Creating Healthy Boundaries with your Ex-Spouse

In my post last week on boundaries, I said I would post about creating healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse. So I'm re-posting from a previous blog post that gives some examples of what healthy boundaries look like. These boundaries may not be applicable for you if the relationship with your ex is amicable. But for those dealing with a difficult ex-spouse, I hope these are helpful. Many of them apply to my own personal situation. (I'm using "he" for simplicity in each example).

1. Discuss only issues relating to the children with your ex-spouse. If he diverts the conversation to past events or other personal matters, steer it back toward matters of the children.

2. Use e-mail and texting if face to face discussions or personal phone calls are confrontational. Do not argue in front of the children.

3. Keep your meeting places public when possible. If you're swapping children from your home and expect conflict, don't allow your ex-spouse to come into your home.

4. Make sure your ex-spouse is clear on your expectations. Put it in writing and provide support for what you're asking, if needed. For example, when my stepson was younger, he suffered terribly with allergies. I took him for allergy testing and it was determined he was allergic to cigarette smoke but we knew my husband's ex-wife and her husband smoked around him constantly. We provided a prescription note from the doctor that requested there be no smoking around my stepson.

5. Don't allow verbal abuse of any kind - toward you or the children. If the conversation gets emotionally charged, tell your ex-spouse you will hang up unless the matter can be discussed calmly.

6. Separate issues of child support and visitation. If your ex-spouse is late or delinquent on child support, don't deny visitation. However, follow through with the court process regarding current payments.

7. Learn to recognize manipulative behavior and don't allow it to influence your relationship with your ex.

Boundaries can be set and then adjusted, as necessary, in your relationship  They give you the freedom to allow healthy interaction without fear of being taken advantange of or manipulated. But it is our responsibility to set boundaries that work for us without alienating our ex spouse in the process.

What boundaries do you set with your ex-spouse? Leave a comment if you're willing to share your success with others.


Related posts:

Setting Boundaries with an Ex-Spouse

Your Ex Spouse and Boundaries: Part Two

How to Co-Parent Successfully with your Ex 

Coping with Stepfamily Storms

Last night we braved severe storms with damaging tornadoes in Central Arkansas. My kids and I retreated to our "fraidy hole" to seek protection from our frightful surroundings. The paper this morning reports a nearby town "wiped out."

As I listened to the blare of tornado sirens and attempted to comfort my tearful 10-year-old son, I reflected on what options we have during storms. I compared weather storms to emotional storms that oftentimes occur in stepfamilies. I thought about ways we can cope during stepfamily storms that allow a healthy outcome without a lot of damage. Here are a few steps to consider:

1. Stay calm - don't overreact. During times of conflict, it's easy to raise your voice and exaggerate the severity of the situation. When emotions are heightened, solutions don't emerge naturally. It may be necessary to take a time out and leave the scene of the conflict. However, be sure you agree to come back later to discuss it.

2. Pray for wisdom and guidance for the situation. Find a time and place to be still and listen for God's direction. James 1:5 tells us: "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

3. Brainstorm and talk through your options with another person. Seek out an objective party who can help you sort through your emotions and solutions for the conflict. Find a pastor, counselor, or friend who has your best interest at heart and can offer a healthy opinion.

4. Wait it out. Many times, storms dissipate with time. Don't jump to conclusions or insist on taking steps that might make matters worse. When my stepson chose to continue living with his stepdad after his mom died, we were devastated. My husband could have demanded that he come live with us right after the funeral, but he believed it would alienate his adolescent son and cause further pain. We waited out his decision, tormented with some of his choices over the next year. Finally my stepson called and asked to come live with us, recognizing the dysfunction of the home he was in.

5. Take one step at a time when the conditions are right. As solutions emerge, move slowly toward resolution. Take the next healthy step toward reconciling with those involved. Don't expect harmony overnight but do your part to mend relationships.

6. Maintain a positive attitude and trust God for the results. We may not see an end to our storm, but we can trust God is in control. We may not understand what's happening around us but we can choose to "Let Go and Let God."

Storms are frightening and devastating at times. We won't always react as we should or take the right steps, but if we refuse to give up on our stepfamily relationships, we will find solutions in our storms.

What steps do you take during stepfamily storms?

Related Posts:

Confront Conflict Head-On

How to Handle Difficult People

Grasping the Value of Boundaries as a Stepparent

As I was listening to my friend complain about the disrespectful behavior from her stepson, I couldn't help but think, "Why haven't you established some boundaries that would allow you to take care of yourself instead of putting up with his self-centered behavior?"

We can require respect from our stepchildren, even if they don't like us. Our actions or inactions teach others how to treat us. It helps to team up with our spouse and set some ground rules (i.e. yelling is not allowed, even when you're angry), and then follow through with consequences if they're not followed.

It isn't our role as stepparents to be walked on, taken advantage of, or neglected. We have needs and wants also, and it's okay to express our needs and learn how to take care of ourselves.

For example, I learned many years ago that I don't deal well with chaos. It makes me nervous to spend a lot of time in an environment that is loud or uncontrolled. Since my husband and I have five children, I can't completely avoid those situations.

However, I've learned that if I take a time-out for myself when we have large groups of kids at the house and let my husband be in charge for awhile, I can regroup and come back to the interaction refreshed. I want our kids to be comfortable having their friends over, so I've learned how to cope with my limitations.

I've also learned that I have less patience with my stepson and his ideas of post-college life than I do my stepdaughter's quest for mature decision-making about her future. So, I've learned that my husband can guide my stepson better without the judgment and lack of understanding I experience. It's more natural for me to spend my emotional energy influencing my stepdaughter regarding her long-term relationship or my biological girls with their current struggles.

As stepparents, we make constant sacrifices for our stepchildren and may see few rewards, particularly in the beginning. If we give up too much of ourselves in order to meet the constant needs of others, we will wind up frustrated or resentful. It's our responsibility as stepparents to determine what we must do to take care of ourselves adequately.

I like the way Sue Thoele discusses boundaries in The Courage to be a Stepmom:. "With practice and commitment, taking care of ourselves and setting self-nurturing limits can become second nature. Cultivating the ability to say "no" to unreasonable responsibilities and expectations makes it easier for us to say "yes" to love and laughter."

Do you need to practice saying "no" this week?

Related Posts:

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part One

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part Two

Confront Conflict Head-On

My daughter just returned from a cross country Spring Break trip with six other girls who go to college together. Toward the end of the week, the girls started having conflict and one girl began manipulating the others with rude comments to get her way. Unfortunately, the girls allowed her selfish behavior to dictate what they would do instead of confronting her.

As I talked with my daughter about confronting her friend, she said, "She'll just get mad and won't listen." That may be true, but if a friendship can continue with this young lady, the other girls must express their feelings about her behavior and how her interaction is harming their relationships.

While reading an article at http://www.beingastepparent.co.uk/, I came across a statement I completely agree with. "Some family problems remain unsettled for years because no one speaks up, but by doing this, family members deny themselves the chance to develop and maintain close, loving bonds with those nearest to them."

In other words, if we don't address the problems we're having with other members of our stepfamily, we will never be able to develop a loving relationship with them. Anger, bitterness, and resentment are the result of pushing our feelings under the carpet or using the silent treatment toward others, instead of addressing those who've hurt us.

The longer we wait to resolve the conflict, the harder it gets. But if we choose to lovingly approach the person with "I" statements of how the interaction made us feel (as opposed to "you" statements that singularly point the finger at the other person), we can begin to resolve the issue at hand. It's not easy and it requires  concentrated effort toward healthy communication, but the end result allows the relationship to positively move ahead.

During my stepson's adolescent years, he used aggressive anger toward me to control my parenting responses. Until I confronted his hurtful behavior (with my husband at my side), his angry speech manipulated my reactions as I cowered at his remarks.

When we began enforcing consequences for his angry outbursts and disrespect, he started changing his behavior toward me. It didn't happen instantly and it required a great deal of prayer on my part to love him despite his anger toward me, but I knew that time and patience were on my side.

Ignoring conflict doesn't make it go away. In the heat of the moment, it may be necessary to take a break from volatile emotions and come back later to address it. Or you might need to find your spouse for support if the conflict involves a stepchild. But don't bury your head and hope the conflict will take care of itself, because it won't.

Do you have unresolved conflict in your stepfamily that needs to be addressed?

Related Posts:

Coping with Difficult People

Managing Stepfamily Drama

Managing Stepfamily Drama - Part Two

Coping with Difficult People

Angry. Humiliated. Disgruntled. I left our church choir rehearsal with a flood of emotions circulating through my mind. As a piano accompanist, I had been belittled in front of the choir. It wasn't the first time it had happened but I vowed it would be the last.

I knew it was time to confront the person in charge who touted his musical knowledge in a fashion that humiliated those who worked for him. A peacemaker by nature, I don't like conflict. But I've learned there are times we must confront those in our path who are mistreating us.

That doesn't mean we recreate the conflict or nitpick issues that should be overlooked. As a stepparent, we can recognize the losses our stepchildren carry, and allow grace for their troubled emotions. As my post, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff talks about, we want to pick our battles. But it's important to realize that even as Christians, we do not have to allow others to mistreat or take advantage of  us.

In their book, Peacemaking Women, Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler talk about the need to confront. "As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov 19:11), and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt 7:5). But if after we have confessed our own sins we cannot overlook the offense, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt 7:5).

I like the way these ladies describe our responsbility in the conflict - try to overlook and confess our own sin first if that's part of the conflict. Then, if we cannot overlook the offense, humbly confront. The Scripture they give offers additional understanding of the Biblical view on conflict. 

In my conflict mentioned above, the choir director and I reached an amicable agreement in how he would treat me at rehearsal. It took courage on my part to confront his actions, but the result was worth the effort.

I pray you're not dealing with difficult people today. But if you are, I encourage you to seek a Biblical solution to the conflict by overlooking the offense when you can, and confronting in love when you can't.

Are you allowing a difficult person to badger or bully you? 

Related Posts:

The Need for Boundaries as a Stepparent

Healthy Stepparenting: Take Care of Yourself Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

Coping with Stepfamily Drama - Part Two

The holidays seem to involve more drama than usual for stepfamilies. In my last post, I shared some of our family's drama this Christmas and gave a few suggestions on how to cope with it. Today, I offer a few more ideas:

1. Stay out of the middle, when possible. If the drama occurring is between children, allow them to work it out. Our children need to learn how to manage conflict at home with other family members. If it becomes physically or emotionally hurtful, it's time to get involved. If the drama is between your spouse and an ex, let him/her deal with it. If the drama is between you and your spouse or an ex-spouse, you must confront it.

2. Resolve to take the high road every time. Be the more mature party. Someone has to be the adult during tumultuous periods - it allows for inner peace when we know we're doing the right thing.

3. Commit to pray for your family relationships and exercise patience as they develop. Stepfamily authorities say it takes seven years for a stepfamily to blend. We had more drama than I want to remember during the early years of our marriage but I'm thankful today that we persevered and have stable, loving relationships with one another (even though drama still shows up every now and then).

3. Ask for help when necessary. If conflict begins to occur more frequently without resolve, it could be time to seek professional help. Find a counselor that is familiar with stepfamily dynamics.  Or check out my coaching opportunities here.  Don't allow unresolved conflict or ongoing drama to destroy your relationships.

Have you successfully dealt with drama this holiday season? Do you have other suggestions to offer?
Related Posts:

Coping with Stepfamily Drama, Part One

Offering Forgiveness

Some Days Are Harder Than Others as a Stepparent

Coping with Stepfamily Drama

I wish I could say that Christmas with our five kids together was perfect this year. I had been looking forward to having everyone home for several days and savoring the moments together as a family.

But, unfortunately, much of the time spent together was stressful. Since four of our five children are young adults, there were a lot of opinions and varying ideas that arose during idle conversation, leading to heated discussions at times. Hurtful words were exchanged and unanswered questions raised. We worked through our struggles, but it was not always easy.

So, as I reflect on coping with stepfamily drama, I offer a few suggestions over the next two posts to successfully manage the inevitable conflict that comes with stepfamily life.

1. Expect a fair amount of drama, particularly at the beginning of the marriage, and other stressful periods.  This is where I went wrong this holiday season. I didn't recognize the underlying stress that is affecting our family as we anticipate my husband's job ending in February. Extra money spent at Christmas, the threat of my stepson's college scholarship in jeopardy, and any conversation regarding finances put everyone at edge, leaving us vulnerable to drama.

2. Take extra care to get enough rest, eat right, and exercise during periods of high stress.  
This area is easily neglected during the holiday season. Too many Christmas parties, a congested schedule with unavoidable obligations, and never-ending shopping trips leave little room for proper diet, exercise and adequate sleep. We don't cope well with drama when we're not in a good place ourselves physically and emotionally.

3. Nurture your marital relationship. Some day the kids will be gone and the drama will be over. But if the marriage wasn't nurtured, there will be nothing left to share. Don't let the conflict of "his, hers, and ours" drive your relationship apart. Find a way to have some time alone and reconnect with one another during and after stressful periods.

...To be continued

How do you handle stepfamily drama at your house?

Related Posts:

Conquering Conflict: Let it Go

Holiday Tip: Accept What You Cannot Change

Remain Hopeful During Stressful Periods

Holiday Tip: Accept What You Cannot Change

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the
difference.

I can list dozens of circumstances within our stepfamily I wish I could change. Instead I seek to accept difficult situations, looking for positive nuggets among the challenges.

I wish I could change the reality of my husband's job ending. Instead, I will accept the difficult circumstances and choose to believe God has a new plan for his employment, placing my faith in God's promises.

I wish I could change that my ex-husband continues to struggle with addiction, resulting in homelessness some years, negligence in his relationship with our girls, and disregard for child support payments.

Instead I choose to accept his instability, including lack of financial help, despite escalating expenses with one daughter in college and the other daughter beginning next Fall. I choose to accept that the girls need extra love and guidance from me to sort through their feelings and disappointments.

I wish I could change that my stepchildren lost their mother to cancer five years ago, resulting in painful emotions, particularly during the holiday season. I wish I could rescue them from their loss.

Instead I choose to stand beside them on good days and bad, listening to heart-wrenching feelings that children shouldn't have to experience. I choose to allow them the freedom to make good choices and not-so-good choices, praying for healing and maturity through the process.

I wish I could change that our nine-year-old son sees evidence of divorce in his immediate family everyday. I wish I could change the circumstances when he asks why his older brother and sisters have more than one mom or dad.

Instead I choose to answer his questions honestly, hoping to give him the tools he needs to engage in healthy relationships as he matures.

We make choices everyday that allow for peace and serenity or anger and anxiety. During this holiday season, I choose to seek serenity as I change what I can and accept what I cannot.

Are you trying to control circumstances you cannot change instead of accepting them?


Related Posts:


Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Remain Hopeful During Stressful Periods 

Positive Thinking Elicits Successful Stepparenting

Conquering Conflict: Make Team Building a Priority

The beauty of intentionally using team building to solve conflict in blended families is that it builds trust. As family members work out conflict as a united team, the members bond with each other. It doesn't happen instantly, but the effects can be seen over time.

Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family, by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger gives the best description I've seen of how a team builder approaches conflict:

"A team builder values other people. He/she believes others have a right to their own opinions.

The team builder accepts people's difference of opinion. He recognizes that those differences are not necessarily right or wrong, but are based on each individual's perception of the conflict.

The team builder wants to involve all conflicting parties in the resolution process.  

Once everyone has expressed his or her initial position, the team builder is willing to cooperate in the process of resolving the conflict.

A team builder recognizes that being trustworthy and being able to trust are necessary for cooperation.

A team builder does not use coercion, manipulation or force to get what he wants, but tries to persuade by discussing all of the information presented rationally.

The team builder will commit to the consensus of the group. "

Team building is a process and it requires effort. But it is the best approach for most circumstances, when conquering conflict in blended families.

Do you use a team approach in conflict situations?

Related posts:

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family: Decide to Keep Anger in Check and Use A Team Approach

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family: What Style Do You Use Most Frequently?

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family:  Using Flexibility

 

Conquering Conflict - Part Six: Decide to Keep Anger in Check and Use a Team Approach for Resolution

"Mom, I have some really bad news about your laptop." It was the first thing my teen-age daughter said to me as I came into her room on Labor Day. "We were using your laptop to make a video last night and my friend left it sitting on the arm of the rocking chair and when the chair rocked, it fell to the floor. When you turn it on, the screen is all messed up."

I took a deep breath as I sought to remain calm.  Why would you leave a laptop sitting on the arm of a rocking chair? My thoughts were reeling as I considered what to say. Her friend was there also and began telling me that she had spoken with her parents already, and they would pay for the damage. "I'm really sorry it happened," she said.

I was thankful for her willingness to take care of the expense but now I faced a writing deadline with an unfinished manuscript I couldn't access. I wanted to lash out at someone for the stupid decision to put an expensive piece of technology on a rocking chair arm, but knew that wouldn't solve my problem. I made a conscious decision to keep my anger in check and left the room.

Conflict happens when we least expect it. Thankfully, I was in good spirits when I learned of my damaged laptop, which prevented me from saying something I would regret later. I was also reminded of a decision I made years ago to will myself from losing control during conflict. I can't say that I've always kept that commitment, but I work hard at it. 

Later, I spoke with my daughter and her friend further. I expressed my disappointment over their poor choice in handling my laptop. I thanked her friend for her willingness to cover the expense and asked for their help in setting up an external monitor to determine how badly the laptop was damaged. I wanted them to be part of the resolution to the problem.

In my next post, I will consider the use of the team approach further and the value of keeping our anger in check when conflict occurs.

Do you need to commit to keeping your anger in check during conflict?

Related posts:

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part One: What is Your Style?
Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part Two: Using Flexibility 
Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part Three: Letting It Go 
Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part Four: Get a Grip on Your Pride
Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part Five: What Style do you Use Most Frequently?

Conquering Conflict - Part Five: What Style Do You Use Most Frequently?

When the phone rang, I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with another confrontation. My ex-husband was calling and I knew he had been in the hospital from another drug overdose. My daughter had talked to him earlier in the week and filled me in on the details. But, of course, he told her not to tell me. Lying is part of the sickness of addiction.

Avoiding conflict is another style we use in conflict. I had intentionally avoided the conflict that day, knowing I would not handle the situation well at the moment. But I did later call and confront him. My girls don't deserve the emotional pain they go through because of his choices, and once again, I asked him to please get help.

If we avoid conflict at every turn, we don't solve our problems. The timing of  the encounter may be altered if emotions are high, but we must talk about our conflict and how to work through it.

Another style used in conflict is playing the victim role. This happens when one of the parties in conflict gets on his pity pot and sulks about what happened. Instead of trying to get to the bottom of the situation, he points the finger at others involved and never looks at his own part of the conflict. He chooses to feel sorry for himself and gains satisfaction by getting everyone around to feel sorry for him also.

This style magnifies the situation because the sulking person drags others into the conflict with his self-pity and ruminating actions. The conflict is never resolved.

We've looked at several styles used in conquering conflict this past week: peacemaking, dominating, avoiding, and victimizing. Each of these styles uses less than ideal ways to work through conflict (although can be approprate at certain times). In our next post, we will talk about the best way to conquer conflict in blended families.

Have you noticed what style you use? Is it working for you?

Conquering Conflict - Part Four: Get a Grip On Your Pride

Yesterday, I learned of a fist fight that occurred at school with one of my son's friends. The 10-year-old boy was provoked by another child with teasing remarks, "You can't make me do what you want." Letting his pride get the best of him, my son's friend threw the first punch.

Pride. It can sneak into our demeanor and send us down the road of conflict.  Righteous words. Indignant reactions. Puffed up egos. It's the ugly side of pride.

Pride creates obstacles in stepfamilies, especially with parenting. When one party insists his parenting style is right or he has all the answers to problems that arise, conflict begins.

My husband has told me many times that I like to be right when we have conflict. I like to have the last word. Ugh - I see the pridefulness of that position.

So, I've learned to think about the contrast of being right or being happy. Am I going to insist that my position is right and be miserable because of my prideful stance, or will I let go of my need to be right and enjoy the freedom of considering another person's opinion. I don't do it beautifully every time (as my husband will tell you), but I am aware of my prideful tendencies. Awareness is the first step toward a different behavior.

Where do you find yourself on the pendelum of indignant pride? Are you swinging in the direction of self-righteousness, invoking conflict with every action, or are you choosing to swing toward humility, seeking peace and balance with your words and  behavior? It's a choice.

Do you need to examine the element of pride within yourself? 

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part Three: Letting It Go

 Our pastor spoke on handling conflict yesterday and had some wonderful points. I especially liked his illustration of what happens to us when we hold on to conflict - "It's like hugging a cactus. You can do it but it will be painful."

Too many times we hang on to the aftermath of conflict. Hurt feelings, bitterness, self-pity, angry words. We rehash the ugly details of the conflict. Instead we need to confront it, deal with it, and move on. If we refuse to let go, we suffer from painful effects.

We must also recognize our part of conflict. In his book, Peacemaking for Families, Ken Sande reminds us, "It takes two to tangle. The fact is, we frequently contribute in some way to relational problems. Whether it be through our words, our thoughts, our motives, our attitudes, or our deeds, we are more often than not guilty of either starting or at least aggravating any conflict we are involved in."

That statement resonates with me. I would like to believe that the recent conflict with my stepson was completely his fault. But if I'm truthful with myself, I must admit  that I aggravated the situation with my insensitive words.

Our pastor also reminded us, "We can respond to conflict in hatred or love. Make the decision to act in the best interests of the other person."

Loving others in the midst of conflict is hard. But the aftereffects are much more comfortable than hugging a cactus!  "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (Proverbs 10:17)

Are you hugging a cactus today?

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part Two: Using Flexibility

In their book, The Remarriage Checkup, Ron Deal and David Olson discuss the differences in how couples handle conflict. "Research has suggested that happy and unhappy couples alike share the same number of conflicts. Unhappy couples just can't get through the differences - they get stuck in them. Healthy couples, by comparison, are much more likely to find creative solutions to their differences and work them out (80 percent versus only 28 percent of unsatisfied couples). They are able to think outside the box and are open to explore different ideas."

One way we get stuck in conflict is when we use the same style of handling conflict for every situation. I addressed the peacekeeper style in my earlier post on managing conflict. Another style many people use is the dominator.When I think about the dominator style, I think of a fast-moving train plowing down a track. If you get in its way, you will be plastered.

Dominators believe they must get their way, regardless of what it takes. They use arguing, yelling, threatening, or manipulating to get others to surrender to them. Dominators may even use force or bodily harm  when other tactics don't work. But managing conflict  through dominating others is rarely the solution.

An alternative to insisting upon your way through dominating others is allowing flexibility with what others in your family need and want. The Remarriage Checkup states, "Our research discovered that a healthy dose of flexibility in the couple's relationship and individual attitudes toward the management of their family was one of the top five predictors of a satisfying relationship, and accounted for nearly 20 percent of what predicted a healthy, strong remarriage relationship."

You don't see the quality of flexibility mentioned often in conflict resolution. And it doesn't always come easy. But if we can embrace flexibility, we can turn conflict into a win-win situation for all involved.

Do you have a dominator in your family? Can you help him/her see the benefits of flexibility in conflict resolution?

Conquering Conflict in Your Blended Family - Part One: What is Your Style?

"I don't handle conflict well and lately it seems to be following me around."  Stepmother

Blended families have more conflict on average than traditional families. There are a lot of variables that can lead to conflict. But that doesn't mean our families have  to be consumed with it. Conflict is part of life and if we learn to manage it constructively, we can resolve it as it occurs and move forward.

I will do several posts over the next week or so on managing conflict. Some of my thoughts come from within our own family and observing other stepfamilies during conflict periods. Other ideas come from Resolving Conflict in the Blended Family by Tom and Adrienne Frydenger.  

Many of us developed certain ways to deal with conflict during our childhood. Those styles may have worked for us in our family of origin or in simple conflict situations but may not work for us in complex stepfamily struggles. We will talk about different conflict styles and you will likely find a style you use most often.

When my first marriage ended, I went through a lot of counseling to better understand myself and how I ended up in such a dysfunctional marriage. I learned I was a peacemaker and people pleaser and leaned toward a peacemaker style when dealing with conflict. I wanted everyone to get along and went to great lengths to have everyone in agreement, even if I sacrificed my desires and convictions in the process.

Peacekeepers often give up part of themselves to work through conflict. They end up with stomach ulcers and migraine headaches because they're not effectively dealing with the issue at hand. They're going along with what others want, regardless of whether it has a healthy outcome that works for everyone involved (including themselves).

There are times when peacemaking is okay for conflict. We see from Biblical examples that Jesus believed in this style: "If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop  him from taking your tunic." (Luke 6:29). However, if we follow Jesus' examples, we will notice other styles he used also.

Peacemaking does not work with defiant teen-age stepchildren or rude, hateful ex-spouses. As stepparents, we are not doormats to be trampled or fence posts to be kicked. Many blended family issues are too complex to use a simple peacemaking style without getting trampled on.

Do you identify with a peacemaking style in manging conflict? Can you recognize times when it doesn't work effectively?