Nuggets of Wisdom from Laura Petherbridge, co-author of "The Smart Stepmom"
I had the privilege of attending the first "stepmom retreat" this week-end in Dallas, hosted by http://www.blendedandbonded.com/ with Laura Petherbridge speaking. It was a wonderful time of connecting with stepmoms from around the country, meeting stepmom friends I talk with on Twitter and FB, and hearing some nuggets of wisdom from long-time stepmom Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom.
I want to share a few thoughts I came away with that spoke to my heart in hopes of encouraging you in your stepparenting role. Many I had heard before but they were good reminders for me.
1. God can teach me how to love kids who are hurting me. I ask Him to help me see them through His eyes and He does. "Chosen" love is still love. I can choose to love my stepchildren.
2. Children are fiercely loyal to a biological parent, even if the parent is unkind, abusive, detached, or emotionally unstable. The more dysfunctional the other biological parent is, the less likely the stepchild will bond with the stepparent. I can't control that.
3. All stepfamilies are formed due to loss. Re-marriage is viewed as another loss for children and the children are at least two years behind the parents in the grieving process. Give them time to heal.
4. Money is going to be tight. My husband is OBLIGATED by God to support his children (I Timothy 5:8). They didn't chose a stepmother or more siblings.
5. The children who do the best after divorce are those who maintain a healthy relationship with both parents. Stepchildren need alone time with their biological parent, without the stepparent.
6. God will reward your efforts. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
There is so much more I could share, but instead I encourage you to read Laura's book. She has walked the path and offers reality with encouragement through her writing.
Do you need encouragement today? What nugget of wisdom spoke to you?
Do you have triggers that send your emotions over the edge quicker than you want to admit? Unfortunately, I do and one of them is the emotional struggle with my ex-husband.
I've had a difficult week as a result of his out-of-town visit with my daughters. The girls get caught in the middle between trying to do the right thing but honoring their embittered feelings toward him due to the unstable history of their relationship.
As a parent, I still feel responsible for helping them make wise choices when they call for advice, as my 18-year-old did the night her dad arrived. I was not malicious, but honest, when I explained to her that she needed to take care of herself and not get caught in an unhealthy situation, despite the poor choice her dad was making. Unfortunately, because of a history of addiction, drama and misshappenings surround him, but I have always sought to keep the girls from being entangled in it.
And the situation becomes more complicated now that we live four hours away and I can't rescue the girls from their dad's inappropriate behavior. But I can still coach them through sticky circumstances, teaching them how to protect themselves from others' bad choices.
I wish it didn't have to be this way. But it is. Life is messy. But I refuse to give in. My children may have unhealthy influences in their lives, but my current husband and I can continue to offer stable influences that overshadow others. Healthy role models are hard to ignore and will have a positive influence in the long run.
I have spent years teaching my daughters, 18 and 21 years old, the dangers of addiction and the consequences to bad choices. They are now seeing painful consequences played out in a defeated life. But I rest on the hope that my words and behavior have not been wasted and am thankful to watch healthy lifestyle choices played out as my daughters navigate their young adult years.
In what area is your stepfamily life messy? Will you make a commitment to sort through the messiness? If so,will you please share about it?
Coping with Difficult Emotions Through the Holidays
If you've stopped by from Tricia Goyer's blog today: Welcome!
Today's post is an excerpt from our e-book, Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success - Unwrapping the Gift of Peace
"My stepson and stepdaughter lost their mother after a short battle with cancer several years after my husband and I married. Because of their loss, the holidays have never been the same for them. She died in August and naturally the first Christmas season was very difficult. But I didn't anticipate how difficult every holiday after that would be also.
I'll never forget the second season after thier mother's death. My adolescent children were having a wonderful time decorating the tree, singing Christmas carols, and reminiscing of Christmas' past. Without warning, my stepson abruptly uttered some angry words and retreated to his room. His sour mood dampened the atmosphere for the girls - momentarily for all of us!
...
Difficult emotions present themselves with every holiday season. And in blended families, complicated circumstances compound them. But we can make a choice to refuse to let them consume us.
It's vital that we allow ourselves to "feel" our feelings. That means we don't stuff them, we don't deny them, we don't avoid them through busyness, and we don't compensate for them by overeating, drinking, or using any sort of sedative. Feelings eventually pass if we give ourselves permission to "feel" them.
Seek out support during stressful periods. Talk with a friend, a pastor, or another stepparent as you process your feelings. Relay your concerns to your spouse and ask for his/her support on hard days. You don't have to walk the stepparenting journey alone - a comforting friend or a godly prayer partner may offer the support you need to get through a difficult day."
Read more on coping with difficult emotions when you purchase our e-book here.
Are you struggling with difficult emotions right now? How do you cope with them? Will you share with us in the comments?
Your Holiday Doesn't Have to be Perfect to be Meaningful
I'll never forget the first holiday season our family celebrated together. My husband and I had married in mid-October and the holidays descended upon us before we could get settled in our new surroundings. My expectations of a joyous holiday season quickly faded as the reality of chaos and heartache took over.
Blending four young children, managing a harried schedule with two uncooperative ex-spouses while grappling with my expectations of a perfect, first holiday ignited a simmering blaze that burned throughout the season, leaving behind a trail of hurt feelings and defeat.
How could I expect it to be perfect? Because I'm a perfectionist. I wanted to prove to myself and others that, despite the odds of our new marriage and complexities, we could have a perfect, delightful holiday season. I was wrong.
In her book, Set Free to Live Free: Breaking through the 7 Lies Women Tell Themselves, Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith writes, "Perfection is not the goal on earth. ... Your life is a progressive journey. There will be times of success and times of failure. There will be times of faith and times of doubt. There will be moments of joy and moments of fear. You cannot maneuver this obstacle course we call life and expect to finish the race perfectly."
I've given up the idea of a perfect holiday season. But that doesn't mean it won't be meaningful. There may be squabbles among the kids, or sour attitudes while shopping, or a less-than-perfect decorated tree by my children, but that doesn't mean I won't cherish the memories of time together as a family.
You see, our time as a family isn't the same anymore. We only have one of our five children still living at home and we will only all be together briefly on Christmas day. So, I choose to value how small or large our family gathering is and enjoy every moment we have together as an imperfect family.
In our book, Thriving at the Holidays, Heather writes, "Life rarely goes as planned and the tighter we hold onto expectations of the perfect Thanksgiving or Christmas, the tighter, tenser and more stressed we are likely to feel. Let the strands of Christmas tree lights, not our emotions, be the only thing that gets tangled up this holiday season. Peace in the heart leads to peace in the home."
Have you experienced lesss-than-perfect holidays in the past? How did you cope?
I was talking to a stepmom this week who is recently divorced. She had two stepchildren and told of her struggle to be Super StepMom. But it didn't matter how hard she tried, it didn't change the difficult relationship with her stepchildren.
There are so many variables that influence what kind of relationship we have with our stepchildren. And many of those variables are beyond our control.
We can make every effort to be Stepmom of the Year but come to the end of the year with the same relationship we started at the beginning. But that doesn't mean we have to accept the blame for the rejection.
During my stepson's adolescent years, he found all kinds of reasons to dislike me. Some of them might have been legitimate, but most were unfounded. Regardless of how hard I tried to be a good stepmom to him, he rejected my efforts.
I have been married to my stepson's dad for 16 years and after many difficult years, my stepson and I now have a good relationship. It isn't because I became a different person toward him. It's because he has matured into a young man who, at 21 years old, recognizes and appreciates the role I've played in his life.
Did I want to quit being his stepmom during those adolescent years? Absolutely! Did I deserve the treatment I received? No! Am I thankful I didn't walk away? Yes!
Acting as a Super StepMom doesn't guarantee a good relationship with your stepchild, and usually results in unmet expectations. Consistent love over time, through the ups and downs of life, could be the difference. But regardless of your stepchild's behavior, the only way you fail in this role, is if you quit.
Do you need to give up the role of Super StepMom and the expectations that go with it?
How Do You Cope When Your Season of Life Takes an Abrupt Turn?
I knew our move out of state would be a difficult change for me. But I didn't recognize the change of season I would experience at the same time.
I had a comfortable life in Conway, Arkansas. I was actively involved in the community as a fellow parent, school volunteer, local magazine writer, piano instructor, and active church member.
I spent most of my time involved with our children's activities and community events. But when we moved, everything changed.
It changed because my season changed. We had two children already in college who were living away from home, but it was easy to connect with them on week-ends or evenings.
Our fourth oldest child graduated from high school last Spring and made plans to begin college in the Fall. And like her brother and sister, she began her college education in Conway.
So, we moved to Shreveport, Louisiana with one child. Our 10-year-old, Nathan, is the only child we have left at home. It creates a lump in my throat as I realize we have begun the descent to empty nest.
How did this happen? How did we go from four children at home, frequent teen-age struggles, frustrating stepchild rebellion, and unexpected late-night crises to a quiet, easy-going environment with a compliant elementary child who rarely ripples the water?
How did our home move from one that had constant activity with countless children coming and going to a home controlled by the activity of one?
Suddenly, I recognize the brevity of our child-rearing season of life.
I know it feels like your stepchildren will never leave home and you will always be in an unending struggle with them -- but it really does change.
I know it's hard to recognize that someday you won't need to have frequent conversations with your difficult ex-spouse about the children's visitation schedule -- but it really does change.
I know it seems like you will never get the laundry finished, house cleaned, and meals cooked on time because there are simply not enough hours in the day -- but it really does change.
And when your season of life takes an abrupt turn, how do you cope?
Lean into your faith, and rely on those you love.
Seek help from someone else who has gone through it. Because at some point, we all experience new seasons of life.
But in our new season, we can find meaning with purposeful involvement in other's lives around us. We can leave behind the struggles of our stepparenting years and move forward with a renewed faith in maturing relationships with our stepchildren.
So, if you're in a child-rearing season with difficult stepchildren that seems to have no end, be encouraged. It will not last forever.
But in the midst of it, nurture the relationship with your spouse. Because when the children leave home, and your season of life takes an abrupt turn, your spouse will be there to pick up the pieces with you.
"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
Where are you in the seasons of life? Will you share your experience in the comments below?
I have a cracked tooth. I went to the dentist this morning and heard some unexpected news. Because it's one of my front teeth and it has small cracks throughout the tooth, I was told I will eventually need to crown the tooth or consider veneers.
Instead of a simple filling to fix the tooth, I have to consider a completely different alternative - not a bad solution, just different (and much more expensive!) than what I anticipated.
The scenario reminded me of a poem my sister (stepmom of three) mentioned to me recently. It was actually written for parents of autistic children, but is just as applicable for stepparents.
It illustrates the point that when we find ourselves in a situation that's different than what we want, we can learn to appreciate the good about it or spend our time regretting what we wish we had.
If we're constantly comparing our family to those around us in traditional families, we will never learn to appreciate the value and uniqueness of our stepfamily.
I hope you enjoy the poem as much as I have.
Welcome to Holland
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, the Michelangelo David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!" you say. "What do you mean, Holland?" I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy.
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to some horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy a new guidebook. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around, and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy, and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
The pain of that will never, ever, go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.
Written by Emily Perl Kingsley
Can you learn to appreciate Holland or are you stuck in regret about Italy?
"Mom, listen to this text," my 18-year-old daughter, Jodi, said early yesterday morning. "My friend, Jacob Mulberry was killed in a tragic accident last night. His brother, Keith is seriously injured. There were two others in the truck - not sure of their conditions."
The text was from a friend of hers about two brothers they go to school with. Jodi read other details about the wreck in shock, not believing that a boy she just saw in class is now dead. She learned later that the brother, Keith, also died later that evening.
Coping with loss is never easy. I can't imagine how this family will deal with the loss of their two sons. Their lives will never be the same.
The loss experienced in a stepfamily is not the same as an unexpected vehicle fatality, but the losses our stepchildren encounter as a result of death or divorce is significant. And when we don't acknowledge their loss or minimize their feelings, it hinders their ability to work through their feelings and adjust to stepfamily life.
So, how do we help our stepchildren with their loss? First, we allow them to talk about their other parent when they're in our home. We might ask if they want to have pictures of their parent in their room, or other items that help them feel comfortable. We don't compete with the other parent or try to replace that parent for our stepchildren.
It also helps to remember that loyalty conflict is a result of the loss our stepchildren feel. My husband and I had been married more than 10 years when my stepchildren lost their mother to cancer. I had a good relationship with my stepchildren but after her loss, my stepson became very distant for awhile. He struggled with how to integrate his grief over his mother's death with his feelings toward me. As he worked through his grief with a counselor and allowed time to heal his hurt, he was able to come back to a relationship with me.
Loss can affect everyday temperament, causing mood swings and emotional outbursts. Some children naturally handle emotions better than others, but if your stepchild shows unstable emotions regularly, it might be time to consider professional help.
Stepfamilies are born of loss. Especially in the early years of marriage, it's likely that stepchildren will struggle with a confusing set of emotions because of loss. Be sensitive and compassionate toward them, encouraging them to talk through their feelings while helping them process their loss. Don't be reluctant to seek professional help if necessary.
Are you sensitive toward the loss your stepchildren feel?
What's stressing you today? Have the little things of life become big things because you're having trouble letting go? Is your stepchild relationship experiencing a small leak that's about to lead to a blowout?
How we react to what happens around us determines a hostile or peaceful outcome. If my stepson shoots a glaring look my way, I can choose to ignore it or I can let it ruin my day. If my stepdaughter challenges my thinking on something I believe in, I can spout off a defensive remark or I can stand firm in my position while shrugging my shoulders.
There are a multitude of things that happen every day in our stepfamily relationships that are not worth getting stressed about. When we identify which battles we want to fight, and leave the rest alone, we find more serentiy for our journey.
My good friend and stepfamily authority, Ron L. Deal, says his whole perspective on life changed after he lost his son from a brief illness. He says he doesn't stress anymore about a spilled drink in the living room or whether every paper gets put in the recycling bin. Life is simply too short to spend our days bothered over trivial matters.
In his book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff, Dr. Richard Carlson says he plays a game with himself called the "time warp." He says, "I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp," all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, 'Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be? Will this matter a year from now?' Once in a great while it may be -- but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't."
So, next time your stepchild leaves his laundry in the washing machine and goes to school, leaving it for you to finish, remind yourself that it won't matter a year from now. That doesn't mean you don't address the issue when he comes in from school and seek to correct it from happening again, but it does mean you choose not to stew over it the rest of the day.
Are you sweating the small stuff in your stepfamily relationships?
Stepfamily Trap: The Danger of Denying Our Feelings
"I thought I would naturally love my stepchildren as my own but the feelings are not there," my friend, stepmother of two said. "I tried to deny my feelings for a long time, but I'm finally accepting them for what they are."
You can't control your feelings and if you allow yourself to feel guilty for feeling a certain way, it creates more bad feelings. It's okay if you don't feel love toward your stepchildren all the time. You might develop more loving feelings as your relationship develops, but you might not.
If we're really honest, we must admit that some stepchildren are easier to love than others. In her book, Stepmonster, Dr. Wednesday Martin paints a painful, but realistic, picture of how stepchildren behave. "Our stepchildren do, in fact, frequently try to exclude us. They do things -- consciously or unconsciously -- that make us feel overlooked, left out, unappreciated. They send subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle signals that they wish we simply didn't exist, that they'd like to erase us from the picture, or from the message on the answering machine."
Dr. Martin goes on to tell a story "of a woman who was not invited to her stepdaughter's wedding, after nearly two decades of marriage to the young woman's father, 'because it will be too difficult for Mom.' Her husband told his daughter that they would attend together or not at all, but the stepmother never really recovered from her hurt and, not surprisingly, ceased making efforts with her stepdaughter for a long time."
Hopefully, your stepchildren have not been that cruel to you. But, if you've been a stepparent long, I would venture to guess you've been hurt more than once by your stepchild. That doesn't make it okay to stoop to his/her level and react with tit for tat behavior, but it is okay to acknowledge how those actions affect your feelings.
I learned early in our marriage that I would need God's help to love my stepchildren unconditionally. It's not easy and I don't get it right all the time, but as I pray for God to soften my heart toward my stepchildren, I'm able to offer them my love and forgiveness. In our early years of marriage there were days that I felt my stepchildren didn't deserve another chance, but then I was reminded that I don't deserve the love and grace God offers me either.
Feelings are not facts. They will change as your relationships develop. It's okay to admit to feelings of hurt, anger, and disappointment in your stepparenting role. Just don't get stuck there. Work through your feelings with a friend, a minister, or your spouse. Or seek professional counseling if you need help identifying your feelings and coping with them.
We can't allow our feelings to control us. But we can seek to uncover their roots and deal with them appropriately.
What feelings are you burying, in hopes they will simply go away?
Making Your Remarriage Work: Separate Marital and Parenting Issues
"I refuse to get on that bandwagon and stay consumed with his problems. It's a tough situation but I don't want it to ruin every aspect of our lives."
I recently spoke with a new stepmom who is dealing with some tough issues with her 16-year-old stepson. She recognizes the critical place her stepson is in but refuses to allow the strain of his problems to interfere with her marriage to his dad. I told her I was proud to see her separate the difficult parenting issue from the new marriage she and her new husband are building. It's not an easy thing to do.
When we're raising children in a blended family, we often get consumed with the negative issues surrounding the kids and allow it to interfere with our remarriage. It's crucial for us to be aware of how an unfavorable stepchild situation can bleed over into resentment toward our spouse. If we see that happening, we need to make a conscious choice to separate the parenting issue from our marriage, and talk with our spouse about our feelings.
When I blamed my husband for difficulties with his children in the early years of our remarriage, he would tell me, "I'm your friend in this marriage, not your enemy. We can work this out together. But we have to be on the same side and I don't sense you're on my side."
He was right. I was allowing my stepparenting struggles to interfere with my feelings toward him and create a strain in our relationship. I'm thankful he didn't allow me to stay stuck in those feelings.
There will naturally be some overlap between our stepparenting role and our remarriage. But when we let negative feelings toward our stepchildren interefere with our feelings toward our spouse, we need to evaluate the situation and separate the stepparenting struggle from the marriage relationship.
Do you have difficulty separating marital and parenting issues? Does it affect your marriage relationship?
If you struggle with feelings of doubt, resentment or insecurity in your stepparenting role, this video will be a blessing to you. It's a powerful reminder of why we make unending sacrifices for our stepchildren every day.
I first saw this video on Meg Miller's blog a few weeks ago. It spoke to me powerfully. I don't usually watch videos that people recommend, but I believe this one is worth your time.
Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think.
