Somedays It's All About Perspective

"The toilet's overflowing Mom!" My son's words echoed down the hall from my room. I walked into the bathroom to a small stream of water running onto the floor. My son was holding a plunger, prepared for action. But as we watched, the water began to subside and we decided to flush. That was a mistake!

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Water poured over the toilet lid, out the bathroom and down the hall. I couldn't stop the gushing water! I  began plunging furiously, water spilling out on all sides. Thankfully, the clog was quickly relieved and  water began moving in the other direction - down the toilet!

As the clean up effort began, my son and I both lost track time of time (my husband was already at work). Before we realized it, the clock reminded us we were running late. As I drove my son to school, I knew he would be tardy.

I reflected on my week as I drove home with a heavy heart and deflated spirit.  Just days before I had learned one of the few friends I have in our new town was moving soon. That same day I dealt with our leaking swimming pool that had an unknown source and was requiring water every other day to keep it full. I began thinking about the tuition bills piled on my desk for a new semester with our three college kids. My spirit began spiraling to match the dreariness of the weather.

When I arrived home I read a prayer request from my aunt concerning a custody battle her son is enduring with his two daughters. Her son's heart is broken as he's restricted from being a part of his children's lives. It's a bitter battle with little hope of a fair judgment.

It prompted me to be thankful for the part I get to play in my children and stepchildren's lives. Our relationships aren't perfect and our family interactions aren't always harmonious, but I'm thankful for the role I have. We've been down the custody battle road, and I'm thankful we're not there today.

With four children living outside our home as young adults, I don't know all that is happening every day. But I do know if they need something, they will call. Somedays it's a shoulder to cry on, somedays it's an opinion on a pressing issue, somedays it's a little extra money to get by until their next paycheck. But today, I'm thankful for unrestricted visitation and communication with our children.

Life is hard. Life is stressful. But, somedays it's all about perspective. Now please excuse me while I go wash towels.

How is Your Perspective? Does it Need an Overhaul Today?

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You Don't Have to be Super Stepmom

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

Nuggets of Wisdom from Laura Petherbridge, co-author of "The Smart Stepmom"

I had the privilege of attending the first "stepmom retreat" this week-end in Dallas, hosted by http://www.blendedandbonded.com/ with Laura Petherbridge speaking. It was a wonderful time of connecting with stepmoms from around the country, meeting stepmom friends I talk with on Twitter and FB, and hearing some nuggets of wisdom from long-time stepmom Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom.

I want to share a few thoughts I came away with that spoke to my heart in hopes of encouraging you in your stepparenting role. Many I had heard before but they were good reminders for me.

1. God can teach me how to love kids who are hurting me. I ask Him to help me see them through His eyes and He does. "Chosen" love is still love. I can choose to love my stepchildren.

2. Children are fiercely loyal to a biological parent, even if the parent is unkind, abusive, detached, or emotionally unstable. The more dysfunctional the other biological parent is, the less likely the stepchild will bond with the stepparent. I can't control that.

3. All stepfamilies are formed due to loss. Re-marriage is viewed as another loss for children and the children are at least two years behind the parents in the grieving process. Give them time to heal.

4. Money is going to be tight. My husband is OBLIGATED by God to support his children (I Timothy 5:8). They didn't chose a stepmother or more siblings.

5. The children who do the best after divorce are those who maintain a healthy relationship with both parents. Stepchildren need alone time with their biological parent, without the stepparent.

6. God will reward your efforts. "Let us not become weary in doing  good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

There is so much more I could share, but instead I encourage you to read Laura's book. She has walked the path and offers reality with encouragement through her writing.

Do you need encouragement today? What nugget of wisdom spoke to you?

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Marriage is Not Always Blissful, Especially in Blended Families

Tip for Healthy Stepparenting: Learn to Cope with Rejection

Mantra for Stepparents: Don't Take it Personally

Lessons Learned about Stepparenting from Tim Tebow

If you're a football fan (or even if you're not), you've likely heard the ongoing publicity surrounding Tim Tebow. Tebow is currently the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos and has made a name for himself with his unorthodox QB skill set and frequent display of religious devotion.

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He's a guy that's easy to like with his tenacious spirit and committed attitude toward living for the Lord. But in addition to being a good guy, his life demonstrates some takeaway thoughts related to stepparenting. Here's a few:

1. Prayer can turn bad into good.  Tim Tebow's mother contracted amoebic dysentry while a missionary with her husband in the Phillipines, and was treated with strong antibiotics before realizing she was pregnant. Her doctors advised her to abort, assuring her the baby would be severely disabled due to the drugs.

She refused to abort because of her faith and, instead, prayed for a healthy son. Tim Tebow was born August 14, 1987, reportedly malnourished, but healthy. Nothing is too big for God.

2. There's more than one way to reach success. Tebow has been criticized for his awkward throwing motion, his inaccuracy in passing completions, and his unorthodox method of playing. But you can't deny his quarterback success as his team heads to the AFC Divisional Round this Saturday night.

In similar fashion, stepparenting success is reached in different ways. There's not only one way that works. Determine the techniques that will bond and strengthen relationships in your stepfamily and execute them.

3. Don't give up, regardless of what others are saying. If Tebow had listened to his critics at the beginning of the season, he would have never won a football game. Instead, he continued to believe in himself and work toward his goals, despite the opposition.

Stepfamilies are given a bad rap. Statistics tell us that 60% of second marriages and 73% of third  marriages end in divorce. But those statistics don't have to apply to us. Believe in yourself and your ability for long-term success in your stepparenting relationships and don't look back. Refuse to quit even when it's hard.

Tim Tebow is not perfect but his example gives some thoughts to ponder as we relate it to stepparenting challenges. 

Do you agree? What are your thoughts?

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When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

Are You Celebrating the Beauty of Family this Holiday- Even if Yours is Imperfect?

I was on the phone this week with stepfamily author, Ron Deal. We were chatting about his upcoming move to assume a new position with FamilyLife as the Director of Blended Families Ministries. (Read press release here). I could hear his excitement of continuing his ministy with stepfamilies in a larger fashion through such a great organization.

But I could also hear his grief when he mentioned the upcoming anniversary of the loss of their son, Connor. Connor was 12  years old when he came down with a rare illness that took his life within two weeks of its onset. He was the middle child of three boys and his family will never be the same. It's a parents worst nightmare that leaves unfathomable pain in its wake.

Although the loss of a child may be the greatest loss anyone could experience, each member of a stepfamily has experienced loss too. Through death or divorce, relationships end and pain remains. But through healthy stepfamily relationships, family members can begin to heal and find joy in life again.

Although it may take longer than we desire, beautiful relationships can form if we don't give up. And our family becomes something to celebrate, even if it's imperfect.

So as you celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas this week-end, I encourage you to celebrate the beauty of family also. Although your stepfamily relationships may not be where you wish they were, celebrate the progress you've made. Commit to stronger relationships through intentional effort as you look toward a new year.

Life is short. We don't know what's around the corner that could alter our family dynamics forever. But we do know what our relationships look like today and can choose to celebrate the beauty of our family.

How will you celebrate the unique beauty of your stepfamily as you celebrate the holidays?

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Holiday Mantra for Stepparents: Don't Take it Personally

As we head into the last week of the Christmas holiday, life gets dicey. Emotions are heightened as we try to find the perfect gift for our stepchild or negotiate that last-minute schedule change with our ex.

And if we, as stepparents, are carrying emotions too closely to our heart, we can easily take flippant comments and haphazard looks personally.

But that's a recipe for disaster.

When my stepdaughter was younger, I was overly sensitive to everything she said to me. One day we were talking about how she liked her mom to French-braid her hair and she said, “Why can’t you French-braid my hair? I think it’s weird that you don’t know how.”


Well, that was enough to hurt my feelings. I couldn’t recognize the fact that she wanted me to be more involved in her life and this was something we could do together. Instead, I took it as a personal attack.

The stepmom role is a complicated one but sometimes we make it harder because of our insecurities. We think we’ll never measure up to their biological mom and we compete with her and compare ourselves constantly, always coming up short.

If we learn to spend more time improving upon who we are already, we’ll be a better stepparent. And if our stepchild can’t accept us that way, that’s okay. God created each of us as a unique person.

We might be criticized for being someone different than our stepchild understands. Perhaps she can’t accept our short hair because her mom wears her hair long. Or maybe our stepchild doesn’t understand why we work from home when her mom leaves the house every day at 6:00 a.m. for a corporate job.

But, if we’re secure in who we are, it won’t bother us when our stepchild questions our choices. Our natural reaction becomes: I won’t take that comment personally or get defensive. I will accept her thoughts as her own, even if they’re different from mine.

Stepfamily authority Ron L. Deal says it best in his book, The Smart Stepfamily: “Stepparents cannot afford to be insecure. Stepfamilies were not made for the emotionally fragile.”

It’s easy to be overly sensitive to our stepchildren’s comments, particularly through the holidays. But as we become more confident and at peace with ourselves, we’re better equipped to foster a healthy stepparenting relationship, allowing critical or judgmental comments to slide right past us.

Will you adopt the holiday mantra: don't take it personally? How might that influence your step-relationships?

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Coping with Difficult Emotions Through the Holidays

If you've stopped by from Tricia Goyer's blog today: Welcome!

Today's post is an excerpt from our e-book, Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success - Unwrapping the Gift of Peace 

"My stepson and stepdaughter lost their mother after a short battle with cancer several years after my husband and I married. Because of their loss, the holidays have never been the same for them. She died in August and naturally the first Christmas season was very difficult. But I didn't anticipate how difficult every holiday after that would be also.

I'll never forget the second season after thier mother's death. My adolescent children were having a wonderful time decorating the tree, singing Christmas carols, and reminiscing of Christmas' past. Without warning, my stepson abruptly uttered some angry words and retreated to his room. His sour mood dampened the atmosphere for the girls - momentarily for all of us!
...

Difficult emotions present themselves with every holiday season. And in blended families, complicated circumstances compound them. But we can make a choice to refuse to let them consume us.

It's vital that we allow ourselves to "feel" our feelings. That means we don't stuff them, we don't deny them, we don't avoid them through busyness, and we don't compensate for them by overeating, drinking, or using any sort of sedative. Feelings eventually pass if we give ourselves permission to "feel" them.

Seek out support during stressful periods. Talk with a friend, a pastor, or another stepparent as you process your feelings. Relay your concerns to your spouse and ask for his/her support on hard days. You don't have to walk the stepparenting journey alone - a comforting friend or a godly prayer partner may offer the support you need to get through a difficult day."

Read more on coping with difficult emotions when you purchase our e-book here.

Are you struggling with difficult emotions right now? How do you cope with them? Will you share with us in the comments?

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Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

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Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

I'll never forget the first holiday season our family celebrated together. My husband and I had married in mid-October and the holidays descended upon us before we could get settled in our new surroundings. My expectations of a joyous holiday season quickly faded as the reality of chaos and heartache took over.

Blending four young children, managing a harried schedule with two uncooperative ex-spouses while grappling with my expectations of a perfect, first holiday ignited a simmering blaze that burned throughout the season, leaving behind a trail of hurt feelings and defeat.

How could I expect it to be perfect? Because I'm a perfectionist. I wanted to prove to myself and others that, despite the odds of our new marriage and complexities, we could have a perfect, delightful holiday season. I was wrong.

In her book, Set Free to Live Free: Breaking through the 7 Lies Women Tell Themselves, Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith writes, "Perfection is not the goal on earth. ... Your life is a progressive journey. There will be times of success and times of failure. There will be times of faith and times of doubt. There will be moments of joy and moments of fear. You cannot maneuver this obstacle course we call life and expect to finish the race perfectly."

I've given up the idea of a perfect holiday season. But that doesn't mean it won't be meaningful. There may be squabbles among the kids, or sour attitudes while shopping, or a less-than-perfect decorated tree by my children, but that doesn't mean I won't cherish the memories of time together as a family.

You see, our time as a family isn't the same anymore. We only have one of our five children still living at home and we will only all be together briefly on Christmas day. So, I choose to value how small or large our family gathering is and enjoy every moment we have together as an imperfect family.

In our book, Thriving at the Holidays,  Heather writes, "Life rarely goes  as planned and the tighter we hold onto expectations of the perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas, the tighter, tenser and more stressed we are likely to feel. Let the strands of Christmas tree lights, not our emotions, be the only thing that gets tangled up this holiday season. Peace in the heart leads to peace in the home."

Have you experienced lesss-than-perfect holidays in the past? How did you cope?

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Are You Prepared for the Unexpected this Holiday?

 "I took a fall tonight and I'm at the hospital. I'll be okay but I need you to pick me up when you get to town. Please hurry - I don't know if my house is secure because the paramedic broke the window to get in."

Those were the words spoken to my husband this past week-end as we were driving to Austin, TX for a visit with his mom and step-dad. We knew his step-dad had been in the hospital for several days due to complications from his diabetes but we were shocked to hear the news from his mom, and concerned about the urgency of the situation. But once we heard the story, we spoke with her about being prepared for an unexpected event in the future.

When my mother-in-law fell she was home alone. She hit the floor hard and couldn't get up but managed to reach a nearby phone. However, when the ambulance came to pick her up, she couldn't get to the front door and the paramedics had to break a window to enter the house. It was an added stress to the situation that could have been prevented if there had been an extra key hidden outside, as the paramedics requested in case of another unexpected accident.

We can't always anticipate what kind of events are going to invade our home at the holidays, particularly in a stepfamily. But we can prepare ourselves for unexpected events by managing our expectations throughout the season. Here's a snippet of what we included in our new e-book, "Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success:"  in regards to expectations.

"At the holidays, we manage our lists, our schedules and our budgets. Yet the most important items to manage during the holiday season are our expectations! As stepparents, we are committed to our families and because we want to give our blended family the gift of a joyous and peaceful holiday, we often take it upon ourselves to bring that joy and peace.

While holidays seem like the perfect opportunity to show your stepkids how much you care about them, this time of year can easily become a source of disappointment and frustration. The problem lies in the fact that we have little-to-no control over those around us. When we attach expectations to those in our stepfamily with whom we have little to no influence over, we set ourselves up for potential heartache.

...Whatever expectations you allow to enter your head also enter your heart and your home. It is important to manage expectations so they don't manage us."

How do you manage your expectations during the holidays? Will you share what works for you?

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You Don't Have to be Super StepMom

I was talking to a stepmom this week who is recently divorced.  She had two stepchildren and told of her struggle to be Super StepMom. But it didn't matter how hard she tried, it didn't change the difficult relationship with her stepchildren.

There are so many variables that influence what kind of relationship we have with our stepchildren. And many of those variables are beyond our control.

We can make every effort to be Stepmom of the Year but come to the end of the year with the same relationship we started at the beginning. But that doesn't mean we have to accept the blame for the rejection.

During my stepson's adolescent years, he found all kinds of reasons to dislike me. Some of them might have been legitimate, but most were unfounded. Regardless of how hard I tried to be a good stepmom to him, he rejected my efforts.

I have been married to my stepson's dad for 16 years and after many difficult years, my stepson and I now have a good relationship. It isn't because I became a different person toward him. It's because he has matured into a young man who, at 21 years old, recognizes and appreciates the role I've played in his life.   

Did I want to quit being his stepmom during those adolescent years? Absolutely! Did I deserve the treatment I received? No! Am I thankful I didn't walk away? Yes!

Acting as a Super StepMom doesn't guarantee a good relationship with your stepchild, and usually results in unmet expectations. Consistent love over time, through the ups and downs of life, could be the difference. But regardless of your stepchild's behavior, the only way you fail in this role, is if you quit.

Do you need to give up the role of Super StepMom and the expectations that go with it?

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Stinkin' Thinkin' Creates Bitter Quitters in Blended Families

Are you guilty of stinkin' thinkin' - do you know what it looks like?

Here are some examples:

- My stepchild will never like me so why do I bother trying to have a relationship with him/her?

- No one understands these feelings of rejection as a stepparent - I'm living on an island by myself.

- My husband has no idea how difficult this is - it's useless to talk to him about it.

- Re-marriage is just too hard - looks like I'm headed for divorce again.


Have you had those thoughts? Can you list others? It's easy to get tangled in a web of negative thinking about our blended family. But we can make a choice to think differently and have positive outcomes.

Well known poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A man is what he thinks about all  day long." In other words, if we dwell on the negative parts of our life, every aspect of our being will reflect negativity.

But if we focus on the positive nuggets of our situation, we create positive surroundings for ourselves.

In his book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," Norman Vincent Peale supports this thinking when he states, "Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. Think positively, for example, and you set in motion positive forces which bring positive results to pass. ... On the contrary, think negative thoughts and you create around yourself an atmosphere propitious to the development of negative results."

Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. I love that!

Dr. Peale is suggesting that we influence our situation with our thinking. So, if we want our stepchildren to respond positively toward us, we need to create that scenario in our head. When we think positively toward them and expect positive behavior from them, they will begin to respond that way.

Our demeanor reflects what we are thinking. When we have negative thoughts circling through our mind, we give off negative vibes toward those around us. Our stepchildren can feel our negativity and will react accordingly.

I've seen this happen with my own stepchildren. If I choose to dwell on negative thoughts toward them, I respond to them with an insensitive spirit and critical remarks. Even if I don't say anything, my nonverbal language speaks volumes. They can sense my negativity and respond in anger or frustration.

On the other hand, if I choose to think positively toward them and my verbal and nonverbal language reflects a like demeanor, they feel loved and accepted. It's easy for them to respond favorably toward a loving spirit.

Are you up for a challenge? Think only positive thoughts about your stepchildren and re-marriage today. If something negative creeps into your mind, turn it around and find a positive twist. See if it makes a difference. Leave a comment and let me know the results.

Will you make an intentional effort to focus on positive thinking with your stepchildren and re-marriage? 

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In Honor of 9/11 - One Survivor's Story

It seems appropriate at this time to honor those who suffered and gave their lives in the Twin Tower attacks  on 9/11 ten years ago.



I just finished reading a book, Unmeasured Strength, by Lauren Manning, who survived the 9/11 attacks. It's an incredible story of her survival and transformation from the fire that nearly killed her.

Lauren was running late to work that morning due to an unexpected phone call. As she leaves her apartment at 8:30, she quickly catches a cab to carry her to the World Trade Center. Upon arrival, she enters the building to begin her elevator ascent to her 105th-floor office at Cantor Fitzgerald. But she never makes it to the elevator.

She recalls feeling "an incredible sense of otherworldliness" as she veers toward the elevators. "It's an odd, tremendous, quaking feeling, and everything...moves. The entire 110-story tower is trembling," she writes.

"With an enormous, screeching exhalation, the fire explodes from the elevator banks in to the lobby and engulfs me, its tentacles of flame hungrily latching on. An immense weight pushes down on me, and I can barely breathe. I am whipped around. ... I see people lying on the floor covered in flames, burning alive.  

Like them, I am on fire."

Lauren suffered burns on more than three quarters of her body. It was a miracle she survived - very few doctors believed she would. But Lauren had to learn that "the journey through a harsh and unforgiving landscape of pain and disability was mine alone to make. That I lived, that I narrowly escaped the fate of so many others that day, is a humbling reminder of both the extreme fragility and the surprising courage that exist within all of us." 

It's a beautiful, but heart-wrenching story. It's also a reminder of the responsibility that each of has to make the best of whatever circumstances come our way. It's not okay to give up. It's not fair to quit trying. It's not God's plan to surrender.

Have you felt like giving up lately? Can you apply Lauren's story to your circumstances?

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Back to School Routines and Your Stepfamily- Peaceful or Chaotic?

As another school year gets underway, many stepfamilies are adjusting to new routines. Stepchildren may be adjusting to different expectations at Mom and Dad's house with homework and after-school activities. Stepparents may be forced to alter everyday patterns to accomodate bus schedules or after-school pickup.

The changing routines can wreak havoc on a stepfamily already struggling with fragile egos and tense emotions.

For stepparents, navigating a successful path through the back to school maze takes a calm spirit and flexible attitude. 

 I recall stressful mornings of years' past as I struggled to get out the door to my full-time job while making sure our four children had breakfast, a packed lunch, school papers signed, an after-school pickup plan, and were headed to the bus by 7:30. I recall telling a counselor during our early years of marriage, "School mornings are too stressful and I'm not sure how to change it."     

Oftentimes, the only thing we can change to make stepfamily living less stressful is ourselves. I couldn't change the crazy schedule we lived for several years with kids navigating between households, stressful jobs, and defiant attitudes. But I could change how I reacted to the stress of the situation.

When I made an intentional effort to stay calm during the heat of a battle with one of my stepchildren, I made strides toward a positive outcome while resolving the conflict. When I chose to stay flexible through an ever-changing back and forth routine with my stepchildren, I was better able to meet the demands required of me with those routines.

I'm not saying it was easy. I like routine and I want the routine to stay the same every day. But that's simply not possible in stepfamilies.

I like an orderly home with school papers put in place, and homework assignments completed on time. But  I learned to adjust to the erratic ways of teen-agers who seem to work best with papers scattered all around while completing a project, or head-banging music that  helps them think while they finish their paper at midnight (which was always restricted to their bedroom!)

Back to school routines create yet another stressful period as stepfamilies make adjustments to accommodate one another. But with a flexible attitude and a calm spirit, we can help our stepchildren adjust to their new routines and thrive in their new school surroundings, creating an environment in our home that benefits each one of us.  

How is your back to school routine going? Does it need a dose of flexibility or an extra effort toward a calm spirit?

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When Stepparenting Feels Too Hard - Four Ways to Overcome Discouragement

Do you have days when you want to call it quits on your stepparenting efforts? Days when it seems that no matter how hard you try, the results are not what you want?


I had one of those days recently. The challenges were not all related to stepparenting, but some were, and by the end of the day, I was not in a good place emotionally or spiritually. So, I began to consider what to do to change my negative thinking pattern. Here are some ideas that surfaced:

1. Remember that "this too will pass." Circumstances change, relationships change, and living arrangements change. If you're having a bad day with a stepchild, remember, he/she will eventually grow up and leave home. We had four children living at home 15 months ago and we now have one. Change is one thing we can count on, but it often brings positive results.

2.Work through difficult feelings with a friend. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person and consider your part in the situation. Find support through a prayer group or Bible study. But, if you cannot get past feelings of anger, rejection,or self-pity, you may need to consider stepfamily coaching  or other professional help.

3. Make an intentional effort to stay positive.  In his book, The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale says, "Take charge of your thoughts. You can do what you will with them." We can choose to think positively about our stepchild who is pushing our buttons and constructively work through conflict, or we can ruminate negatively about his/her shortcomings and create a tension-filled home. Our behavior is the result of our thoughts.

4. Find hope in the Lord. Look to the one true Source for help. Hope in the Lord brings strength, perseverance, and encouragement. Psalms 62:5-8 says, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Have you had a difficult day recently on your stepparenting journey? Can you offer other suggestions?

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When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

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When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

I have a cracked tooth. I went to the dentist this morning and heard some unexpected news. Because it's one of my front teeth and it has small cracks throughout the tooth, I was told I will eventually need to crown the tooth or consider veneers.

Instead of a simple filling to fix the tooth, I have to consider a completely different alternative - not a bad solution, just different (and much more expensive!) than what I anticipated.

The scenario reminded me of a poem my sister (stepmom of  three) mentioned to me recently. It was actually written for parents of autistic children, but is just as applicable for stepparents.

It illustrates the point that when we find ourselves in a situation that's different than what we want, we can learn to appreciate the good about it or spend our time regretting what we wish we had.

If we're constantly comparing our family to those around us in traditional families, we will never learn to appreciate the value and uniqueness of our stepfamily.

I hope you enjoy the poem as much as I have.

Welcome to Holland

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.


It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Written by Emily Perl Kingsley

Can you learn to appreciate Holland or are you stuck in regret about Italy?


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Saying Good-bye is Never Easy

We've sold our home in Conway (Praise the Lord) and recently put a contract on a home in Bossier City, Louisiana. We will be moving in just a few short weeks. And the good byes I find myself in the middle of are harder every day.

The church choir I've played piano for the last three years gave me a nice send-off tonight. I have some wonderful friends who I've cried with, laughed with, and sung with. It's hard to say good-bye to long-term friends as we move.

But it reminds me of good-byes that we sometimes have to deal with in stepfamilies. Good-byes that are not our choice but are driven by someone else's decisions.

In her book, The Stepfamily Survival Guide, Natalie Nichols Gillespie talks about some difficult good-byes her family has endured with her stepdaughter, Lorra. "Lorra has chosen as an adult not to continue her relationship with her father and me for now, and Adam and I have sobbed on many occasions over her decision. The family all know that I have had nightmares on multiple occasions that one of my stepdaughters is getting married and I am standing outside watching through the windows because I am not allowed inside the church!"

That's a difficult good-bye. But Natalie Gillespie can't change the decision her step-daughter has made. She can simply pray that she will have a change of heart someday.

Good-byes are never easy. But with God's sustaining strength, we can endure them.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil 4:13)

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Coping with Stepfamily Storms

Last night we braved severe storms with damaging tornadoes in Central Arkansas. My kids and I retreated to our "fraidy hole" to seek protection from our frightful surroundings. The paper this morning reports a nearby town "wiped out."

As I listened to the blare of tornado sirens and attempted to comfort my tearful 10-year-old son, I reflected on what options we have during storms. I compared weather storms to emotional storms that oftentimes occur in stepfamilies. I thought about ways we can cope during stepfamily storms that allow a healthy outcome without a lot of damage. Here are a few steps to consider:

1. Stay calm - don't overreact. During times of conflict, it's easy to raise your voice and exaggerate the severity of the situation. When emotions are heightened, solutions don't emerge naturally. It may be necessary to take a time out and leave the scene of the conflict. However, be sure you agree to come back later to discuss it.

2. Pray for wisdom and guidance for the situation. Find a time and place to be still and listen for God's direction. James 1:5 tells us: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

3. Brainstorm and talk through your options with another person. Seek out an objective party who can help you sort through your emotions and solutions for the conflict. Find a pastor, counselor, or friend who has your best interest at heart and can offer a healthy opinion.

4. Wait it out. Many times, storms dissipate with time. Don't jump to conclusions or insist on taking steps that might make matters worse. When my stepson chose to continue living with his stepdad after his mom died, we were devastated. My husband could have demanded that he come live with us right after the funeral, but he believed it would alienate his adolescent son and cause further pain. We waited out his decision, tormented with some of his choices over the next year. Finally my stepson called and asked to come live with us, recognizing the dysfunction of the home he was in.

5. Take one step at a time when the conditions are right. As solutions emerge, move slowly toward resolution. Take the next healthy step toward reconciling with those involved. Don't expect harmony overnight but do your part to mend relationships.

6. Maintain a positive attitude and trust God for the results. We may not see an end to our storm, but we can trust God is in control. We may not understand what's happening around us but we can choose to "Let Go and Let God."

Storms are frightening and devastating at times. We won't always react as we should or take the right steps, but if we refuse to give up on our stepfamily relationships, we will find solutions in our storms.

What steps do you take during stepfamily storms?

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Appreciate the Positives of Your Stepchildren

My stepson came by over the week-end to help with the yard and clean the gutters for me. Since my husband is now working out of state, he asked his son to help with stuff around the house that he normally does.

It was a blessing to have him here and offer a helping hand.

But my stepson and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues. At 21-years-old, he has his own opinions and many of them are different from mine.

He was heavily influenced during his critical adolescent years at his mom's house by a stepdad that walks a different path in life. My stepson experimented with drugs and had the freedom to make his own choices at an age when he didn't have the maturity to make wise ones.

I'm thankful today he's making better choices but it saddens me that he doesn't desire a spiritual walk. It's more convenient to live a life of selfish desires than surrender his life to the Lord Jesus, whom I love and serve.

But rather than force my spiritual beliefs down his throat, I simply love and accept him where he is today. 

My prayer is that my stepson will someday embrace the spiritual journey that makes my life complete. But I can love him for who he is today, even if it's vastly different from me.

I can be thankful for the relationship we share, even if it's not perfect. I can appreciate his willingness to offer a helping hand when my husband isn't available.

What positive thought can you embrace about your stepchildren?

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Is it a Privilege to be a Stepparent?

I'll never forget the counselor's words when I cried out for help in the early years of our marriage, "I know it's difficult at times, but you might consider it a privilege to have the opportunity to be part of raising your stepchildren."

What? Is he crazy? My thoughts took over and I couldn't respond for fear of what might come out of my mouth. Was he listening to my heart-felt anguish?

Parenting stepchildren can feel more like a burden than a privilege at times. We have the responsibility of a parent with few parental rights. Fold the laundry. Cook dinner. Run the carpool. Yet, despite our efforts toward mundane parenting tasks, we get little regard or appreciation for our help.

I read a story recently in The Smart Stepmom, by Ron Deal and Laura Petherbridge, that encouraged me to recognize the privilege we have as stepparents. I pray it does the same for you:

Lynn's story:

"Lynn and her husband combined six children - ages three, four, five, six, eight, and ten - who lived with them full time because her ex-husband was an alcoholic and his ex-wife abandoned her children She faced typical challenges when her stepchildren minimized her authority (You're not our mom!") and remained loyal to a biological mother they didn't know.

When her stepchildren reached adolescence, their mother reappeared and instantly turned them further against Lynn. Despite the fact that the biological mom had been absent for many years, she still had the power to tear apart everything Lynn had built with her stepkids. Disrespect and conflict became a daily occurrenc in Lynn's home, and her husband didn't handle his children well. Their marriage was in turmoil to the point that Lynn wanted a divorce. But she didn't file.

The dream of growing old together kept her from leaving and eventually produced fruit she never imagined.

When her second-oldest stepson was about to enter the Iraq War, he used his allotted two hours of phone time not to call his biological mother or father, but his stepmother, Lynn. He apologized to her for his prior behavior and thanked her for offering discipline and guidance throughout his life. He especially thanked her for raising him to know the Lord. 'After that call,' she says, I knew that every minute of being a stepmom was worth it.'"

When we're in the throes of stepparenting challenges, it's hard to see the privilege we've been given. But if we focus on the opportunity of influence we've been given with our stepchildren, we get a glimpse of the difference we can make. 

Can you recognize the important role you play as a stepparent?

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Count Your Blessings

"When upon life’s billows you are tempest tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done."                  Count Your Blessings by Johnson Oatman

I used to sing this hymn to my two babies after my divorce, when I was learning how to parent alone. Life was hard and I didn't know what was around the corner, but I refused to allow my circumstances to keep me from recognizing God's blessings in my life.

My girls are now 18 and 21 years old but they remember me singing this old hymn as I rocked them to sleep, and are familiar with its special meaning to me.

I still count my blessings every day. Today I'm thankful for the opportunity I had to counsel my 25-year-old stepdaughter about a difficult circumstance at work. I'm thankful my college-age student dropped by to say hello and share what's happening in her life this week. I'm thankful I was able to stay home with my 10-year-old son yesterday when he woke up with 101 fever and a horrible-sounding cough.

But I'm especially thankful this week for a new job God has provided for my husband. If you read my blog often, you will remember my recent post on The Valley of the Unknown.  Thankfully, we didn't have to wander long in the valley of unemployment. My husband secured a new job last week and is excited to begin his new journey April 4th.

However, the job is in another state, forcing us to quickly begin the relocation process. My husband will go before us to begin employment while the kids and I stay behind to sell the house, finish the school year, etc. It creates a stressful situation, but one in which I will remember to count my blessings.

We're thankful for the new location because it lands us closer to our home state of Texas, where our oldest daughter resides in addition to a great deal of extended family. As we move from Arkansas to Louisiana, we leave three kids behind to finish college, but we're thankful we can see them within a four hour car ride. It will be a significant change for all of us, but we know God is in control and trust His guidance, while we count our blessings.

Life presents challenging circumstances almost every day. As a stepparent, it's easy to lose sight of the good things happening around us because we're consumed with the negative. But if we remember to count our blessings, we will see God's goodness in the midst of difficulty.

Have you counted your blessings today?

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Coping with Difficult People

Angry. Humiliated. Disgruntled. I left our church choir rehearsal with a flood of emotions circulating through my mind. As a piano accompanist, I had been belittled in front of the choir. It wasn't the first time it had happened but I vowed it would be the last.

I knew it was time to confront the person in charge who touted his musical knowledge in a fashion that humiliated those who worked for him. A peacemaker by nature, I don't like conflict. But I've learned there are times we must confront those in our path who are mistreating us.

That doesn't mean we recreate the conflict or nitpick issues that should be overlooked. As a stepparent, we can recognize the losses our stepchildren carry, and allow grace for their troubled emotions. As my post, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff talks about, we want to pick our battles. But it's important to realize that even as Christians, we do not have to allow others to mistreat or take advantage of  us.

In their book, Peacemaking Women, Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler talk about the need to confront. "As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov 19:11), and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt 7:5). But if after we have confessed our own sins we cannot overlook the offense, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt 7:5).

I like the way these ladies describe our responsbility in the conflict - try to overlook and confess our own sin first if that's part of the conflict. Then, if we cannot overlook the offense, humbly confront. The Scripture they give offers additional understanding of the Biblical view on conflict. 

In my conflict mentioned above, the choir director and I reached an amicable agreement in how he would treat me at rehearsal. It took courage on my part to confront his actions, but the result was worth the effort.

I pray you're not dealing with difficult people today. But if you are, I encourage you to seek a Biblical solution to the conflict by overlooking the offense when you can, and confronting in love when you can't.

Are you allowing a difficult person to badger or bully you? 

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