If It's Not Working, Do Something Different

Have you ever become so stuck in your way of doing things that you can't realize there's a better way? Do you insist on doing things the way they've always been done?

Could it be time for a change at your house?

From our Thriving at the Holidays:A Stepparent's Guide to Success e-book:

"From my early years, I had wonderful childhood memories of my parents and three sisters picking out a tree together and decorating it while engaged in lively conversation, enjoying Christmas music in the background. I was determined to carry out that blissful tradition with our blended family. But I soon discovered ... that wasn't possible.

Every year, my husband and I would gather our four children together and hit the streets for the best looking tree we could find within our budget. But every year we ended the evening with grumpy kids who were fighting over what tree looked the best. And we noticed the kids were competing with each other over what sized tree they had at their other parent's home, creating further tension and division among themselves.

So, after several years, my husband and I finally decided to forego the stress-filled tree-shopping excursion and buy an artificial tree.

It was sad for me at first to admit that our family couldn't enjoy the same blissful tree-shopping experience my family of origin had. I wanted our family traditions to be a way of uniting our family, though, and I knew this tradition wasn't working for us. I soon discovered that the new tradition of retrieving the artificial tree from the attic, putting its branches in place, carefully arranging each string of lights and actually enjoying our time together was worth the change."

What about your traditions? Are they working for you or do you need to consider a change?

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Thankful - In Good Times and Bad

"I have a lesion on my kidney. The doctors are running more tests today. Please pray for me."

"My friend's 2-year-old daughter has just been diagonsed with a malignant brain tumor. Please pray for them."

These are words I've heard this week from friends. Difficult circumstances. Uncertain times. Anxious moments.

How do we continue to be thankful during hard times? I must admit there have been times this past year that I haven't felt thankful.

I wasn't thankful when my husband lost his job. I wasn't thankful when I learned we had to re-locate for a new job. (although I was thankful for the job!). And I have struggled to be thankful in a new town when three of our children now live four hours away.

But God tells us to be thankful in all things. "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess 5:16-18

Did you notice the Scripture says to pray continually before we can give thanks? I think that's the key - stay in an attitude of prayer.

A devotional I read this week by Dr. Fred Lowery said, "The Bible says, 'Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with an attitude of thanksgiving.' Only when you've spent time in God's presence and drawn strength from him, will you be equal to the challenges you face on any given day."

Only when we've allowed God to penetrate our heart and our mind can we be thankful when our circumstances don't appear worthy of thanksgiving.

So, what are you thankful for today? I'm thankful for a new writing opportunity God gave me that resulted in my first e-book! The e-book, Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success," is currently available on Amazon and will be available on Apple and Barnes and Nobles shortly.

I hope you'll check it out and tell me what you think.

Are you feeling thankful today? Will you share with us what you're thankful for? 

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How Do You Cope When Your Season of Life Takes an Abrupt Turn?

I knew our move out of state would be a difficult change for me. But I didn't recognize the change of season I would experience at the same time.

I had a comfortable life in Conway, Arkansas. I was actively involved in the community as a fellow parent, school volunteer, local magazine writer, piano instructor, and active church member.

I spent most of my time involved with our children's activities and community events. But when we moved, everything changed.

It changed because my season changed. We had two children already in college who were living away from home, but it was easy to connect with them on week-ends or evenings.

Our fourth oldest child graduated from high school last Spring and made plans to begin college in the Fall. And like her brother and sister, she began her college education in Conway.

So, we moved to Shreveport, Louisiana with one child. Our 10-year-old, Nathan, is the only child we have left at home. It creates a lump in my throat as I realize we have begun the descent to empty nest.

How did this happen? How did we go from four children at home, frequent teen-age struggles, frustrating stepchild rebellion, and unexpected late-night crises to a quiet, easy-going environment with a compliant elementary child who rarely ripples the water? 

How did our home move from one that had constant activity with countless children coming and going to a home controlled by the activity of one? 

Suddenly, I recognize the brevity of our child-rearing season of life.

I know it feels like your stepchildren will never leave home and you will always be in an unending struggle with them -- but it really does change.

I know it's hard to recognize that someday you won't need to have frequent conversations with your difficult ex-spouse about the children's visitation schedule -- but it really does change.

I know it seems like you will never get the laundry finished, house cleaned, and meals cooked on time because there are simply not enough hours in the day -- but it really does change.

And when your season of life takes an abrupt turn, how do you cope?

Lean into your faith, and rely on those you love.

Seek help from someone else who has gone through it. Because at some point, we all experience new seasons of life. 

But in our new season, we can find meaning with purposeful involvement in other's lives around us. We can leave behind the struggles of our stepparenting years and move forward with a renewed faith in maturing relationships with our stepchildren.

So, if you're in a child-rearing season with difficult stepchildren that seems to have no end, be encouraged. It will not last forever.

But in the midst of it, nurture the relationship with your spouse. Because when the children leave home, and your season of life takes an abrupt turn, your spouse will be there to pick up the pieces with you. 

"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1)


Where are you in the seasons of life? Will you share your experience in the comments below?

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Back to School Routines and Your Stepfamily- Peaceful or Chaotic?

As another school year gets underway, many stepfamilies are adjusting to new routines. Stepchildren may be adjusting to different expectations at Mom and Dad's house with homework and after-school activities. Stepparents may be forced to alter everyday patterns to accomodate bus schedules or after-school pickup.

The changing routines can wreak havoc on a stepfamily already struggling with fragile egos and tense emotions.

For stepparents, navigating a successful path through the back to school maze takes a calm spirit and flexible attitude. 

 I recall stressful mornings of years' past as I struggled to get out the door to my full-time job while making sure our four children had breakfast, a packed lunch, school papers signed, an after-school pickup plan, and were headed to the bus by 7:30. I recall telling a counselor during our early years of marriage, "School mornings are too stressful and I'm not sure how to change it."     

Oftentimes, the only thing we can change to make stepfamily living less stressful is ourselves. I couldn't change the crazy schedule we lived for several years with kids navigating between households, stressful jobs, and defiant attitudes. But I could change how I reacted to the stress of the situation.

When I made an intentional effort to stay calm during the heat of a battle with one of my stepchildren, I made strides toward a positive outcome while resolving the conflict. When I chose to stay flexible through an ever-changing back and forth routine with my stepchildren, I was better able to meet the demands required of me with those routines.

I'm not saying it was easy. I like routine and I want the routine to stay the same every day. But that's simply not possible in stepfamilies.

I like an orderly home with school papers put in place, and homework assignments completed on time. But  I learned to adjust to the erratic ways of teen-agers who seem to work best with papers scattered all around while completing a project, or head-banging music that  helps them think while they finish their paper at midnight (which was always restricted to their bedroom!)

Back to school routines create yet another stressful period as stepfamilies make adjustments to accommodate one another. But with a flexible attitude and a calm spirit, we can help our stepchildren adjust to their new routines and thrive in their new school surroundings, creating an environment in our home that benefits each one of us.  

How is your back to school routine going? Does it need a dose of flexibility or an extra effort toward a calm spirit?

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When Stepparenting Feels Too Hard - Four Ways to Overcome Discouragement

Do you have days when you want to call it quits on your stepparenting efforts? Days when it seems that no matter how hard you try, the results are not what you want?


I had one of those days recently. The challenges were not all related to stepparenting, but some were, and by the end of the day, I was not in a good place emotionally or spiritually. So, I began to consider what to do to change my negative thinking pattern. Here are some ideas that surfaced:

1. Remember that "this too will pass." Circumstances change, relationships change, and living arrangements change. If you're having a bad day with a stepchild, remember, he/she will eventually grow up and leave home. We had four children living at home 15 months ago and we now have one. Change is one thing we can count on, but it often brings positive results.

2.Work through difficult feelings with a friend. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with another person and consider your part in the situation. Find support through a prayer group or Bible study. But, if you cannot get past feelings of anger, rejection,or self-pity, you may need to consider stepfamily coaching  or other professional help.

3. Make an intentional effort to stay positive.  In his book, The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale says, "Take charge of your thoughts. You can do what you will with them." We can choose to think positively about our stepchild who is pushing our buttons and constructively work through conflict, or we can ruminate negatively about his/her shortcomings and create a tension-filled home. Our behavior is the result of our thoughts.

4. Find hope in the Lord. Look to the one true Source for help. Hope in the Lord brings strength, perseverance, and encouragement. Psalms 62:5-8 says, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge."

Have you had a difficult day recently on your stepparenting journey? Can you offer other suggestions?

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Saying Good-bye is Never Easy

We've sold our home in Conway (Praise the Lord) and recently put a contract on a home in Bossier City, Louisiana. We will be moving in just a few short weeks. And the good byes I find myself in the middle of are harder every day.

The church choir I've played piano for the last three years gave me a nice send-off tonight. I have some wonderful friends who I've cried with, laughed with, and sung with. It's hard to say good-bye to long-term friends as we move.

But it reminds me of good-byes that we sometimes have to deal with in stepfamilies. Good-byes that are not our choice but are driven by someone else's decisions.

In her book, The Stepfamily Survival Guide, Natalie Nichols Gillespie talks about some difficult good-byes her family has endured with her stepdaughter, Lorra. "Lorra has chosen as an adult not to continue her relationship with her father and me for now, and Adam and I have sobbed on many occasions over her decision. The family all know that I have had nightmares on multiple occasions that one of my stepdaughters is getting married and I am standing outside watching through the windows because I am not allowed inside the church!"

That's a difficult good-bye. But Natalie Gillespie can't change the decision her step-daughter has made. She can simply pray that she will have a change of heart someday.

Good-byes are never easy. But with God's sustaining strength, we can endure them.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil 4:13)

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When Do You Seek Custody of a Stepchild?

clker.com

I have a dear friend who had a gut feeling that her stepchild was being mistreated by his mother's boyfriend. Her stepson had made several comments about happenings at his mom's house that were concerning. So, she and her husband hired a private investigator to find out about the mom's boyfriend.

The results were alarming. The PI uncovered several assault charges, a DUI charge, and other charges that had been filed within the previous six-month period on the boyfriend. It was enough evidence that my friend and her husband chose to seek custody of the 10-year-old boy. I think it was a wise choice.

The court hearing resulted in temporary custody for the dad and stepmom for four months while all parties participate in counseling and after that point, it will be determined where they boy should reside long-term. Although my friend has a new baby and custody of her stepson will disrupt her entire household, she has chosen the high road of doing what's right for her stepson.

I applaud stepparents who selflessly choose to care for their stepchildren, even when it inconveniences their lives. As a stepparent, we might enter marriage with part-time custody of our stepchildren and prefer the arrangement remain that way. But stepfamily life tends to take twisted turns when we least expect them. 

Stepmothers, in particular, have a natural bent toward nurturing that allows us to recognize when things aren't quite right with our stepchildren. I believe it's our responsibility to act on those gut feelings and get to the bottom of what we're concerned about. Our stepchildren deserve to be raised in a stable, healthy home and if they are being mistreated or neglected in their custodial home, we must take action to change their environment.

When we marry our spouse and choose to take on the responsibilites of a stepparent, we say, "I do -- for better or for worse." There are many times on the stepparenting journey that the circumstances get worse before they get better.

Assuming custody of stepchildren who have previously lived in another home is never easy. But it's not right to allow our stepchildren to remain in a home that we know is not best for them. It may be that temporary custody is all that's needed to change the other home, but it won't happen until we step out with faith and courage.   

Are your stepchildren at risk in their custodial home? Is it time to do something different about custody arrangements?

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New Beginnings

I love the first day of a new month. I can look at what happened last month and celebrate the highs. I can also recount the lows and commit to a better month from the beginning.

For those of us living in the South, March marks the end of Winter and beginning of Spring. This morning my 10-year-old son rode his bike to school in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt. The promise of nicer weather lifts my spirits while I tackle the challenges of life.

As I recount the previous month, I focus on what I did right in my stepparenting relationships and what I need to do differently. I'm thankful as I reflect on an incident with my stepson that I handled better than usual.

This past Sunday, my stepson spent the afternoon with us. He was complaining to his Dad and me about several relationship issues he's struggling with. I quickly identified what I felt the problem was and wanted to blurt out his faults and how he's contributing to the issues. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and began to pray for my  husband as he counseled his son. I know that my husband has much more influence with him than I do. And although he might not make the same suggestions I would, he has a good understanding of his son and how to help him.

Stepparenting requires us to discern when to talk and when to keep our mouth shut. More often than not, we need to voice our opinion in a private discussion with our spouse, and let him/her address the issue with his/her child. The blood bond that the biological parent shares with his child allows him a greater chance of success in correcting behavior without alienating the child than the stepparent. 

It's also important to pray for our spouse, and pray specifically for wisdom, on the parenting journey. I love the reminder in James that says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him" (James 1:5).

I'm thankful today for a new month. I pray it offers you a new beginning in your challenges.

Do you need to focus on a n fresh start in your stepfamily relationships? 

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Making Your Remarriage Work: Embrace Flexibility

My husband and I returned from a five-day anniversary trip yesterday to learn some disturbing news. My stepson, a college student living on his own with a roommate, was robbed and held at gunpoint a few days ago at his apartment. In broad daylight, the door to his apartment was kicked open, and two men ransacked his place while threatening him with his life.

I'm thankful my stepson wasn't hurt and we believe God protected him. Feeling unsafe to stay there, we're now faced with a decision concerning where he will live. We offered him the chance to move back home, realizing it would be an adjustment for all of us. But we want him to heal from his traumatic experience and be able to move forward without fear.

Change is an inevitable part of life. Stepfamilies encounter more change, on average, than traditional families. As children move back and forth between homes, relationships with ex-spouses and extended family members change, and jobs change to accommodate family needs, transitions seem never-ending.

If we choose to embrace flexibility, our remarriage will fare better.  We may not like the changes that occur, but if we accept them and deal with them the best we can, we will find contentment. If we fight change, we become bitter and resentful with our circumstances.

We can also be assured there will be more change as years pass. Children/stepchildren grow up and leave home, demands of the family change, and new responsibilities surface as our own parents age and the parenting roles reverse. Embracing flexibility offers a healthy outlook for our remarriage as we cope with everyday change.

What change are you currently encountering? Can you embrace a flexible attitude?

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Struggling With Emotions

My first born child moved out today.

Jamie is a 20-year-old college student who has been attending college in the same town we live so it was convenient (and less expensive) for her to live at home. But today she moved into an apartment with a college girlfriend.

I think it is a healthy move but I was overcome with emotions as her bed was carried out of our house. I wasn't prepared for the tears that wouldn't stop rolling down my face as I watched my daughter pack her belongings from her room into her car. I suddenly began reflecting on 20 years of parenting my baby girl.

And then I began wondering why I wasn't as emotional when my stepson moved out a few months ago. He is also a 20-year-old college student who lived at home his first two years of college and moved out the first part of the summer. But his move didn't evoke the tears and emotions I felt today.

I have a good relationship with my stepson but it is not the same kind of relationship I have with my daughter. He has never called me Mom and has made it clear to me that he has another Mom who is very important to him. I have walked lightly in my relationship with him and have never felt the love from him I feel from my daughter.

So, why have I put so much pressure on myself for the last 15 years as his stepmom to believe I had to have the same feelings for him I have for my birth children? Why have I berated myself for not being the perfect stepmom?

I carried my birth children in my womb for 9 months, nursed them for a year, and performed the role of Mom for them that no one else has. My children only have one mother.

But my stepchildren have another mother whom they love dearly (and think of fondly since her unexpected passing). I don't want to compete with their feelings for her; but, I must admit that their relationship with her affects the kind of relationship they have with me.

I know I can make a difference and have meaningful relationships with my stepchildren when I offer them my love and affection. However, it may not replicate the love I carry for my birth children.

Stepparenting is a hard role. We make it even harder when we create expectations of ourselves we can never meet.

When a Stepchild Changes Residence

"I think I want to come live with you, Dad." The stepmom overheard the conversation between her husband and his son. "I want to spend more time with you and Mom said it's okay." Oh boy, thought the stepmom.

It's not uncommon for adolescents who have two biological parents actively involved in their lives, to consider moving in with their nonresidential parent, usually during their teenage years. It is estimated that approximately 20 percent of adolescents change homes during this critical period, either temporarily or long-term.

The move may be perceived as exciting for the nonresidential parent who has longed to have his child live with him. However, the stepparent may be rightfully nervous about the transition. Living with a stepchild is different than having one visit every other week-end.

It's important to address the fears surrounding the anticipated move. Consider the changes that will take place and how you will deal with them. Talk with your stepchild about the expectations and restrictions governing your home.

Find peace through the transition by relying on the Lord to relieve your fears and calm your anxious spirit. The Apostle Paul reminds us of His peace in Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We will only find peace when we turn our worries over to God and allow Him to be in control. His Word promises us He will walk through every challenge with us and strengthen us along the way.

Does your stepchild want to live with you? Are you relying on God's promises as you deal with the change?

Coping with Change

My stepson moved into an apartment with a college friend the first part of the summer. It is quieter than usual without his rambunctious personality at our house.

My youngest daughter starts her senior year of high school next month. Since she is our fourth child, we are well aware of the inevitable changes that will take place over the next year.

Stepfamilies experience more change, on average, than traditional families. Kids move back and forth, relationships with ex-spouses and other extended family members create change, and new relationships within stepfamilies bring about change. But change allows us to grow in our faith as we seek God's strength and direction during times of transition.

God asked Abraham to make a significant change at 75 years of age, leaving behind his comfortable surroundings and embarking on unfamiliar territory. Hebrews 11:8 says, "By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." Wow! What an awesome expression of faith by Abraham.
Although we may not be asked to make such a drastic change, we do often land in unfamiliar territory as stepparents and need to seek God's direction to guide us through unknown surroundings.

It's comforting to remember that, when our life is constantly changing, God is unchangeable. Hebrews 13:8 says, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." His faithful presence is our sustaining hope as we navigate the inevitable changes that come our way on our stepfamily journey.

Do you seek God's direction during times of change?

Summer Break Fast Approaching

With the end of school upon us, many stepfamilies face a new schedule for the summer. Stepkids may come visit for an extended period and our biological kids may leave for several weeks. So, how do we cope with the challenges summer brings?

For the next few posts, I want to offer some specific thoughts on how to manage the changes that go along with a different summer routine.

First, we must learn to embrace flexibility.
That is not easy for me because I like order and schedules and want to know exactly what to expect every day. But I can't expect that to happen at our house with a blended family of five children. So I've learned to make an intentional effort toward flexibility with our schedule and the expectations of our children.

During the summer months, every week is different at our house. During the early years of our marriage there was alot of back and forth with my stepchildren and my biological children. As the children have gotten older and circumstances changed, the schedule has become more constant. But the kids still float in and out of the house regularly due to mission trips, sports camps, and various other activities.

When kids are going back and forth between homes, there is usually more interaction with ex-spouses. So, our flexibility needs to include an open attitude toward more communication with our ex or our spouse's ex. If that relationship is strained, it is harder to negotiate the summer schedule. But it helps to be proactive. Get the summer calendar out and look at what dates you want to negotiate having the children with you. Or find a week you would like to spend with your spouse and negotiate time with the kids at the other home. Summer is a great time to enjoy some time alone with your mate if you can work the schedule accordingly.

We also need to be flexible toward the behavior of our stepchildren. There may be anger outbursts or periods of withdrawal as they adjust to a new routine in a different home. We need to recognize the changes they go through also when they move from home to home. Leaving friends behind or adjusting to different rules creates additional stress for them. We don't have to allow disrespect or unkindness, but we can be sympathetic toward their feelings.

Summer brings on new challenges for stepfamilies. I'll give additional thoughts on how to adjust to the changes next post. What suggestions do you have?