Are You Celebrating the Beauty of Family this Holiday- Even if Yours is Imperfect?

I was on the phone this week with stepfamily author, Ron Deal. We were chatting about his upcoming move to assume a new position with FamilyLife as the Director of Blended Families Ministries. (Read press release here). I could hear his excitement of continuing his ministy with stepfamilies in a larger fashion through such a great organization.

But I could also hear his grief when he mentioned the upcoming anniversary of the loss of their son, Connor. Connor was 12  years old when he came down with a rare illness that took his life within two weeks of its onset. He was the middle child of three boys and his family will never be the same. It's a parents worst nightmare that leaves unfathomable pain in its wake.

Although the loss of a child may be the greatest loss anyone could experience, each member of a stepfamily has experienced loss too. Through death or divorce, relationships end and pain remains. But through healthy stepfamily relationships, family members can begin to heal and find joy in life again.

Although it may take longer than we desire, beautiful relationships can form if we don't give up. And our family becomes something to celebrate, even if it's imperfect.

So as you celebrate the birth of Christ on Christmas this week-end, I encourage you to celebrate the beauty of family also. Although your stepfamily relationships may not be where you wish they were, celebrate the progress you've made. Commit to stronger relationships through intentional effort as you look toward a new year.

Life is short. We don't know what's around the corner that could alter our family dynamics forever. But we do know what our relationships look like today and can choose to celebrate the beauty of our family.

How will you celebrate the unique beauty of your stepfamily as you celebrate the holidays?

Related Posts:

Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful

Stinkin' Thinkin' Creates Bitter Quitters in Stepfamilies

Unexpected Stepparenting Moments

*Note to Readers: Our out-of-state move begins next week. My blogging will be sporadic for the next month but I hope to return to a regular schedule by late summer.

Yesterday was my 50th birthday. A milestone. I had great plans for a leisurely morning on my son's first day of summer, while considering a movie before going to dinner with my girlfriends. (With my husband working out of state, I planned my own celebration). But my plans went completely awry.

"I'm headed to the Emergency Room," I heard my stepson, Payton, say on the other end of the phone as I scrambled out of bed. "I'm in severe pain in my lower back and don't know what to do." I sensed panic in his voice and tried to calm  his fears. "Let me call the doctor and try to get you in. You will sit for hours at the ER," I said. "Come to the house so I can help you."

Less than an hour later we were waiting in the doctor's office, my stepson barely able to sit on the exam table.The doctor explained that it appeared he had a kidney stone and would need to wait it out, pushing fluids and surviving on pain meds while praying the stone would pass on its own. I suspected that was the diagnosis we would hear and I think my stepson was relieved it wasn't anything more serious. But kidney stones are not fun to deal with.

I dropped Payton at our house to rest while I picked up his pain medicine. Upon returning, I found him curled in a fetal position, trying to cope with the pain. He took the medicine and began a steady intake of fluids. As the medicine began to take effect, he dozed off quietly.

He stayed at the house most of the day while I encouraged fluid intake and resting. He expressed sincere appreciation for my help during his time of need. He knew it was my birthday and apologized for the inconvenience. But I was thankful I could help.

I reflected on the day later with my sister and she remarked, "That's just how life goes, isn't it?" It was okay that I didn't get to enjoy a leisurely morning or make it to the movies. I did enjoy a special dinner with dear friends that evening as we celebrated my birthday. And I cherished the fact that I was able to help my stepson through a difficult day.

Critical stepparenting moments occur when we least expect them. But if we take the time to rise to the occasion, those are the moments most appreciated by our stepchildren.

Have you experienced unexpected stepparenting moments lately?

Related Posts:

Expect the Unexpected on Your Stepparenting Journey

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

When Stepparenting Isn't What You Expected

Coping with Difficult People

Angry. Humiliated. Disgruntled. I left our church choir rehearsal with a flood of emotions circulating through my mind. As a piano accompanist, I had been belittled in front of the choir. It wasn't the first time it had happened but I vowed it would be the last.

I knew it was time to confront the person in charge who touted his musical knowledge in a fashion that humiliated those who worked for him. A peacemaker by nature, I don't like conflict. But I've learned there are times we must confront those in our path who are mistreating us.

That doesn't mean we recreate the conflict or nitpick issues that should be overlooked. As a stepparent, we can recognize the losses our stepchildren carry, and allow grace for their troubled emotions. As my post, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff talks about, we want to pick our battles. But it's important to realize that even as Christians, we do not have to allow others to mistreat or take advantage of  us.

In their book, Peacemaking Women, Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler talk about the need to confront. "As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov 19:11), and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt 7:5). But if after we have confessed our own sins we cannot overlook the offense, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt 7:5).

I like the way these ladies describe our responsbility in the conflict - try to overlook and confess our own sin first if that's part of the conflict. Then, if we cannot overlook the offense, humbly confront. The Scripture they give offers additional understanding of the Biblical view on conflict. 

In my conflict mentioned above, the choir director and I reached an amicable agreement in how he would treat me at rehearsal. It took courage on my part to confront his actions, but the result was worth the effort.

I pray you're not dealing with difficult people today. But if you are, I encourage you to seek a Biblical solution to the conflict by overlooking the offense when you can, and confronting in love when you can't.

Are you allowing a difficult person to badger or bully you? 

Related Posts:

The Need for Boundaries as a Stepparent

Healthy Stepparenting: Take Care of Yourself Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

The Value of a Supportive Spouse

With Valentine's Day upon us, it's a great time to show your spouse what you appreciate about him/her. And if your spouse is a stepparent, make an extra effort to validate his efforts and the important role he plays in the life of your child.

It's so easy to get distracted with our kids and forget to let our spouse know how important he/she is to us. My husband is a much better encourager than I am and I often take for granted his words of love and support. But without his support, I would have given up on my stepparenting role.

During my stepkid's adolescent years, it seemed I was emotionally attacked regularly. If someone was unhappy, I became the target for their anger. But thankfully, my husband stood up for me and required that I be treated with respect.

One of the best gifts we can give our spouse if he/she is a stepparent is the gift of support. Stepparenting is a difficult role and if we don't feel that our spouse is supporting our efforts, it's easy to give up. There are a lot of ways to show support but here are a few to consider:

Thank him for being a parent to your child.
Compliment his stepparenting efforts.
Require that your children are respectful toward him.
Affirm his worth as your spouse.
Offer him grace when he messes up.
Cook his favorite meal.
Enjoy an evening together without the kids.
Put his needs before yours.
Make your relationship a priority.

If you're a stepparent also, and you're not getting the support you need from your spouse, ask for it! Your spouse cannot read your mind and may not realize the struggle you're experiencing.

Marriage is a union between two people that requires constant nurturing. But the rewards of our efforts far outweigh the work.

How do you show support to your spouse? I would love to hear from you.

Related Posts:

Making Your Remarriage Work: Be An Encourager

Nurture Your Marriage

The Value of Prioritizing Your Marriage

Stepfamily Trap: The Danger of Denying Our Feelings

"I thought I would naturally love my stepchildren as my own but the feelings are not there," my friend, stepmother of two said. "I tried to deny my feelings for a long time, but I'm finally accepting them for what they are."

You can't control your feelings and if you allow yourself to feel guilty for feeling a certain way, it creates more bad feelings. It's okay if you don't feel love toward your stepchildren all the time. You might develop more loving feelings as your relationship develops, but you might not.

If we're really honest, we must admit that some stepchildren are easier to love than others. In her book, Stepmonster, Dr. Wednesday Martin paints a painful, but realistic, picture of how stepchildren behave. "Our stepchildren do, in fact, frequently try to exclude us. They do things -- consciously or unconsciously -- that make us feel overlooked, left out, unappreciated. They send subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle signals that they wish we simply didn't exist, that they'd like to erase us from the picture, or from the message on the answering machine."

Dr. Martin goes on to tell a story "of a woman who was not invited to her stepdaughter's wedding, after nearly two decades of marriage to the young woman's father, 'because it will be too difficult for Mom.' Her husband told his daughter that they would attend together or not at all, but the stepmother never really recovered from her hurt and, not surprisingly, ceased making efforts with her stepdaughter for a long time."

Hopefully, your stepchildren have not been that cruel to you. But, if you've been a stepparent long, I would venture to guess you've been hurt more than once by your stepchild. That doesn't make it okay to stoop to his/her level and react with tit for tat behavior, but it is okay to acknowledge how those actions affect your feelings.

I learned early in our marriage that I would need God's help to love my stepchildren unconditionally. It's not easy and I don't get it right all the time, but as I pray for God to soften my heart toward my stepchildren, I'm able to offer them my love and forgiveness. In our early years of marriage there were days that I felt my  stepchildren didn't deserve another chance, but then I was reminded that I don't deserve the love and grace God offers me either.

Feelings are not facts. They will change as your relationships develop. It's okay to admit to feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment in your stepparenting role. Just don't get stuck there. Work through your feelings with a friend, a minister, or your spouse. Or seek professional counseling if you need help identifying your feelings and coping with them.

We can't allow our feelings to control us. But we can seek to uncover their roots and deal with them appropriately.

What feelings are you burying, in hopes they will simply go away?

Related Posts:

Let Go of the Guilt

Do You Love Your Stepkids?

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Take Care of the Small Stuff

"Mom, I've been hit from behind and my car has a good amount of damage." My youngest daughter was in her first fender bender this last week. She called me in tears and asked me what to do. She wasn't hurt but I could tell she was scared. I told her to pull over and call the police.

I asked if she wanted me to come help and she said yes. I knew she was capable of handling the situation by herself, but thought she could use some emotional support.

When we take the time to help our children and stepchildren through their trials, we build stronger relationships with them. Our actions speak love when we help them. It may not be convenient or easy for us, but it shows our children we care about them.

This past week, my stepson was stressed out about his work schedule and other things he needed to do to finish his school schedule. He had just completed another semester of college and needed to get his textbooks returned. I offered to help return his books if he would bring them to me. He thanked me and was genuinely appreciative of my help.

With the holidays in full swing, there are a variety of ways we can show our stepchildren we love them through the small stuff. Attend their Christmas programs, help them shop for their siblings and other family members (including their bio parent in the other home), eat lunch with them at school (unless they're teenagers...), help them with their homework, or whatever else you can do that shows you care.

How will you show love to your stepchildren this week through the small stuff?

Related Posts:

Offering a Gift of Kindness

Take Care of the Small Stuff Before It Gets Big

Holiday Tip for Stepfamilies: Accept What You Cannot Change


  

 

Friday's Fav Scripture - "Love is Patient"

"Love is pateint, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (I Corinthians 13:4)

We live in a fast paced society that believes everything should happen quickly. We don't like to wait for food to cook so we put everything in the microwave. We have instant contact with people 24/7 through text messaging. There's no need to go to the library and look things up the old-fashioned way anymore because we can find whatever we want on our computer.  

But if we try to carry that thinking over to our relationships, it doesn't work. Trust and respect take time to build, particularly in stepfamilies. If we want lasting, meaningful relationships we must be willing to put in the time and commitment required. There are no shortcuts.

I cherish this Scripture and need the reminder of what Christ-like love looks like: "Love is patient......it always perseveres."

How are you doing in your stepfamily relationships? Are you seeing the results of patience and perseverance on your stepfamily journey?

Related Posts:

Offer Love and Grace Freely

Love is Sacrificial

Let Go and Let God

Offering a Gift of Kindness

The little things in life can make the most difference. My daughter helping me carry in groceries on a day I'm overwhelmed with chores. A stranger offering me thanks at church for playing the piano each week. My husband putting air in my tires when he notices the dashboard light.

Acts of kindness are simple reminders that show others we care about them. They may take a few moments of our day or an entire afternoon. But they speak volumes to the one on the receiving end.

My stepson is without a car for an indefinite period of time because of his recent car wreck. I knew he was concerned about getting back and forth to school and work from his apartment. So, I sent him a text message Monday morning offering to help with rides when I could.

He responded with an appreciative message back. It wasn't a big deal on my part but it communicated to him that I care and want to help him during this stressful period.

I wish I could say I'm always willing to help and come armed with a considerate attitude. But I'm not. I'm selfish with my time and like to consider my needs first. But I realize the value of a Christ-like attitude in doing for others, especially my children.

Stepparenting takes time and sacrifice. The needs of our stepchildren while they are in our home (whether part-time or full-time) last only a season. But the rewards of a willing heart toward unselfish acts of kindness can be seen for many years as a meaningful relationship ensues.

We may not receive the appreciation we deserve for serving our stepchildren. But we will be blessed in knowing we have done our part in offering Christ-like love and kindness.

"Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience..." (Colossians 3:12)

How will you show kindness today?

Related Posts:

Character that Counts

Love is Sacrificial

Reflecting Gentleness

Expressing Kindness to Your Family

Love is Sacrificial

We started off our week with a car problem. Ugh! My husband's car had to be towed to the dealership first thing this morning. After coming in from church last night, he couldn't get the motor to shut down when he turned the car off. He finally disconnected the part that runs to the fuel pump to stop the engine.

The technician from the dealership said he would give it a good check up and let us know the problem and what needed to be fixed.

While waiting on the diagnosis, I began thinking about areas in my life that needed a good check up. It's easy to recognize that there's more than one place that could use some "fixing" from God's healing hand.

My most glaring need today centers around how I allow my personal agenda and selfishness to keep me from loving others and treating them as I should. I don't always feel loving toward those around me and I allow my feelings to dictate my actions.

 It's easy to be loving and kind toward my stepchildren when they're being respectful and obedient. But it's a lot harder to continue to love them when they're rude and offensive. 

However, I'm frequently reminded of the commitment I made when I married my husband. I married him "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health." I committed to loving him and his children, even on days I didn't feel like it.

So today I will ask for the Lord's help to show sacrificial love to my stepchildren. It doesn't mean I will like their behavior or agree with their choices, but I will seek to honor the Golden Rule with them: "Do for others what you would like them to do for you" (Matthew 7:12).

I will expect nothing in return but know that God sees my heart and my desire to honor Him.

Does your heart need a check up today? Are there areas that need God's healing hand?  

 Related Posts:

When Love is Not Enough

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Offer Love and Grace Freely

Healthy Stepparenting: Don't Keep Score

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Offer Love and Grace Freely

My youngest son just came back from his first overnight church camp. He told me story after story of the fun he had with his friends and the memories he made on the campground.

But then, with tears in his eyes, he told me of the many talks they had of what Jesus has done for us and the love and grace He offers us, undeserved.

As we come to the end of our posts on creating a stable stepfamily, I am reminded of the most important element of creating a stable stepfamily: offer love and grace freely to your stepchildren. Even when they don't deserve it.

Stable relationships are formed as we show our stepchildren we love them on good days and bad, offering forgiveness to them, undeserved. It's not easy to do and can only be accomplished through God's strength, but will make a long-term difference in our relationships.

How can you show love and grace to your family this week-end?

Have a happy 4th of July and spend some quality time with your stepchildren!

When Love is not Enough

I watched a movie last night about the founding of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics.) It spoke to my heart because of the 11 year journey I walked in my first marriage with an alcoholic. Al-Anon saved my sanity at one point as the disease progressed and I became as crazy as the alcoholic.

The movie drove home the point that love is not enough to change an alcoholic or save an alcoholic marriage. The addict and the family must get help to overcome the ugly disease.

In a similar way, I believe love is not enough to save a struggling stepfamily. The challenges of stepfamily life are different from alcoholism but many times the effects are the same. Isolation, rejection, hurt, anger, bitterness and resentment can have lasting consequences in an unhappy stepfamily. These feelings must be addressed and worked through for solutions to emerge and healing to occur.

I was reminded of the Serenity Prayer and the power of applying it to stepparenting:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

There are some things on our stepparenting journey we cannot change. But there are many things we can. Relationships in stepfamilies have unique dynamics that require different relational skills than those in nuclear families. But stepfamilies can provide nurturing homes that offer healing for loss of death or divorce with healthy stepparenting.

Life's too short to live in conflict. If you need help with stepparenting or stepfamily relationships, check out my coaching opportunities. I'm passionate about helping other stepparents due to the challenges we have walked through. If your stepfamily is struggling, I encourage you to seek help.