Creating Healthy Boundaries with your Ex-Spouse

In my post last week on boundaries, I said I would post about creating healthy boundaries with your ex-spouse. So I'm re-posting from a previous blog post that gives some examples of what healthy boundaries look like. These boundaries may not be applicable for you if the relationship with your ex is amicable. But for those dealing with a difficult ex-spouse, I hope these are helpful. Many of them apply to my own personal situation. (I'm using "he" for simplicity in each example).

1. Discuss only issues relating to the children with your ex-spouse. If he diverts the conversation to past events or other personal matters, steer it back toward matters of the children.

2. Use e-mail and texting if face to face discussions or personal phone calls are confrontational. Do not argue in front of the children.

3. Keep your meeting places public when possible. If you're swapping children from your home and expect conflict, don't allow your ex-spouse to come into your home.

4. Make sure your ex-spouse is clear on your expectations. Put it in writing and provide support for what you're asking, if needed. For example, when my stepson was younger, he suffered terribly with allergies. I took him for allergy testing and it was determined he was allergic to cigarette smoke but we knew my husband's ex-wife and her husband smoked around him constantly. We provided a prescription note from the doctor that requested there be no smoking around my stepson.

5. Don't allow verbal abuse of any kind - toward you or the children. If the conversation gets emotionally charged, tell your ex-spouse you will hang up unless the matter can be discussed calmly.

6. Separate issues of child support and visitation. If your ex-spouse is late or delinquent on child support, don't deny visitation. However, follow through with the court process regarding current payments.

7. Learn to recognize manipulative behavior and don't allow it to influence your relationship with your ex.

Boundaries can be set and then adjusted, as necessary, in your relationship  They give you the freedom to allow healthy interaction without fear of being taken advantange of or manipulated. But it is our responsibility to set boundaries that work for us without alienating our ex spouse in the process.

What boundaries do you set with your ex-spouse? Leave a comment if you're willing to share your success with others.


Related posts:

Setting Boundaries with an Ex-Spouse

Your Ex Spouse and Boundaries: Part Two

How to Co-Parent Successfully with your Ex 

Recognizing the Need for Boundaries with a Difficult Ex-Spouse

When I married my husband, Randy, I told him my ex-husband would not be a problem because he would eventually drop out of our lives. He had struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years and although he was a medical doctor, he was a most unstable person.

However, I was wrong.

Sixteen years later, Randy and I converse regularly about how to cope with the tension my ex-husband creates. His interaction with my daughters frequently results in confusion and anger for the girls. 

 I have spent hours on the phone with my ex-husband, trying to explain how his behavior alienates his children from him, creating a wall of divide that will probably never come down. 

Despite every effort to have a healthy relationship with him, I have concluded that we simply cannot maintain a mature, thriving relationship. And in order to protect myself from an emotional entanglement, it's necessary to  set appropriate boundaries regularly. 

Now I'm not suggesting this is the case with every ex-spouse. I know many divorced parents who maintain an amicable relationship and successfully co-parent their children together. I strongly encourage healthy interaction with your ex-spouse. But I know from experience, that isn't always possible.

So, how do you create healthy boundaries with a difficult ex-spouse? I'll tackle that in my next post but first, I want to explain what boundaries look like.

In their book, Boundaries (which I highly recommend), Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, define a boundary as, "a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsbile. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are  not." 

Here are some examples from the book:

"Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.

Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.

Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others."

Boundaries give us the freedom to create and maintain healthy relationships with others without losing ourselves in the process.

Christians are especially vulnerable to living without appropriate boundaries as we seek to demonstrate unselfish, unconditional love toward others. But Christ doesn't ask us to become doormats or spineless creatures in the process.

We are created to be in constant fellowship with Him, and that cannot occur if we're wallowing in self-pity or exploding in anger because of our lack of boundaries with those around us.

Does that make sense? Can you recognize the need for boundaries if you're dealing with a difficult ex-spouse?

Related Posts:

Your Ex-Spouse and Boundaries

Healthy Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse

Coping with Difficult People

Overcoming the Pain of Rejection

Tears began falling down my cheeks the moment the realtor left our house. I wasn't prepared for her insensitive comments about the home our family had enjoyed for eleven years. "It won't sell with wallpaper on the walls. I prefer only neutral colors in all rooms. Your family pictures must come down. The price will be discounted since the master bedroom is upstairs. The light fixtures are dated and must be changed out. You should consider moving your furniture around in some of these rooms."

Geeeez. I knew our home wasn't perfect but we shared a lot of love and laughter there, making it a special place for our family. Life with a bunch of kids didn't allow for the time, energy, and money necessary to keep a home perfectly updated. But we were happy in our family-oriented, slightly-dated home.

So why was my spirit deflated? Rejection. The feeling was all too familiar. I had felt it many times as a stepparent. And now I was feeling it from a realtor. All she could see were the negative aspects that would keep our home from selling. She didn't consider the sprawling front porch, the well-established neigborhood with beautiful trees, or the central location to anywhere in town. She rejected any notion of positive features of our home.

Have you felt that before as a stepparent? Your stepchildren don't recognize the meals you cook for them every night, the laundry that gets washed every week, or the endless carpool trips to school, ballgames, and friend's houses. Instead they focus on the evening you lost your temper after a long day at work, the extra kids that came when you married their dad, or the uncomforable feeling that's created when they begin to care about you like they do their biological parent. It's easier to reject you than deal with the inner turmoil of accepting you into their life.

So, how do we deal with rejection as a stepparent? How do I come to terms with the rejection I felt from the realtor? Here are a few things I've done to help cope:

1. Focus on what I can change, and let go of everything else. I can't change the fact that our master bedroom is upstairs, but I can hire someone to strip the wallpaper and put on a fresh coat of paint. As a stepparent, you can't change the circumstances if you brought children of your own into your marriage. But you can work hard to love your stepchildren with Christ's love and accept them for who they are.

2. Recognize that my identity lies in Christ, not in whether my stepchildren love and accept me or whether the realtor approves of my house. Affirm my positive qualities in the midst of criticism. "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ" (Eph 3:18).

3. Unite with my spouse to overcome feelings of rejection from my stepchildren or hurtful comments sent my way. Find solace in a loving, comforting relationship that can only be shared with a mate.

Other ideas? How do you cope with rejection?

Can you look past the pain of rejection and see the beautiful person God created in you?

Related Posts:

Learning to Cope with Rejection

The Sting of Angry Words

Grasping the Value of Boundaries as a Stepparent

As I was listening to my friend complain about the disrespectful behavior from her stepson, I couldn't help but think, "Why haven't you established some boundaries that would allow you to take care of yourself instead of putting up with his self-centered behavior?"

We can require respect from our stepchildren, even if they don't like us. Our actions or inactions teach others how to treat us. It helps to team up with our spouse and set some ground rules (i.e. yelling is not allowed, even when you're angry), and then follow through with consequences if they're not followed.

It isn't our role as stepparents to be walked on, taken advantage of, or neglected. We have needs and wants also, and it's okay to express our needs and learn how to take care of ourselves.

For example, I learned many years ago that I don't deal well with chaos. It makes me nervous to spend a lot of time in an environment that is loud or uncontrolled. Since my husband and I have five children, I can't completely avoid those situations.

However, I've learned that if I take a time-out for myself when we have large groups of kids at the house and let my husband be in charge for awhile, I can regroup and come back to the interaction refreshed. I want our kids to be comfortable having their friends over, so I've learned how to cope with my limitations.

I've also learned that I have less patience with my stepson and his ideas of post-college life than I do my stepdaughter's quest for mature decision-making about her future. So, I've learned that my husband can guide my stepson better without the judgment and lack of understanding I experience. It's more natural for me to spend my emotional energy influencing my stepdaughter regarding her long-term relationship or my biological girls with their current struggles.

As stepparents, we make constant sacrifices for our stepchildren and may see few rewards, particularly in the beginning. If we give up too much of ourselves in order to meet the constant needs of others, we will wind up frustrated or resentful. It's our responsibility as stepparents to determine what we must do to take care of ourselves adequately.

I like the way Sue Thoele discusses boundaries in The Courage to be a Stepmom:. "With practice and commitment, taking care of ourselves and setting self-nurturing limits can become second nature. Cultivating the ability to say "no" to unreasonable responsibilities and expectations makes it easier for us to say "yes" to love and laughter."

Do you need to practice saying "no" this week?

Related Posts:

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part One

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part Two

When Do You Seek Custody of a Stepchild?

clker.com

I have a dear friend who had a gut feeling that her stepchild was being mistreated by his mother's boyfriend. Her stepson had made several comments about happenings at his mom's house that were concerning. So, she and her husband hired a private investigator to find out about the mom's boyfriend.

The results were alarming. The PI uncovered several assault charges, a DUI charge, and other charges that had been filed within the previous six-month period on the boyfriend. It was enough evidence that my friend and her husband chose to seek custody of the 10-year-old boy. I think it was a wise choice.

The court hearing resulted in temporary custody for the dad and stepmom for four months while all parties participate in counseling and after that point, it will be determined where they boy should reside long-term. Although my friend has a new baby and custody of her stepson will disrupt her entire household, she has chosen the high road of doing what's right for her stepson.

I applaud stepparents who selflessly choose to care for their stepchildren, even when it inconveniences their lives. As a stepparent, we might enter marriage with part-time custody of our stepchildren and prefer the arrangement remain that way. But stepfamily life tends to take twisted turns when we least expect them. 

Stepmothers, in particular, have a natural bent toward nurturing that allows us to recognize when things aren't quite right with our stepchildren. I believe it's our responsibility to act on those gut feelings and get to the bottom of what we're concerned about. Our stepchildren deserve to be raised in a stable, healthy home and if they are being mistreated or neglected in their custodial home, we must take action to change their environment.

When we marry our spouse and choose to take on the responsibilites of a stepparent, we say, "I do -- for better or for worse." There are many times on the stepparenting journey that the circumstances get worse before they get better.

Assuming custody of stepchildren who have previously lived in another home is never easy. But it's not right to allow our stepchildren to remain in a home that we know is not best for them. It may be that temporary custody is all that's needed to change the other home, but it won't happen until we step out with faith and courage.   

Are your stepchildren at risk in their custodial home? Is it time to do something different about custody arrangements?

Related Posts:

When a Stepchild Changes Residence

Coping with Change

Expect the Unexpected on Your Stepparenting Journey

Coping with Difficult People

Angry. Humiliated. Disgruntled. I left our church choir rehearsal with a flood of emotions circulating through my mind. As a piano accompanist, I had been belittled in front of the choir. It wasn't the first time it had happened but I vowed it would be the last.

I knew it was time to confront the person in charge who touted his musical knowledge in a fashion that humiliated those who worked for him. A peacemaker by nature, I don't like conflict. But I've learned there are times we must confront those in our path who are mistreating us.

That doesn't mean we recreate the conflict or nitpick issues that should be overlooked. As a stepparent, we can recognize the losses our stepchildren carry, and allow grace for their troubled emotions. As my post, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff talks about, we want to pick our battles. But it's important to realize that even as Christians, we do not have to allow others to mistreat or take advantage of  us.

In their book, Peacemaking Women, Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler talk about the need to confront. "As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov 19:11), and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt 7:5). But if after we have confessed our own sins we cannot overlook the offense, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt 7:5).

I like the way these ladies describe our responsbility in the conflict - try to overlook and confess our own sin first if that's part of the conflict. Then, if we cannot overlook the offense, humbly confront. The Scripture they give offers additional understanding of the Biblical view on conflict. 

In my conflict mentioned above, the choir director and I reached an amicable agreement in how he would treat me at rehearsal. It took courage on my part to confront his actions, but the result was worth the effort.

I pray you're not dealing with difficult people today. But if you are, I encourage you to seek a Biblical solution to the conflict by overlooking the offense when you can, and confronting in love when you can't.

Are you allowing a difficult person to badger or bully you? 

Related Posts:

The Need for Boundaries as a Stepparent

Healthy Stepparenting: Take Care of Yourself Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

Making Time for What Matters

     Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” Francis Chan

     I’ve always admired Tony Dungy. As head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, he was the first African American coach to achieve a Super Bowl victory. The 2007 win put him in an elite echelon of only three individuals who have won the Super Bowl as a player and head coach.

     But those accomplishments aren’t what make Coach Dungy stand out from his peers. It’s his passionate desire to walk a path of significance characterized by uncommon attitudes, ambitions, and allegiances. He knows how to distinguish the important from the unimportant and fashion his time after what matters.

     In his book, Uncommon, Finding Your Path to Significance, Coach Dungy says, “We have all missed too many memories and moments in our lives because of poorly ordered priorities. But even so, it’s never too late to set things straight … Start here: ‘Seek first his kingdom.’ (Matthew 6:33). Take a few moments to be quiet and spend time with God. He will lessen your worries about tomorrow and release you from the breathless pace of the world’s urgent priorities.”

     Time spent on what matters most will look different to each of us. But if we aren’t intentional with our time, we find ourselves on the treadmill of busyness, focused on the urgency of the present, instead of the lasting permanence of significant moments.

     Stepparenting is a time-consuming endeavor if we take it seriously. But, I believe it's an important role and one worth making time for. Do you agree?

    How do you spend your time? Are you making time for what matters?

Related Posts:

Making Your Re-Marriage Work: Embrace Flexibility

Setting Boundaries as a Stepparent

Making Your Remarriage Work: Separate Marital and Parenting Issues

"I refuse to get on that bandwagon and stay consumed with his problems. It's a tough situation but I don't want it to ruin every aspect of our lives."

I recently spoke with a new stepmom who is dealing with some tough issues with her 16-year-old stepson. She recognizes the critical place her stepson is in but refuses to allow the strain of his problems to interfere with her marriage to his dad. I told her I was proud to see her separate the difficult parenting issue from the new marriage she and her new husband are building. It's not an easy thing to do.

When we're raising children in a blended family, we often get consumed with the negative issues surrounding the kids and allow it to interfere with our remarriage. It's crucial for us to be aware of how an unfavorable stepchild situation can bleed over into resentment toward our spouse. If we see that happening, we need to make a conscious choice to separate the parenting issue from our marriage, and talk with our spouse about our feelings.

When I blamed my husband for difficulties with his children in the early years of our remarriage, he would tell me, "I'm your friend in this marriage, not your enemy. We can work this out together. But we have to be on the same side and I don't sense you're on my side."

He was right. I was allowing my stepparenting struggles to interfere with my feelings toward him and create a strain in our relationship. I'm thankful he didn't allow me to stay stuck in those feelings.

There will naturally be some overlap between our stepparenting role and our remarriage. But when we let negative feelings toward our stepchildren interefere with our feelings toward our spouse, we need to evaluate the situation and separate the stepparenting struggle from the marriage relationship.

Do you have difficulty separating marital and parenting issues? Does it affect your marriage relationship?


Related posts:

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part One

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part Two

Nurture Your Marriage

Your Ex-Spouse and Boundaries: Part Two

I was raised in a conservative Christian home. I'm thankful for parents who taught me strong Biblical principles on how to live. I stand by those beliefs and raise my children on Biblical standards. However, we must consider whether "turning the other cheek" is the best action when we're confronted with dysfunctional situations, particularly if young children are at stake. Determining how to set and maintain healthy boundaries for me and my children has been an ongoing process.

During the separation period with my husband and shortly following my divorce, I attended Al-Anon meetings (support for families of alcoholics) regularly. I learned how to take care of myself and my two girls without sacrificing their relationship with their father. I set guidelines that I shared with my ex regarding my expectations when the girls were with him and consequences if his irresponsible behavior (drinking, unhealthy choices, etc.) showed up during visitation periods. I had no guarantee that he would follow my requests, but since they were in writing, I knew I could use them in a court of law if I needed to.

When my oldest daughter reported instances of her and her sister being left alone while in his care (at 3 and 5 years old), or told to walk to the store without him, I knew I couldn't trust his parental judgment. I pursued supervised visitation with him to protect my girls until they got older. Boundary setting with my ex-husband became a way of life for me.

When we learn to set healthy boundaries with our ex-spouse, we are less likely to have ongoing anger issues with him/her. If we don't allow him/her to violate our "property lines" (see earlier post on boundaries), we have the freedom to develop an amicable relationship with him/her.

Boundary setting should not be malicious or revengeful. It's not meant to alienate our ex-spouse, but rather  co-parent with him/her in a way that provides respect and stability for each party involved.

Every situation is different. If your ex-spouse is mentally and emotionally healthy, there may be little need for boundary setting. But if you're dealing with a dysfunctional relationship, learning how to set healthy boundaries and stick to them becomes mandatory.

"Today I have the courage and faith to be true to myself, whether or not others like or agree with me. Knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them."  Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in  Al-Anon

Do you need to consider healthy boundary-setting with your ex-spouse?

I'm working on an e-book for stepfamily holiday survival tips, including co-parenting suggestions. It will be available in November on my website. Sign up for my newsletter to stay informed.


Related Posts:

Setting Boundaries with An Ex-Spouse: Part One

Co-Parenting with Clear Vision

Setting Boundaries with an Ex-Spouse

Stepparenting issues can be overwhelming and unbearable. Then, you throw in problems with an ex-spouse, and the situation becomes toxic.

So, how do you maintain sanity when dealing with a difficult ex-spouse? The best way is to learn how to set appropriate boundaries and stick with them. 


I will be discussing boundaries and ex-spouses in the next few posts. But, the most important point I want to make today is to establish whose responsibility it is to set boundaries. That position lies with the person who was married to the difficult ex-spouse in the first place.

In their book, Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe boundaries: "They define what is me and what is not me. ... Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside."

If an ex-spouse is being difficult, we need to learn how  to keep him/her out of our property line. That doesn't mean we exclude him/her completely, but we learn to set limits on how often and to what degree he/she is allowed to interfere in our lives.

For instance, if an ex-spouse is repeatedly late when picking up the children for visitation, we establish a boundary and put a consequence on the behavior. We might say to our ex-spouse, "If you are more than 15 minutes late in picking up the children, you'll need to make different arrangements regarding visitation that day." Always have another plan to fall back on so you can follow through with your consequences.

It's not easy to set boundaries in the beginning and your ex-spouse won't like it, but it's necessary for the wellness of your current spouse and your stepfamily.

More on  boundaries and ex-spouses next time.

How do you manage boundaries with your ex?

Related Posts:
How to Co-Parent Successfully with your Ex

Co-Parenting Collisions 

Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex-Spouse 

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent - Part Two

I was raised in a conservative Christian home that didn't teach the importance of boundaries; thus the concept was hard for me to grasp. Taught to always look out for the best interests of others, I rarely considered my own needs.

When I entered my first marriage with someone who chose to go down the road of alcoholism, I naturally continued my pattern of taking care of his needs first with no regard for my own. Desperately trying to cope in that marriage, I finally learned to set boundaries that allowed me to take care of myself and my children, regardless of the choices my husband made.

Boundaries define who we are and where our property as a person begins and ends. A great resource, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to take Control of your Life, states that a boundary, "shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom."

So, how do we apply boundaries as a stepparent? Here are a few examples from my own life:

1) I do not take ownership of the choices my 20-year-old stepson makes. My responsibility is to continue to guide and nurture him the best way possible as his stepmother.

2) When my stepchildren's mother was still alive, I chose to stay out of their relationship with her. I was affected by the loyalty conflict the relationship caused them, but I couldn't change that. My part was to offer unconditional love and acceptance as often as I could.

3) During a hurtful period of adolescence with my stepson when angry words and bitter outbursts were constantly directed at me, I purposefully chose to divert my attention to my biological children, protecting my heart while dealing with my pain and resentment. When the difficult period passed and our relationship began to heal, I allowed my boundary to open up again, embracing a healthy relationship that can exist today because I gave myself the freedom to take care of my needs.

Boundary setting is not black and while, but requires wisdom and discernment on our part. There are many good books on boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, as the one mentioned above. Some of their other books include Boundaries in Marriage, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries with Teens.

I believe boundary setting is critical to healthy relationships. If you're looking for help understanding boundaries and how to integrate them in your stepfamily relationships, I encourage you pick up one of the books mentioned. It will make a positive difference in your relationships.

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent - Part One

Baseball season is in full swing and it isn't uncommon to find me at the ball field several nights a week. I enjoy watching my youngest son play ball (pictured) and wouldn't want it any other way. But it hasn't always been that way.

My stepson played baseball for years and my husband was usually coaching his team. So that meant I was sitting in the stands by myself or with my husband's ex-wife. Ugh. It was awkward and uncomfortable for me but I had convinced myself I had to be at every game my stepson played in. When my youngest son was born, I dragged him along too, struggling to keep him content while trying to focus on the game.

I think I would do it differently today. I would still be at most games but on the days I was physically or emotionally exhausted from other responsibilities, I would stay home. I would take time for myself, relaxing with a book or a hot bath. My stepson didn't expect me to be at every game - especially with a baby or toddler in tow. I put those demands on myself, thinking my husband expected that of me.

I didn't learn to set boundaries until well into my adult years. I wasted a lot of time doing what others expected of me, running around to every function I thought I needed to be at. I spent most days unhappy with my circumstances but afraid to do things differently.

When I leaned to set boundaries, I learned to do what was best for me. Setting boundaries doesn't mean we become selfish or unconcerned with other's needs. It means we take care of ourselves first, giving us the capability to then take care of others.

Boundaries are flexible, changeable and removable so we can adjust them according to our present situation. They aren't meant to keep others out but give us the right to determine how open or closed we will be at any given time.

As a stepparent, boundaries offer freedom to do what is right for us. If you're bitter or resentful with your schedule or responsibilities, it may be time to set some boundaries.

In Part Two, I will continue to discuss boundaries as a stepparent and a resource for boundary setting that helped me tremendously.

Sick of Stepparenting?

I'm recovering from a stomach virus today and I've noticed I need more rest and a break in my schedule to make it through the day. I skipped my 6 AM Thursday prayer group to catch an extra hour of sleep. I also changed my usual routine to allow more time at home for rest and self-care. My eating still consists of crackers and Gatorade but I'm cautiously adding a few more items to my diet.

If we take extra care of ourselves when we get physically sick, should we treat ourselves differently when we get emotionally sick of stepparenting? If you've been a stepparent long, you've probably had those days when you're sick of the stepparenting routine. You know the routine I'm referring to: mundane parenting tasks without regard as a parent, constant responsibility for your stepchildren with very few rights, and continuous energy toward doing the right thing with little or no appreciation.

If you're suffering from the "sick of stepparenting" routine, maybe you need extra time for self-care. Go for a walk. Have lunch with a friend. Schedule a massage. Plan a week-end away with your spouse. Take a break from your regular routine and do something nice for yourself.

Stepparenting can be a demanding role. As stepparents, we need to decide when it's time to take a break from the routine to refill our reservoir, enabling us to continue down the stepparenting journey again.

Do you need a break today? Do you need a week-end away from the routine? Take it! As a stepparent, you deserve it.

Healthy Stepparenting #8: Find Balance

Today I want to include an article I wrote a few years ago when I was struggling to find balance in my life. I was overwhelmed with my responsibilities as a wife, stepmom, graduate student, and pregnant mother. I sought to make changes to relieve my feelings that were paralyzing me from fulfilling my roles.

As a stepparent, it's easy to get covered up with too much to do and too many people to take care of. It's our responsibility to find direction and balance in our roles. I hope you find the article helpful and would love to hear how you find balance in your life.

Living Life with Balance

When our family moved to Conway, AR from Texas ten years ago, I wrestled with an imbalanced life for several months. With three children in tow, and pregnant with another, I felt emotionally and physically spent. Our children struggled to adjust to elementary school after leaving family and friends behind in another state. I was finishing a Master’s degree that required completing two classes at the University of Central Arkansas, while studying for comprehensive exams covering two years of course work.

My husband worked in Jacksonville, adjusting to a new job that included long hours and a lengthy commute. Balancing my responsibilities became a daily struggle. Although I couldn’t change the circumstances at the time, I knew I had to do something different.

Balance is defined as “stability of body or mind” and “harmony and proportion.” Balance creates an environment for better health and allows for higher productivity. Without it, we experience instability and dissatisfaction.

When looking at our roles, women often wear many hats: wife, stepmom, employee, chauffeur, nurse, home manager,counselor, school volunteer … just to name a few. It’s easy to become overwhelmed unless we find a healthy balance, mindful of our time and responsibilities.

When we strive for balance, it’s important to look at how we spend our time in relation to what is important to us. We can ask ourselves, “Am I devoting enough time to the activities I am most interested in or simply going along with what I think has to be done? Am I reacting to last minute demands or planning ahead?” It’s necessary to establish our priorities and set our goals accordingly.

Learning to say no is the easiest way to take control of our time.

There are a lot of wonderful organizations and activities we can be involved in, but if we are seeking a life of balance, we must choose to participate in those that are most important to us.

Healthy balance also includes proper diet and exercise, along with adequate sleep. A study on lifespan reports, “People who maintain normal weight live an extra 11 years. People who exercise regularly live an extra 2.4 years.” While these are general figures for a large group of people, they illustrate the significance of proper diet and exercise.

Proper diet includes consuming more high-fiber foods, increasing our intake of fruits and vegetables, cutting down on too much fat and sugar, and lowering our salt consumption. Choosing foods with low-calorie density can also help with weight control. Low-density foods have a high water content, allowing a larger portion size with fewer calories. Examples of low-density foods include low-fat dairy products, broth-based soups, beans, and fruits and vegetables.

Regular exercise also contributes to balance by regulating mood swings, increasing energy levels and aiding with a variety of health issues. Research has shown that exercise reduces stress and improves our thinking. Even a small amount of exercise goes a long way toward improving our health and helping us feel better.

Adequate sleep is a key to balance that is often overlooked. Good sleep habits result in clearer thinking and sharper judgment. And some good news recently published: a study in the American Journal of Epidemiology reports that women who get adequate sleep (seven or more hours per night) are less likely to gain weight than those who don’t. Lack of sleep appears to negatively affect the hormones that regulate our appetite. What better reason to get to bed on time?

Another factor to consider as we look toward balance is spirituality. Joining a Bible study or participating in a prayer group can bring us a deeper sense of wholeness and harmony, as we grow spiritually.

An interesting book written by Dr. Jeff Levin, God, Faith, and Health: Exploring the Spirituality-Healing Connection, describes the connection between faith and health. His research gives numerous examples of the positive effects of faith as relating to health and wellness. One reviewer of the book, Janet Quinn, Ph.D., R.N., states, “…Levin reminds us of what we can no longer afford to ignore: that our spiritual life matters mightily to our health and well-being at every level.”

Lastly, we need to remember the importance of leisure time as we strive for balance. Coffee with a girlfriend, date night with our husband, or reading a book in a secluded place (away from the computer, PDA, and pager) may be the perfect solution to a long day. Making time to do what we enjoy recharges our energy levels when we return to our daily commitments.

Life with balance allows us better health, greater happiness and more productive lives. We may always lead busy lives, but if we are intentional with our time and responsibilities, we can live a life with balance.

Healthy Stepparenting #3: Take Care of Yourself Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally

As we talk about how we adjust to our stepparenting role, I always think about taking care of ourselves. Stepparenting can be a demanding role with few rewards, especially in the beginning. If we take care of ourselves first, we will then have more energy to take care of others.


There are a lot of ways to take care of ourselves and different people have different needs. For our spiritual needs, it's helpful to be involved with a fellowship of believers where we can study the Bible together and fellowship with one another. We also need our own personal time of study and prayer to grow spiritually.

For our physical needs, it's important to set aside time to exercise regularly. I find I'm more consistent with exercise when I take part in activities I enjoy and have some accountability with others. My husband and I enjoy running with a group through our church, RockRunners. It allows fellowship with others while meeting our goals of exercising regularly.

Emotional needs need to be dealt with also. We often ignore these needs until we reach a crisis point and are not coping well. Recharging ourselves emotionally might include going to lunch with a friend or getting away for a few days with our spouse. As we reflect on the demands of our stepfamily and changes taking place, we are better able to address specific needs and how to meet them. When we're caught up in the middle of day-to-day challenges without a healthy escape every now and then, we end up overwhelmed and frustrated with each other.

Taking care of ourselves spiritually, physically and emotionally requires effort to identify our needs and find appropriate ways to meet them. But as we work toward that goal, we will then find we have more to offer in our marriage and parenting roles.

"I am the only one who can make my well-being my top priority. I owe it to myself to pay attention to the needs of my body, mind, and spirit."
Courage to Change by Al-Anon Family Groups

Setting Boundaries as a Stepparent

How do you cope when too many people ask too many things of you? It could mean it's time to set some boundaries for yourself.

Stepparents make endless sacrifices for their stepchildren and may see few rewards, especially in the beginning. If we give up too much of ourselves in order to meet the constant needs of others, we will wind up frustrated or resentful. It's our responsibility as stepparents to determine when we need a break and what that break needs to look like.

With three teen-agers and an eight-year-old at home right now, our house is constantly filled with activity which usually translates into noise. We have kids in and out, music playing, steady streams of talking and laughter (or arguing sometimes), TV shows, and computer games to name a few. Because I don't have a high tolerance for chaos, I am aware of my need to retreat to my room at times for peace and quiet. Other times, I may leave the house for a run to find some "alone time." I know I am better able to handle my responsibilities when I take care of myself.

I like the way Sue Thoele discusses boundaries in The Courage to be a Stepmom:. "With practice and commitment, taking care of ourselves and setting self-nurturing limits can become second nature. Cultivating the ability to say "no" to unreasonable responsibilities and expectations makes it easier for us to say "yes" to love and laughter."

It's also important to set boundaries regarding how we will allow ourselves to be treated. We can require respect from our stepchildren, even if they don't like us. Our actions or inactions teach others how to treat us. It helps to team up with our spouse and set some ground rules (i.e. yelling is not allowed, even when you're angry), and then follow through with consequences if they're not followed. It's good to remember that our stepchildren will be more likely to honor our boundaries and respect our needs if they sense an attitude of love from us.

If you're struggling with boundaries, a helpful book I recommend is by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend titled Boundaries, When to say Yes and When to say No to take Control of your Life. Healthy boundaries impact all areas of our life and are necessary as we recognize our limits and seek to maintain balance as a stepparent.