isn't because I became a different person toward him. It's because he has matured into a young man who, at 21 years old, recognizes and appreciates the role I've played in his life.   

Did I want to quit being his stepmom during those adolescent years? Absolutely! Did I deserve the treatment I received? No! Am I thankful I didn't walk away? Yes!

Acting as a Super StepMom doesn't guarantee a good relationship with your stepchild, and usually results in unmet expectations. Consistent love over time, through the ups and downs of life, could be the difference. But regardless of your stepchild's behavior, the only way you fail in this role, is if you quit.

Do you need to give up the role of Super StepMom and the expectations that go with it?

Related Posts:

What is our Role as a Stepparent?

When Stepparenting Feels Too Hard: Four Ways to Overcome Discouragement

There's Beauty After the Pain

Stinkin' Thinkin' Creates Bitter Quitters in Blended Families

Are you guilty of stinkin' thinkin' - do you know what it looks like?

Here are some examples:

- My stepchild will never like me so why do I bother trying to have a relationship with him/her?

- No one understands these feelings of rejection as a stepparent - I'm living on an island by myself.

- My husband has no idea how difficult this is - it's useless to talk to him about it.

- Re-marriage is just too hard - looks like I'm headed for divorce again.


Have you had those thoughts? Can you list others? It's easy to get tangled in a web of negative thinking about our blended family. But we can make a choice to think differently and have positive outcomes.

Well known poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A man is what he thinks about all  day long." In other words, if we dwell on the negative parts of our life, every aspect of our being will reflect negativity.

But if we focus on the positive nuggets of our situation, we create positive surroundings for ourselves.

In his book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," Norman Vincent Peale supports this thinking when he states, "Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. Think positively, for example, and you set in motion positive forces which bring positive results to pass. ... On the contrary, think negative thoughts and you create around yourself an atmosphere propitious to the development of negative results."

Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. I love that!

Dr. Peale is suggesting that we influence our situation with our thinking. So, if we want our stepchildren to respond positively toward us, we need to create that scenario in our head. When we think positively toward them and expect positive behavior from them, they will begin to respond that way.

Our demeanor reflects what we are thinking. When we have negative thoughts circling through our mind, we give off negative vibes toward those around us. Our stepchildren can feel our negativity and will react accordingly.

I've seen this happen with my own stepchildren. If I choose to dwell on negative thoughts toward them, I respond to them with an insensitive spirit and critical remarks. Even if I don't say anything, my nonverbal language speaks volumes. They can sense my negativity and respond in anger or frustration.

On the other hand, if I choose to think positively toward them and my verbal and nonverbal language reflects a like demeanor, they feel loved and accepted. It's easy for them to respond favorably toward a loving spirit.

Are you up for a challenge? Think only positive thoughts about your stepchildren and re-marriage today. If something negative creeps into your mind, turn it around and find a positive twist. See if it makes a difference. Leave a comment and let me know the results.

Will you make an intentional effort to focus on positive thinking with your stepchildren and re-marriage? 

Related Posts:

Is it a Privilege to be a Stepparent?

When Stepparenting Feels Too Hard: 4 Tips for Overcoming Discouragement

It's Always Too Early to Quit

National Stepfamily Day!

Did you know today is National Stepfamily Day? It's a day to celebrate your victories as a stepfamily and affirm your role as a stepparent.

A report from the Pew Research Center that came out in January of this year, reported that 42% of American adults have at least one step-relative in their family. There are now 29.5 million stepparents in the United States, and that number continues to grow.

But are stepparents confident in the role they play? Are there adequate resources to help stepparents on their stepparenting journey?

Stepfamily life is not easy. If your stepfamily is struggling, I want to recommend a few resources. Stepfamily counseling/support saved our marriage during the early years. Don't wait to get help if you need  it.

Smart Stepfamilies  Ron L. Deal offers the absolute best resources for stepfamilies. He has written several books, conducts nationwide conferences, and offers intensive counseling for stepparents.

The Smart Stepmom workshops  Laura Petherbridge has written a book with Ron Deal titled, "The Smart Stepmom," and offers workshops on stepfamilies, divorce recovery, and navigating relationships.

Opportunities Unlimited   Gordon and Carrie Taylor offer personal experience and expertise as a resource for relational development in the stepfamily through conferences, counseling, communication skills training and coaching.

Instep Ministries  This non-profit organization offers practical resources to support single, divorced, and remarried individuals.


These are just a few of the many resources available for stepfamilies but I particularly recommend them because they are faith-based.

I hope you will take the time to enjoy your stepfamily on National Stepfamily Day. I affirm your commitment to your stepparenting role and pray you will thrive as a stepfamily.

What will you do to honor your stepfamily today? Please share your ideas in the comments.

 
Related Posts:

What is our Role as a Stepparent?

Encouraging Ebook for Stepmothers

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries with a Difficult Ex-Spouse

When I married my husband, Randy, I told him my ex-husband would not be a problem because he would eventually drop out of our lives. He had struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years and although he was a medical doctor, he was a most unstable person.

However, I was wrong.

Sixteen years later, Randy and I converse regularly about how to cope with the tension my ex-husband creates. His interaction with my daughters frequently results in confusion and anger for the girls. 

 I have spent hours on the phone with my ex-husband, trying to explain how his behavior alienates his children from him, creating a wall of divide that will probably never come down. 

Despite every effort to have a healthy relationship with him, I have concluded that we simply cannot maintain a mature, thriving relationship. And in order to protect myself from an emotional entanglement, it's necessary to  set appropriate boundaries regularly. 

Now I'm not suggesting this is the case with every ex-spouse. I know many divorced parents who maintain an amicable relationship and successfully co-parent their children together. I strongly encourage healthy interaction with your ex-spouse. But I know from experience, that isn't always possible.

So, how do you create healthy boundaries with a difficult ex-spouse? I'll tackle that in my next post but first, I want to explain what boundaries look like.

In their book, Boundaries (which I highly recommend), Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, define a boundary as, "a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsbile. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are  not." 

Here are some examples from the book:

"Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.

Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.

Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others."

Boundaries give us the freedom to create and maintain healthy relationships with others without losing ourselves in the process.

Christians are especially vulnerable to living without appropriate boundaries as we seek to demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love toward others. But Christ doesn't ask us to become doormats or spineless creatures in the process.

We are created to be in constant fellowship with Him, and that cannot occur if we're wallowing in self-pity or exploding in anger because of our lack of boundaries with those around us.

Does that make sense? Can you recognize the need for boundaries if you're dealing with a difficult ex-spouse?

Related Posts:

Your Ex-Spouse and Boundaries

Healthy Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse

Coping with Difficult People

Back to School Routines and Your Stepfamily- Peaceful or Chaotic?

As another school year gets underway, many stepfamilies are adjusting to new routines. Stepchildren may be adjusting to different expectations at Mom and Dad's house with homework and after-school activities. Stepparents may be forced to alter everyday patterns to accomodate bus schedules or after-school pickup.

The changing routines can wreak havoc on a stepfamily already struggling with fragile egos and tense emotions.

For stepparents, navigating a successful path through the back to school maze takes a calm spirit and flexible attitude. 

 I recall stressful mornings of years' past as I struggled to get out the door to my full-time job while making sure our four children had breakfast, a packed lunch, school papers signed, an after-school pickup plan, and were headed to the bus by 7:30. I recall telling a counselor during our early years of marriage, "School mornings are too stressful and I'm not sure how to change it."     

Oftentimes, the only thing we can change to make stepfamily living less stressful is ourselves. I couldn't change the crazy schedule we lived for several years with kids navigating between households, stressful jobs, and defiant attitudes. But I could change how I reacted to the stress of the situation.

When I made an intentional effort to stay calm during the heat of a battle with one of my stepchildren, I made strides toward a positive outcome while resolving the conflict. When I chose to stay flexible through an ever-changing back and forth routine with my stepchildren, I was better able to meet the demands required of me with those routines.

I'm not saying it was easy. I like routine and I want the routine to stay the same every day. But that's simply not possible in stepfamilies.

I like an orderly home with school papers put in place, and homework assignments completed on time. But  I learned to adjust to the erratic ways of teen-agers who seem to work best with papers scattered all around while completing a project, or head-banging music that  helps them think while they finish their paper at midnight (which was always restricted to their bedroom!)

Back to school routines create yet another stressful period as stepfamilies make adjustments to accommodate one another. But with a flexible attitude and a calm spirit, we can help our stepchildren adjust to their new routines and thrive in their new school surroundings, creating an environment in our home that benefits each one of us.  

How is your back to school routine going? Does it need a dose of flexibility or an extra effort toward a calm spirit?

Related Posts:

Back to School Tips: Expect the Best

Back to School Tips:  Evaluating our Schedule

When Stepparenting Feels Too Hard - Four Ways to Overcome Discouragement

Do you have days when you want to call it quits on your stepparenting efforts? Days when it seems that no matter how hard you try, the results are not what you want?


I had one of those days recently. The challenges were not all related to stepparenting, but some were, and by the end of the day, I was not in a good place emotionally or spiritually. So, I began to consider what to do to change my negative thinking pattern. Here are some ideas that surfaced:

1. Remember that "this too will pass." Circumstances change, relationships change, and living arrangements change. If you're having a bad day with a stepchild, remember, he/she will eventually grow up and leave home. We had four children living at home 15 months ago and we now have one. Change is one thing we can count on, but it often brings positive results.

2.Work through difficult feelings with a friend. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person and consider your part in the situation. Find support through a prayer group or Bible study. But, if you cannot get past feelings of anger, rejection,or self-pity, you may need to consider stepfamily coaching  or other professional help.

3. Make an intentional effort to stay positive.  In his book, The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale says, "Take charge of your thoughts. You can do what you will with them." We can choose to think positively about our stepchild who is pushing our buttons and constructively work through conflict, or we can ruminate negatively about his/her shortcomings and create a tension-filled home. Our behavior is the result of our thoughts.

4. Find hope in the Lord. Look to the one true Source for help. Hope in the Lord brings strength, perseverance, and encouragement. Psalms 62:5-8 says, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Have you had a difficult day recently on your stepparenting journey? Can you offer other suggestions?

Related Posts:

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Coping with Stepfamily Storms

Unexpected Stepparenting Moments

*Note to Readers: Our out-of-state move begins next week. My blogging will be sporadic for the next month but I hope to return to a regular schedule by late summer.

Yesterday was my 50th birthday. A milestone. I had great plans for a leisurely morning on my son's first day of summer, while considering a movie before going to dinner with my girlfriends. (With my husband working out of state, I planned my own celebration). But my plans went completely awry.

"I'm headed to the Emergency Room," I heard my stepson, Payton, say on the other end of the phone as I scrambled out of bed. "I'm in severe pain in my lower back and don't know what to do." I sensed panic in his voice and tried to calm  his fears. "Let me call the doctor and try to get you in. You will sit for hours at the ER," I said. "Come to the house so I can help you."

Less than an hour later we were waiting in the doctor's office, my stepson barely able to sit on the exam table.The doctor explained that it appeared he had a kidney stone and would need to wait it out, pushing fluids and surviving on pain meds while praying the stone would pass on its own. I suspected that was the diagnosis we would hear and I think my stepson was relieved it wasn't anything more serious. But kidney stones are not fun to deal with.

I dropped Payton at our house to rest while I picked up his pain medicine. Upon returning, I found him curled in a fetal position, trying to cope with the pain. He took the medicine and began a steady intake of fluids. As the medicine began to take effect, he dozed off quietly.

He stayed at the house most of the day while I encouraged fluid intake and resting. He expressed sincere appreciation for my help during his time of need. He knew it was my birthday and apologized for the inconvenience. But I was thankful I could help.

I reflected on the day later with my sister and she remarked, "That's just how life goes, isn't it?" It was okay that I didn't get to enjoy a leisurely morning or make it to the movies. I did enjoy a special dinner with dear friends that evening as we celebrated my birthday. And I cherished the fact that I was able to help my stepson through a difficult day.

Critical stepparenting moments occur when we least expect them. But if we take the time to rise to the occasion, those are the moments most appreciated by our stepchildren.

Have you experienced unexpected stepparenting moments lately?

Related Posts:

Expect the Unexpected on Your Stepparenting Journey

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

I have a cracked tooth. I went to the dentist this morning and heard some unexpected news. Because it's one of my front teeth and it has small cracks throughout the tooth, I was told I will eventually need to crown the tooth or consider veneers.

Instead of a simple filling to fix the tooth, I have to consider a completely different alternative - not a bad solution, just different (and much more expensive!) than what I anticipated.

The scenario reminded me of a poem my sister (stepmom of  three) mentioned to me recently. It was actually written for parents of autistic children, but is just as applicable for stepparents.

It illustrates the point that when we find ourselves in a situation that's different than what we want, we can learn to appreciate the good about it or spend our time regretting what we wish we had.

If we're constantly comparing our family to those around us in traditional families, we will never learn to appreciate the value and uniqueness of our stepfamily.

I hope you enjoy the poem as much as I have.

Welcome to Holland

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.


It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley

Can you learn to appreciate Holland or are you stuck in regret about Italy?


Related Posts:

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

Is it a Privilege to be a Stepparent?

New ebook for Stepmothers available today!

I'm excited to announce a new e-book a fellow stepmom, Heather Hetchler, and I compiled that can be downloaded for FREE from my website home page. It's a collection of  personal, real-life stories and struggles from seasoned stepmom authors that are designed to encourage and support you on your journey.

Here's a sampling from a story titled "Learning how to Love," by Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom:

"If I'm being totally honest there were times in my early years as a stepmom that I didn't even like my stepsons, much less love them. To me they appeared spoiled and pampered, plus everyone in my husband's family seemed to tip-toe around their wants and whines. ... But as a Christian I desired to learn how to love them. I knew Christ could teach me, if I was willing."

"The first thing God revealed to me was that I had a tainted view of the boys. They were hurting kids, not bratty villains. Their sharp, stinging comments were merely an angry response to their circumstances. They didn't view me as a wonderful new addition to their family; to them I was the new woman rocking their boat of security. In their eyes, I was taking away their Daddy."

Here's another sampling from a story titled "Acceptance," by Jackie Brown:

"Having my stepdaughter 24/7 was not what I had planned. My life became a roller coaster of angry, sad, unhappy, and at times, depressed feelings. The reality is that I suffered a loss ... a loss of the way things were and the way I wanted them to be.

I learned first-hand that there are many things you have to accept in the role of being a full-time stepmom:

Accept that your time, space, and privacy are different from what they once were.
Accept that being a stepmom is unfair and lonely at times.
Accept that you may not see the fruits of your sacrifices until the stepchildren become adults.
Accept that there will be many sacrifices that often go unnoticed."

There are great stories in this e-book. I hope you'll hop over and download this free ebook today. Then, come back and let me know what you think.

Happy Mother's Day!

Steps for Successful Stepparenting

If you're joining me today from my guest post on The Stepmom's Toolbox website, Welcome!

 My husband,  Randy, and I participated in the Little Rock Marathon events this week-end. Randy ran the full marathon, posting a faster time than his previous four marathon events. (I ran the half marathon). Pictured on the left is my husband with his HUGE medal and a friend he ran with part of the way.

On our way home from LR, we began to talk about how he improved his time this year. Many of his training methods relate to similar strategies we can use as stepparents.

1. If it isn't working, try something different. Randy had struggled with leg cramps toward the end of each previous marathon race. This time, he sought help from a specialty running store and used some magnesium tablets that seem to have prevented the cramps, allowing him to decrease his walk breaks at the end of the race.

If you're struggling in a particular area of our stepparenting role and don't know a solution, it may be time to seek help. Find a pastor, trusted friend or counselor who is familiar with stepfamily dynamics to confide in and seek advice.

2.  Be willing to invest a lot of time. Preparing to run 26.2 miles in a marathon is a big deal. The training schedule involves 18-22 weeks of strenuous running, along with other cross training workouts. Attempting to run a marathon without the training leads to failure.

Successful stepparenting also involves a lot of time. Stepping into your stepchild's life and expecting an instant relationship only leads to disappointment. Be willing to spend time getting to know your stepchild, understanding his likes/dislikes, and finding common ground on which to build a relationship.

3. Expect setbacks along the way. Long distance training often leads to injury. The workouts are hard and your body begins to break down. An unexpected weakness shows up through a muscle strain, bone fracture, or ligament tear. With adequate rest and therapy, injuries heal and the training can begin again.

Stepparents can also expect setbacks. A difficult ex-spouse, rebellious teen-ager, or unexpected conflict can lead to setback. It may take months or years to work through a difficult phase, but progress can always begin again if you don't give up.

4. The biggest prize comes at the end but there are rewards along the journey. The medal earned for completing a marathon is placed around the runner's neck as he crosses the finish line. However, a sense of pride and satisfaction is enjoyed throughout the training period as a runner sets and reaches goals he never dreamed possible.

The greatest reward for successful stepparenting is experienced as stepchildren leave home, appreciative of strong relationships they share with one another. However, stepparenting also has rewards throughout the journey as bonding occurs and love for one another develops.

Successful stepparenting, like marathon training, has rewards worth seeking. But the journey to the finish line can also be cherished.

What steps have led to success on your stepparenting journey? 

Related Posts:

Expect the Unexpected on Your Stepparenting Journey

Stepfamily Trap: It's My Way or the Highway

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Commit to the Long Run

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

What's stressing you today? Have the little things of life become big things because you're having trouble letting go? Is your stepchild relationship experiencing a small leak that's about to lead to a blowout?

How we react to what happens around us determines a hostile or peaceful outcome. If my stepson shoots a glaring look my way, I can choose to ignore it or I can let it ruin my day. If my stepdaughter challenges my thinking on something I believe in, I can spout off a defensive remark or I can stand firm in my position while shrugging my shoulders.

There are a multitude of things that happen every day in our stepfamily relationships that are not worth getting stressed about. When we identify which battles we want to fight, and leave the rest alone, we find more serentiy for our journey. 

My good friend and stepfamily authority, Ron L. Deal, says his whole perspective on life changed after he lost his son from a brief illness. He says he doesn't stress anymore about a spilled drink in the living room or whether every paper gets put in the recycling bin. Life is simply too short to spend our days bothered over trivial matters.

In his book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff, Dr. Richard Carlson says he plays a game with himself called the "time warp." He says, "I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp," all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, 'Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be? Will this matter a year from now?' Once in a great while it may be -- but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't."

So, next time your stepchild leaves his laundry in the washing machine and goes to school, leaving it for you to finish, remind yourself that it won't matter a year from now. That doesn't mean you don't address the issue when he comes in from school and seek to correct it from happening again, but it does mean you choose not to stew over it the rest of the day.

Are you sweating the small stuff in your stepfamily relationships?

Related Posts:

Let Go of the Guilt

Stepfamily Trap: The Danger of Denying our Feelings

Sick of Stepparenting?

New Beginnings

I love the first day of a new month. I can look at what happened last month and celebrate the highs. I can also recount the lows and commit to a better month from the beginning.

For those of us living in the South, March marks the end of Winter and beginning of Spring. This morning my 10-year-old son rode his bike to school in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. The promise of nicer weather lifts my spirits while I tackle the challenges of life.

As I recount the previous month, I focus on what I did right in my stepparenting relationships and what I need to do differently. I'm thankful as I reflect on an incident with my stepson that I handled better than usual.

This past Sunday, my stepson spent the afternoon with us. He was complaining to his Dad and me about several relationship issues he's struggling with. I quickly identified what I felt the problem was and wanted to blurt out his faults and how he's contributing to the issues. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and began to pray for my  husband as he counseled his son. I know that my husband has much more influence with him than I do. And although he might not make the same suggestions I would, he has a good understanding of his son and how to help him.

Stepparenting requires us to discern when to talk and when to keep our mouth shut. More often than not, we need to voice our opinion in a private discussion with our spouse, and let him/her address the issue with his/her child. The blood bond that the biological parent shares with his child allows him a greater chance of success in correcting behavior without alienating the child than the stepparent. 

It's also important to pray for our spouse, and pray specifically for wisdom, on the parenting journey. I love the reminder in James that says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

I'm thankful today for a new month. I pray it offers you a new beginning in your challenges.

Do you need to focus on a n fresh start in your stepfamily relationships? 

Related Posts:

PositiveThinking Results in Successful Stepparenting

When Our Thinking  Becomes Distorted

Parenting From Your Knees

Expect the Unexpected on Your Stepparenting Journey

I have a good friend who is raising her step-granddaughter because her stepdaughter has proven too unstable for the responsibility. I have another friend who could be assuming full custody with her husband of her three stepchildren because their biological mom continues to struggle on the road of addiction.

Difficult happenings on the stepparenting journey that cannot be predicted. They're all around us. As a stepparent, will you muster the effort and energy to go the extra mile when your family road takes a turn of events?

I believe we are called to do whatever it takes to keep our family intact if we sign up for the role by saying, "I do." We unite with our spouse as a team and commit to minister to our stepchildren through the ups and downs of stepparenting. It doesn't mean the road will be easy, but God will give us the strength and power to sustain us on the road He allows us to walk.

In their book, The Smart Stepmom, Laura Petherbridge and Ron Deal acknowledge some of the complex issues that can show up unexpectedly on the stepparenting journey and how a smart stepmom deals with them. Here are a few thoughts to ponder:

"A Smart Stepmom:

- discovers the things she can control and releases the things she can't.

- is prepared. She isn't naive or ambused by complex stepfamily issues and is flexible to cope with matters that she didn't see coming.

- is constantly growing and learning about wise stepparenting and parenting techniques.

- has a strong support system with other women who share her values.

- recognizes that there are limits to her contributions to decision-making regarding her stepchildren's lives

- accepts that sometimes being a stepmother is going to be unfair and lonely.

- acknowledges that she may not see the fruit of her sacrifices until the children become adults.

- believes that her value is determined by the price Jesus paid for her and that she is precious in God's eyes. This awareness offers her enduring peace even in challenging circumstances."

Has your stepparening journey taken an unexpected turn? How are you coping?

Related Posts:

Coping with Fear

Discovering God's Grace in my Stepfamily

Dear Stepparent: Never Underestimate Your Value with Your Stepchildren

Stepfamily Detours - Where Are You Headed?

I recently went to lunch at a friend's house who lives outside the city. I had never been to her house and since I'm directionally challenged, I got lost (it happens frequently, unfortunately). Since I recognize my lack of common sense with directions, I carry a Garmin with me. Once I plugged the address into my handy GPS, I was able to find her house without a problem, despite my detour.

Stepfamilies often take detours down roads they've never seen before. Wouldn't it be nice to have a GPS that gives us clear directions every time on which path to take? Unfortunately, it's not that easy. But we can decide we don't want to stay stuck on the detoured road and take the necessary steps to find our way to the right path.

For instance, our family took a detour down the custody battle road many years ago after my stepchildren lost their mother. It was a difficult road that we had never been on before and had no idea which direction to go. So, we sought professional help through legal counsel.

We considered the choices we were presented and weighed our options. We prayed about the right direction for our family. And then we made a decision that began to take us off the detoured road and back to the right path. We went down several roads with twists and turns before arriving at our destination, but we finally reached a successful end to the journey.

Some detours, such as our custody battle, take years to resolve. They don't have neatly wrapped, black and white answers. But we don't have to allow the enormity of the situation to overwhelm us and stagnate us on the detour.

If we keep moving forward with the next step we believe we are to make, we will find our way to a route with better scenery. We don't have to stay stuck in the detour. But if will require intentional effort on our part.

Where are you on your stepfamily journey? Are you stuck in a detour? What steps to you need to take toward your destination?   

Related Posts:

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Commit to the Long Run

Let Go and Let God

Coping with Stepfamily Storms

  

Stepfamily Trap: "It's My Way or the Highway"

"The divorce was final today," my husband's co-worker said to him. "We tried to work things out but we could never agree on the parenting of our kids."

My husband related the conversation to me of a stepfather he worked with who had been married less than five years. Both husband and wife brought children to the marriage and argued constantly about how to parent each other's child. There was never any unity or give and take between  the couple; it was always "my way or the highway." Unfortunately, the highway won out.

In his book, The Smart Stepfamily, stepfamily authority Ron Deal says one of the key barriers to marital oneness in stepfamilies that contributes to the higher divorce rate is parent-child allegiance. When a husband or wife chooses to regularly side with his/her child over his/her spouse, it sets the marriage up to fail.

Deal says, "When push comes to shove, the allegiance (or loyalty) between parents and children often wins out over the marriage unless the couple can form a unified position of leadership. If they cannot govern the family as a team, the household is headed for anger, jealousy, and unacceptance. Unity within the couple's relationship bridges the emotional gap between the stepparent and stepchildren and positions both adults to lead the family." 

"If a biological parent is not willing to build such a bridge with the stepparent, the stepchildren will receive an unhealthy amount of power in the home," Deal says. "All they have to do is cry "unfair" and their parent protects them from the "mean, nasty" stepparent. This almost always results in marital tension, conflict, resentment, and isolation."

Unity within the couple relationship must be a priority for a step-couple. It doesn't happen naturally or overnight, but it can happen with intentional effort and constant awareness. Successful stepparenting happens when a couple takes a unified approach to parenting.

Are you and your spouse on the same team in your parenting efforts?

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Stepfamily Traps - Are You Caught in One of Them?

Sensitive issues in stepfamilies can rise up unexpectedly and bring inner turmoil like a gust of wind. Some issues can be easily resolved with few lingering afteraffects, but other challenges create traps that stepfamilies get hung in and linger on for months if not worked through properly.

So, I want to address common stepfamily traps in the next few posts and solutions for coping with them. I would love to hear from you as to what traps you've overcome or suggestions for the traps we discuss.

Trap #1: Trying to Replace the Biological Parent

When we spend a lot of time with our stepchildren, we may begin to feel we can replace their biological parent. Particularly if our spouse has custody of his children, we bond with our stepchildren through day to day interaction. We may feel that we do a better job parenting their child than their non-custodial parent and try to take over their role.

It usually doesn't take long for a stepchild to let you know if you're overstepping your bounds. Even if the relationship with his/her natural parent is a rocky one, your stepchild is emotionally vested with his parent.

In her book, The Courage to be a Stepmom, Sue Patton Thoele says it best, "The fact is that no matter how wonderful we are, no matter how much we add to our stepchildren's lives, and no matter how much they love us, in most cases, blood is thicker than remarriage."

When we try to replace our stepchildren's parent, we lose. We can't take the place of their biological parent, even if that parent is a loser! The best approach for a stepparent is to be an additional parent.

Our stepchildren can never have too many adults in their lives who are willing to love and accept them unconditionally. As the relationship with our stepchild strengthens, we can move into a parental role but we should never assume we're trying to replace the biological parent.

My girls have a very strong relationship with my husband as their stepdad but he has never tried to replace their dad. During our early years he would say, "I know my role. I'm the stepparent." What he meant was, "I will love and care for them as a parent, but I recognize they have a biological dad."

After fifteen years of marriage, my husband plays an important stepparenting role. He enjoys a stable and loving relationship with my girls -- a result of day by day love and interaction, investing in their lives as a stepparent, mindful of the role their biological dad plays.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up" (Galatians 6:9).

Are you stuck in a stepparenting trap? What do you need to do differently to get out? Will you share it with us?

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Parenting From Your Knees

I told my husband this past week that getting our children successfully to adulthood is requiring more effort and time than I envisioned. Several of our children are in the young adult age but show evidence of immaturity and poor choices more often than I want to admit.  

For instance, I received an e-mail this week stating my stepson was in jeopardy of being expelled from his college because of attendance problems at chapel. He attends a private Christian university that requires he attend an hour long chapel service each week. Sometime last semester, he decided he didn't want to go anymore and quit attending.

As my husband spoke with him about it over dinner, my stepson admitted to his nonchalant attitude toward the chapel policy and his negligence in attending. With only a year left to graduate, he doesn't want to be expelled. Thankfully, he committed to doing what the school requires for chapel make-ups and regular attendance in the future.

However, we can't control whether he actually follows the school requirements or not. As a college student living in his own apartment, he makes his own decisions, good and bad. But we can pray daily that he makes wise choices and seeks the Lord diligently.

In her book, Prayer Changes Teens, Janet McHenry says, "No matter how much we love our kids and want to protect them, we cannot control them or their circumstances. But God is in control, and He can take care of our kids far better than we ever could. ... Give control back to God and get back to what you enjoy most - loving your teen." 

As a stepmom who struggles with control issues, that's a good reminder for me. I like to think I can control my children's behavior, but that's grandiose thinking. The sooner I give up control and allow God to be in charge, the greater likelihood of a positive end result.

I'll give you an update on chapel attendance at the end of the semester. But for now, I need to go talk to God.

What are you trying to control? Do you need to parent from your knees more often?

Related Posts:

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Coping with Stepfamily Drama - Part Two

The holidays seem to involve more drama than usual for stepfamilies. In my last post, I shared some of our family's drama this Christmas and gave a few suggestions on how to cope with it. Today, I offer a few more ideas:

1. Stay out of the middle, when possible. If the drama occurring is between children, allow them to work it out. Our children need to learn how to manage conflict at home with other family members. If it becomes physically or emotionally hurtful, it's time to get involved. If the drama is between your spouse and an ex, let him/her deal with it. If the drama is between you and your spouse or an ex-spouse, you must confront it.

2. Resolve to take the high road every time. Be the more mature party. Someone has to be the adult during tumultuous periods - it allows for inner peace when we know we're doing the right thing.

3. Commit to pray for your family relationships and exercise patience as they develop. Stepfamily authorities say it takes seven years for a stepfamily to blend. We had more drama than I want to remember during the early years of our marriage but I'm thankful today that we persevered and have stable, loving relationships with one another (even though drama still shows up every now and then).

3. Ask for help when necessary. If conflict begins to occur more frequently without resolve, it could be time to seek professional help. Find a counselor that is familiar with stepfamily dynamics.  Or check out my coaching opportunities here.  Don't allow unresolved conflict or ongoing drama to destroy your relationships.

Have you successfully dealt with drama this holiday season? Do you have other suggestions to offer?
Related Posts:

Coping with Stepfamily Drama, Part One

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Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Do the Right Thing

I worked for a dynamic leader in the corporate world years ago whose motto in business was, "Do the Right Thing." He grew his business by treating others with respect, making decisions with customers and vendors based on doing what was right.

That same motto can make a difference in stepfamilies. Doing the right thing may require sacrifices on our part and doesn't always come naturally, but it can positively affect those around us.

My girls' dad is coming to visit next week. His relationship with the girls is fragile due to his ongoing struggles with addiction. I have a difficult time being cordial when he's around. But I know that's the right thing to do.

Doing the right thing also means I get out of the way and let go of control in their relationships. My girls are young adults, mature enough to make wise choices. I want to rescue them from future heartache due to their dad's unpredictable behavior; instead, I will pray for healthy interaction and give them the freedom to determine what kind of relationship they want to have with him.

It's not always easy to do the right thing. It may require difficult choices. But it can make a positive difference in stepfamily relationships.

How can you exercise "doing the right thing?"

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