Holiday Mantra for Stepparents: Don't Take it Personally

As we head into the last week of the Christmas holiday, life gets dicey. Emotions are heightened as we try to find the perfect gift for our stepchild or negotiate that last-minute schedule change with our ex.

And if we, as stepparents, are carrying emotions too closely to our heart, we can easily take flippant comments and haphazard looks personally.

But that's a recipe for disaster.

When my stepdaughter was younger, I was overly sensitive to everything she said to me. One day we were talking about how she liked her mom to French-braid her hair and she said, “Why can’t you French-braid my hair? I think it’s weird that you don’t know how.”


Well, that was enough to hurt my feelings. I couldn’t recognize the fact that she wanted me to be more involved in her life and this was something we could do together. Instead, I took it as a personal attack.

The stepmom role is a complicated one but sometimes we make it harder because of our insecurities. We think we’ll never measure up to their biological mom and we compete with her and compare ourselves constantly, always coming up short.

If we learn to spend more time improving upon who we are already, we’ll be a better stepparent. And if our stepchild can’t accept us that way, that’s okay. God created each of us as a unique person.

We might be criticized for being someone different than our stepchild understands. Perhaps she can’t accept our short hair because her mom wears her hair long. Or maybe our stepchild doesn’t understand why we work from home when her mom leaves the house every day at 6:00 a.m. for a corporate job.

But, if we’re secure in who we are, it won’t bother us when our stepchild questions our choices. Our natural reaction becomes: I won’t take that comment personally or get defensive. I will accept her thoughts as her own, even if they’re different from mine.

Stepfamily authority Ron L. Deal says it best in his book, The Smart Stepfamily: “Stepparents cannot afford to be insecure. Stepfamilies were not made for the emotionally fragile.”

It’s easy to be overly sensitive to our stepchildren’s comments, particularly through the holidays. But as we become more confident and at peace with ourselves, we’re better equipped to foster a healthy stepparenting relationship, allowing critical or judgmental comments to slide right past us.

Will you adopt the holiday mantra: don't take it personally? How might that influence your step-relationships?

Related Posts:

Seven Tips for Finding Balance in the Midst of Holiday Chaos

What is our Role as a Stepparent?

Seven Tips for Finding Balance in the Midst of Holiday Chaos

Our family leaves on an extended holiday trip in just over 2 weeks and I keep wondering how I'm going to get everything done. So, here are a few tips I've created to help myself maintain balance during this busy time of year - I hope you find them helpful also.

1. Prioritze your schedule to include activities most important to you. Say no to everything else and to obligations someone else can manage.
For me, that includes attending my son's Christmas party at school, special church services, a holiday piano performance in our hometown, a few Christmas parties, and various other events. However, it doesn't include ladies bunko night, the symphony performance, or lunch with each of my girlfriends to exchange gifts - there simply isn't time for all that. 

2. Start each day with a spiritual act - prayer, devotional, Bible reading, listening to songs of praise, etc. to center your mind and soul for the day.
When we start our day with God in control, it allows for a God-centered day instead of a  man-centered one.  

3. Don't allow someone else power over your emotions (i.e. ex-spouses, children/stepchildren).
Commit to staying in control of your emotions instead of allowing someone else to take that power from you. Walk away from volatile emotions or heated conversations. Engage in communication via e-mail or texting if necessary.

4. Stay faithful to healthy eating patterns and a regular exercise routine.
Get up earlier than usual if you need to, but don't skimp on exercise and sensible eating. You will feel better and manage your demanding schedule more competently if you maintain healthy habits through the season.

5. Break down consuming tasks into chunk-size actions that can be completed a little at a time.
For instance, I easily become overwhelmed when I think about shopping for our five children in addition to parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. However, if  I choose one child to focus on until I'm finished and then move to the next child or a parent or whatever, the task seems less daunting.

6. Commit to making each day positive.
We have so much to be thankful for and if we choose to focus on the positives in our life, we will manage our schedule with greater ease. If we have a bump in the road one day, we can choose to pick ourselves up and keep moving forward instead of allowing negative thoughts to set in.

7. Read Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent's Guide to Success - Unwrapping the Gift of Peace (an easy-to-read e-book) to find additional tips on maintaing balance and creating a peaceful season.  

There they are - 7 tips for finding balance during holiday chaos.

Do you another tip to add? Would you please share it with us?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tip: Balancing Your Time as you Consider What's Important

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Live One Day at a Time

Celebrating Mother's Day as a Stepmom

With Mother's Day only a few days away, you may be thinking about how your stepchildren will handle the celebration. It tends to be an awkward holiday for many stepmothers, including myself at times. We don't know whether to expect anything from our stepchildren or let the biological mom get all the attention for the day.

Personally, I believe if we've played an active role as a stepmother, we deserve some recognition. But that doesn't mean we will get it from our stepchildren. We may need to ask our spouse (the father of those children) to honor and acknowledge us on Mother's Day for the difficult role we play.

Stepfamily authority Ron Deal includes a statement from a stepmom in his article, "I Dread Mother's Day." The stepmom says, "I get all the grief of parenting, but I don't get to enjoy the pleasures associated with being a mom." As a stepmom, I've had days I feel that way too. But thankfully, it's not every day.

I've learned to enjoy Mother's Day with no expectations from my stepchildren. If they offer me a gift or choose to honor me in some way, I'm thrilled. But if they don't, I know my husband appreciates what I do and lets me know that regularly. I also believe God put these children in my life to care and nurture and I want to be obedient to His calling.

In my next post I'll talk about a free e-book that will soon be available on my website in honor of stepmoms. I hope you'll check back to find out how to get your copy.

How does your family celebrate Mother's Day? Is is meaningful day or a difficult one?

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More Mother's Day Thoughts

Overcoming the Pain of Rejection

Grasping the Value of Boundaries as a Stepparent

As I was listening to my friend complain about the disrespectful behavior from her stepson, I couldn't help but think, "Why haven't you established some boundaries that would allow you to take care of yourself instead of putting up with his self-centered behavior?"

We can require respect from our stepchildren, even if they don't like us. Our actions or inactions teach others how to treat us. It helps to team up with our spouse and set some ground rules (i.e. yelling is not allowed, even when you're angry), and then follow through with consequences if they're not followed.

It isn't our role as stepparents to be walked on, taken advantage of, or neglected. We have needs and wants also, and it's okay to express our needs and learn how to take care of ourselves.

For example, I learned many years ago that I don't deal well with chaos. It makes me nervous to spend a lot of time in an environment that is loud or uncontrolled. Since my husband and I have five children, I can't completely avoid those situations.

However, I've learned that if I take a time-out for myself when we have large groups of kids at the house and let my husband be in charge for awhile, I can regroup and come back to the interaction refreshed. I want our kids to be comfortable having their friends over, so I've learned how to cope with my limitations.

I've also learned that I have less patience with my stepson and his ideas of post-college life than I do my stepdaughter's quest for mature decision-making about her future. So, I've learned that my husband can guide my stepson better without the judgment and lack of understanding I experience. It's more natural for me to spend my emotional energy influencing my stepdaughter regarding her long-term relationship or my biological girls with their current struggles.

As stepparents, we make constant sacrifices for our stepchildren and may see few rewards, particularly in the beginning. If we give up too much of ourselves in order to meet the constant needs of others, we will wind up frustrated or resentful. It's our responsibility as stepparents to determine what we must do to take care of ourselves adequately.

I like the way Sue Thoele discusses boundaries in The Courage to be a Stepmom:. "With practice and commitment, taking care of ourselves and setting self-nurturing limits can become second nature. Cultivating the ability to say "no" to unreasonable responsibilities and expectations makes it easier for us to say "yes" to love and laughter."

Do you need to practice saying "no" this week?

Related Posts:

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part One

The Power of Boundaries as a Stepparent: Part Two

Coping with Difficult People

Angry. Humiliated. Disgruntled. I left our church choir rehearsal with a flood of emotions circulating through my mind. As a piano accompanist, I had been belittled in front of the choir. It wasn't the first time it had happened but I vowed it would be the last.

I knew it was time to confront the person in charge who touted his musical knowledge in a fashion that humiliated those who worked for him. A peacemaker by nature, I don't like conflict. But I've learned there are times we must confront those in our path who are mistreating us.

That doesn't mean we recreate the conflict or nitpick issues that should be overlooked. As a stepparent, we can recognize the losses our stepchildren carry, and allow grace for their troubled emotions. As my post, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff talks about, we want to pick our battles. But it's important to realize that even as Christians, we do not have to allow others to mistreat or take advantage of  us.

In their book, Peacemaking Women, Tara Barthel and Judy Dabler talk about the need to confront. "As difficult as it is, sometimes we are called to go humbly to the people who have wronged us in order to help them to understand better how they have contributed to our conflicts. Of course, when appropriate, we should be quick to overlook (Prov 19:11), and we must always first confess our own sins (Matt 7:5). But if after we have confessed our own sins we cannot overlook the offense, we are called to help the person who has offended us by gently restoring her (Gal 6:1) and helping her remove the speck from her eye (Matt 7:5).

I like the way these ladies describe our responsbility in the conflict - try to overlook and confess our own sin first if that's part of the conflict. Then, if we cannot overlook the offense, humbly confront. The Scripture they give offers additional understanding of the Biblical view on conflict. 

In my conflict mentioned above, the choir director and I reached an amicable agreement in how he would treat me at rehearsal. It took courage on my part to confront his actions, but the result was worth the effort.

I pray you're not dealing with difficult people today. But if you are, I encourage you to seek a Biblical solution to the conflict by overlooking the offense when you can, and confronting in love when you can't.

Are you allowing a difficult person to badger or bully you? 

Related Posts:

The Need for Boundaries as a Stepparent

Healthy Stepparenting: Take Care of Yourself Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally

Overcoming Difficult Feelings as a Stepparent

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

What's stressing you today? Have the little things of life become big things because you're having trouble letting go? Is your stepchild relationship experiencing a small leak that's about to lead to a blowout?

How we react to what happens around us determines a hostile or peaceful outcome. If my stepson shoots a glaring look my way, I can choose to ignore it or I can let it ruin my day. If my stepdaughter challenges my thinking on something I believe in, I can spout off a defensive remark or I can stand firm in my position while shrugging my shoulders.

There are a multitude of things that happen every day in our stepfamily relationships that are not worth getting stressed about. When we identify which battles we want to fight, and leave the rest alone, we find more serentiy for our journey. 

My good friend and stepfamily authority, Ron L. Deal, says his whole perspective on life changed after he lost his son from a brief illness. He says he doesn't stress anymore about a spilled drink in the living room or whether every paper gets put in the recycling bin. Life is simply too short to spend our days bothered over trivial matters.

In his book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff, Dr. Richard Carlson says he plays a game with himself called the "time warp." He says, "I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp," all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, 'Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be? Will this matter a year from now?' Once in a great while it may be -- but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't."

So, next time your stepchild leaves his laundry in the washing machine and goes to school, leaving it for you to finish, remind yourself that it won't matter a year from now. That doesn't mean you don't address the issue when he comes in from school and seek to correct it from happening again, but it does mean you choose not to stew over it the rest of the day.

Are you sweating the small stuff in your stepfamily relationships?

Related Posts:

Let Go of the Guilt

Stepfamily Trap: The Danger of Denying our Feelings

Sick of Stepparenting?

Making Time for What Matters

     Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter.” Francis Chan

     I’ve always admired Tony Dungy. As head coach of the Indianapolis Colts, he was the first African American coach to achieve a Super Bowl victory. The 2007 win put him in an elite echelon of only three individuals who have won the Super Bowl as a player and head coach.

     But those accomplishments aren’t what make Coach Dungy stand out from his peers. It’s his passionate desire to walk a path of significance characterized by uncommon attitudes, ambitions, and allegiances. He knows how to distinguish the important from the unimportant and fashion his time after what matters.

     In his book, Uncommon, Finding Your Path to Significance, Coach Dungy says, “We have all missed too many memories and moments in our lives because of poorly ordered priorities. But even so, it’s never too late to set things straight … Start here: ‘Seek first his kingdom.’ (Matthew 6:33). Take a few moments to be quiet and spend time with God. He will lessen your worries about tomorrow and release you from the breathless pace of the world’s urgent priorities.”

     Time spent on what matters most will look different to each of us. But if we aren’t intentional with our time, we find ourselves on the treadmill of busyness, focused on the urgency of the present, instead of the lasting permanence of significant moments.

     Stepparenting is a time-consuming endeavor if we take it seriously. But, I believe it's an important role and one worth making time for. Do you agree?

    How do you spend your time? Are you making time for what matters?

Related Posts:

Making Your Re-Marriage Work: Embrace Flexibility

Setting Boundaries as a Stepparent

Let Go of the Guilt - Part Two

As a stepparent, do you carry around unnecessary guilt? Do you beat yourself up when you make a mistake or don't have a perfect day with your stepchild?

Guilt is a harmful emotion. It keeps us from enjoying present-day peace and sets us up for self-defeating behavior. Unless the guilt is justified from wrong behavior, it's time to let go of it.

I think that as stepparents we expect too much of ourselves and can never measure up. Then, we feel guilty because our expectation doesn't match reality.

My husband, Randy, and I are both stepparents in our family. I always compared my role as a stepparent to his two kids to his role as a stepparent to my two kids. But, everytime I contrasted the stepfamily relationships, I came up short. Randy's relationships with my children were stronger than my relationships with his. Following my comparison each time came guilt.

What I finally realized was there are completely different dynamics in the relationships. My two girls call my husband Dad and consider him their primary father figure. Their natural father has proved unstable and unpredictable during their years of growing up. Therefore, they've embraced Randy as their stepdad and have a healthy, loving relationship with him.

On the other hand, my stepchildren had an active mother in their lives until she passed away. I sensed that she competed with me in every way, discouraging any kind of relationship with her children.

My stepdaughter went to live with her mother as a young adolescent, creating less of an opportunity for me to bond with her. My stepson also lived with his mother for several years during the period of her terminal illness and death. Since her passing, it's easy to recognize the loyalty conflict he struggles with that prevents him from forming an intimate relationship with me.

So, I finally decided that if I was doing my best to demonstrate unconditional love and acceptance with my stepchildren and continuing to strive toward a healthy, growing relationship, I would not feel guilty over less-than-perfect bonds with them. I realized that my stepchildren and the dynamics in their "other home" also play a role in what kind of relationship I'm allowed to develop with them.

Stepfamily dynamics are different in every home. Some stepfamily relationships form very close bonds and some never get past an acquaintance stage. But if you're doing your part to develop healthy, loving relationships, regardless of what your relationships currently look like, let go of the guilt. It serves no constructive purpose.

What are you feeling guilty about that you need to let go of?

Related Posts:

Let Go of the Guilt - Part One

Take Care of Yourself Spiritually, Physically, and Emotionally

Setting Boundaries as a Stepparent

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Balancing Your Time as You Consider What's Important

My parents live out of state and visited for several days over the Thanksgiving holiday. We had a wonderful visit and I enjoyed our time together. But I was mindful of my tendency to focus on my to-do list during this busy season instead of simply relaxing and enjoying their company.

I don't want to regret the way I spent my time when my children are gone from home and my parents have passed away. I want my loved ones to know they are important to me. I demonstrate that when I make time for them.

It's easy to overload our schedule this time of year with shopping, Christmas parties, and other social events. But if we fail to leave time for our family, we neglect the most important item on our list.

Balancing our time includes saying no. We don't have to go to every Christmas luncheon we are invited to or volunteer at every function we hear about. But it's important to make time for our children's Christmas programs and recitals.

Finding balance during the holiday season for me also includes taking time for exercise and watching what I eat. During the Thansksgiving break, I noticed a sluggishness toward the end of the week. I'm certain it was a result of too much sugar and not enough exercise during the break. So, I re-committed to healthier eating and consistent exercise to give me the energy I need for the holiday season.

As we begin the busiest month of the year, it's a great time to evaluate our schedules and determine what's important to us. We are given once chance to live each day. I don't want to look back with regret. I want to look forward with anticipation. How about you?

Is your schedule overloaded? How will you find balance?

Related Posts:

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Live One Day at a Time

How Do You Find Balance?

Setting Goals and Your Stepfamily

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Be Flexible and Agreeable With Others, Whenever Possible

During the holiday season, it's natural to see and talk with outside family members more often. It's uncomfortable to see your ex-spouse or former in-laws if communication is strained. When possible, commit to do your part to be friendly and easy to get along with.

When deciding on the visitation schedule, be willing to make sacrifices to fit everyone's schedule. Offer alternatives for special dates and activities.

Recognize that Thanksgiving and Christmas can be celebrated on alternate days and still be a memorable day. We have exchanged Christmas gifts before and after December 25th many years to allow everyone to be together and still celebrated a special day.

Try to be fair to all parties involved. Separate old marital issues from parenting issues and examine your heart for resentment or bitterness that might be keeping you from friendly interaction.

 I wish I could say that I communicate easily with my ex-husband since it has been almost 20 years since our divorce, but that is not the case. I have to consciously work at being friendly and treating him fairly when I talk to him.

If conversations become difficult, shield the children from being involved. It is not always possible to have healthy interaction when the other party is volatile or overly sensitive, but the children should not be subjected to conflict with their other parent.

It may be necessary to resort to e-mail or texting to communicate. But we can do our part to try to be at peace with those we come in contact with and protect our children from being pulled between two people they love.

Holidays will be enjoyed more when our conversations are free of conflict. There may be bumps along the way, but it helps when we make a conscious effort to get along with those around us.
 
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)
 
 Will you make an extra effort to be agreeable with others through the holiday season?
 
Related Posts:
 
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
 
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Live One Day at a Time
 
Healthy Boundaries with Your Ex-Spouse

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Live One Day at a Time

"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength." Charles Spurgeon

When emotions are high during the holiday season, it's easy to worry about the upcoming visitation or encounter with difficult family members. But if we consider each day a gift that will not be experienced again, we will make each day count.

Living one day at a time as a stepparent means we wipe the slate clean every morning of previous hurts and offenses, starting new for the day with a positive attitude. We don't burden ourselves with concerns of tomorrow that may not happen anyway, but stay focused on what we can do today to positively impact those around us.

We can remind ourselves that God will never give us more than we can handle if we choose to meet only the responsibilities of today, not yesterday or tomorrow.

If past holidays have been difficult, we may project that the next one will be also. But we determine what kind of celebration we will have and whether we will allow others to interrupt our joy. We can learn from our past and do things differently, while choosing not to place blame or wallow in self-pity.

I love the quote, "Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you."

Determine to make every day of this holiday season a special one. Focus on what you can change and let go of what you can't. Begin today with a renewed commitment to live one day at a time.

"Therefore, do not wory about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)

Are you facing unusual challenges this season? Will you strive to live one day at a time as you meet those challenges?


Related Posts:

Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

Healthy Stepparenting: Take Care of Yourself Physically, Spiritually and Emotionally

Making Your Remarriage Work: Embrace Flexibility

My husband and I returned from a five-day anniversary trip yesterday to learn some disturbing news. My stepson, a college student living on his own with a roommate, was robbed and held at gunpoint a few days ago at his apartment. In broad daylight, the door to his apartment was kicked open, and two men ransacked his place while threatening him with his life.

I'm thankful my stepson wasn't hurt and we believe God protected him. Feeling unsafe to stay there, we're now faced with a decision concerning where he will live. We offered him the chance to move back home, realizing it would be an adjustment for all of us. But we want him to heal from his traumatic experience and be able to move forward without fear.

Change is an inevitable part of life. Stepfamilies encounter more change, on average, than traditional families. As children move back and forth between homes, relationships with ex-spouses and extended family members change, and jobs change to accommodate family needs, transitions seem never-ending.

If we choose to embrace flexibility, our remarriage will fare better.  We may not like the changes that occur, but if we accept them and deal with them the best we can, we will find contentment. If we fight change, we become bitter and resentful with our circumstances.

We can also be assured there will be more change as years pass. Children/stepchildren grow up and leave home, demands of the family change, and new responsibilities surface as our own parents age and the parenting roles reverse. Embracing flexibility offers a healthy outlook for our remarriage as we cope with everyday change.

What change are you currently encountering? Can you embrace a flexible attitude?

Related Posts:

Coping with Change

When a Stepchild Changes Residence

Nurture Your Marriage

Your Ex-Spouse and Boundaries: Part Two

I was raised in a conservative Christian home. I'm thankful for parents who taught me strong Biblical principles on how to live. I stand by those beliefs and raise my children on Biblical standards. However, we must consider whether "turning the other cheek" is the best action when we're confronted with dysfunctional situations, particularly if young children are at stake. Determining how to set and maintain healthy boundaries for me and my children has been an ongoing process.

During the separation period with my husband and shortly following my divorce, I attended Al-Anon meetings (support for families of alcoholics) regularly. I learned how to take care of myself and my two girls without sacrificing their relationship with their father. I set guidelines that I shared with my ex regarding my expectations when the girls were with him and consequences if his irresponsible behavior (drinking, unhealthy choices, etc.) showed up during visitation periods. I had no guarantee that he would follow my requests, but since they were in writing, I knew I could use them in a court of law if I needed to.

When my oldest daughter reported instances of her and her sister being left alone while in his care (at 3 and 5 years old), or told to walk to the store without him, I knew I couldn't trust his parental judgment. I pursued supervised visitation with him to protect my girls until they got older. Boundary setting with my ex-husband became a way of life for me.

When we learn to set healthy boundaries with our ex-spouse, we are less likely to have ongoing anger issues with him/her. If we don't allow him/her to violate our "property lines" (see earlier post on boundaries), we have the freedom to develop an amicable relationship with him/her.

Boundary setting should not be malicious or revengeful. It's not meant to alienate our ex-spouse, but rather  co-parent with him/her in a way that provides respect and stability for each party involved.

Every situation is different. If your ex-spouse is mentally and emotionally healthy, there may be little need for boundary setting. But if you're dealing with a dysfunctional relationship, learning how to set healthy boundaries and stick to them becomes mandatory.

"Today I have the courage and faith to be true to myself, whether or not others like or agree with me. Knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of myself by respecting them."  Courage to Change, One Day at a Time in  Al-Anon

Do you need to consider healthy boundary-setting with your ex-spouse?

I'm working on an e-book for stepfamily holiday survival tips, including co-parenting suggestions. It will be available in November on my website. Sign up for my newsletter to stay informed.


Related Posts:

Setting Boundaries with An Ex-Spouse: Part One

Co-Parenting with Clear Vision

Setting Boundaries with an Ex-Spouse

Stepparenting issues can be overwhelming and unbearable. Then, you throw in problems with an ex-spouse, and the situation becomes toxic.

So, how do you maintain sanity when dealing with a difficult ex-spouse? The best way is to learn how to set appropriate boundaries and stick with them. 


I will be discussing boundaries and ex-spouses in the next few posts. But, the most important point I want to make today is to establish whose responsibility it is to set boundaries. That position lies with the person who was married to the difficult ex-spouse in the first place.

In their book, Boundaries, When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend describe boundaries: "They define what is me and what is not me. ... Boundaries help us to distinguish our property so that we can take care of it. We need to keep things that will nurture us inside our fences and keep things that will harm us outside."

If an ex-spouse is being difficult, we need to learn how  to keep him/her out of our property line. That doesn't mean we exclude him/her completely, but we learn to set limits on how often and to what degree he/she is allowed to interfere in our lives.

For instance, if an ex-spouse is repeatedly late when picking up the children for visitation, we establish a boundary and put a consequence on the behavior. We might say to our ex-spouse, "If you are more than 15 minutes late in picking up the children, you'll need to make different arrangements regarding visitation that day." Always have another plan to fall back on so you can follow through with your consequences.

It's not easy to set boundaries in the beginning and your ex-spouse won't like it, but it's necessary for the wellness of your current spouse and your stepfamily.

More on  boundaries and ex-spouses next time.

How do you manage boundaries with your ex?

Related Posts:
How to Co-Parent Successfully with your Ex

Co-Parenting Collisions 

Co-Parenting with a Difficult Ex-Spouse 

Back to School Tips, Part Two - Evaluating our Schedule

With the beginning of a new school year always comes a busy schedule. I was thinking about how to change my dreaded outlook of the new school year by wondering what I could eliminate from our schedule. Since our youngest daughter is beginning her senior year of high school there are many things on the calendar already that I can't change.

I am a strong believer in evaluating our commitments regularly and considering if we need to change/add/delete any of them. For example, my husband was asked recently to consider another commitment at church  The program is a valuable ministry within our church. But when he asked my opinion of it, we began listing  his other commitments for the Fall. Adding one more thing to his agenda didn't seem like a good idea.

As we look at ways to help our stepchildren have a successful school year, we need to consider our schedules. Our family must be our primary ministry. There are a lot of wonderful activities to be involved in, but when we have children at home, they must be our first priority.

I am reminded of some wise words from Christian psychologist, Dr. James Dobson. "I wish parents wouldn't commit all of their energy to the business of living, holding nothing in reserve for the challenge of raising their kids. The routine stresses of raising an adolescent can be overwhelming. Someone within the family must reserve the time and energy to cope with parenting challenges."

Our role as stepparents is even more demanding, mentally and emotionally, than that of a biological parent,  If we give all of our energy to outside commitments and demanding careers, what do we draw from to deal with the inevitable crises and unexpected irritants that will surely come our way?

As a new school year begins, it's a perfect time to evaluate our schedule. If we're intentional with our  commitments, we'll have more time and energy for our stepparenting roles, allowing us the chance to help our stepchildren achieve greater success at school.

How to Stay Sane in this Heat!

I woke up early thinking about the many things to do since getting back from vacation. And then I remembered how hot the forecast was for the week: 103 degrees for the next several days with the heat index at 120.

Ugh! I'm not much of a hot weather person so the heat presents a challenge for me. And then you add to that a bunch of kids at home, bored from being inside but too hot to go outside. What's one to do?

I went through an exercise in my head of how to stay sane until school starts. Here are my thoughts:

1. Get up early to exercise so my mental state is good enough to deal with agitated kids.

2. Meditate on Scripture to find a calm place for the day.

3. Pray for peace and sweet attitudes for the kids and myself.

4. Invite friends to the house to keep the kids occupied.

5. Get out every board game we have.

6. Keep plenty of snacks around (comfort food - right?)

7. Threaten the kids with chores if they start fighting with each other (am I the only Mom who does this?)

8. Retreat to my room and close the door when all else fails....

Okay, I'm sure there's bound to be some other options.

Any suggestions on how to stay sane in this heat?

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Get Professional Help When You Need It

If you follow national news, you've probably seen the story of the stepfamily in Oregon that has been missing their seven-year-old son for more than three weeks.

The father of the boy has now filed for divorce from his wife, the stepmom, and it appears she may be a suspect in the case. The father has also removed the 18-month-old child they share together from the home, and filed for sole custody.

Overwhelmed stepparents face challenges every day that require more mental and emotional strength then they possess. Stepparenting is not an easy role. But there is help out there for those who want it.

My husband and I sought counseling within six months of our marriage. Blending four children proved more difficult then we imagined and we quickly realized we needed help. We worked with a wonderful counselor who understood stepfamily dynamics and guided us toward healthy development in our stepfamily roles. The counseling we received at that time probably saved our marriage.

In seeking a counselor, I strongly recommend you inquire about his/her training with stepfamilies. If counselors try to counsel stepfamilies the same way they counsel traditional families, it does not work! It's important to work with someone who understands stepfamily dynamics.

It also helps to ask others in your community about counselors they recommend. Unfortunately, there are too many incapable counselors who can do more harm than good. Finding a good counselor is worth the time and effort it takes.

If you recognize that your family needs help, don't wait to find it. There are precious children at stake who deserve the chance to be raised in a healthy home.

Do you need help coping with your stepfamily challenges?

When to Ask for Help

I spoke with two stepmoms this week who were covered up with too much to do and too little time to do it. With several kids at home, a full time job and constant household duties, it's easy to feel overwhelmed and underappreciated as a stepparent.

So, where do we find help? The first place to consider is our spouse and children. For some unknown reason, society has dictated that women are primarily responsible for the household chores. But if we're working full-time and trying to manage the household by ourselves, we will drown.

After staying home with our kids for many years, I returned to work a few years ago. I had been accustomed to doing most of the chores at home because I was home more than my husband. But suddenly, I found myself suffocating from too much to do. I was irritable with my kids and angry toward my husband. I expected him to figure out that I needed some help.

Finally one day, with tears spilling down my face, I admitted that I was tired of being Supermom and needed someone else to pick up the slack. We held a family meeting and talked about what needed to change. We split up the chores and asked everyone to do their part to keep the household running smoothly. It took several reminders to get it going but finally worked into an agreeable schedule.

As stepparents, we cannot afford to expend all our time and energy working inside and outside the home. When we reach the end of our rope, the relationship with our stepchildren suffers. I heard a comment from Ron Deal, founder of Successful Stepfamilies, that resonates with me, "Stepparents must shave off their rough edges. Kids will love an unlikeable parent, but rarely even like an unlikeable stepparent."

When I have too much to do, I become an unlikeable stepparent. I'm quick to snap at my stepkids and grunt at my husband. Therefore, I'm constantly aware of my need to discern what activities and extracurricular events I will be involved in. I know when to ask for help if I begin to feel overwhelmed.

How do you keep your household running smoothly? Do you need to ask for help?

Need Some Rest?

I finally went to the doctor yesterday to have my knee looked at since it refuses to get well. He gave me a steroid injection to help get the inflammation out so it can begin to heal.

He also told me to REST. The doctor is a personal friend of mine and knows that I use exercise for therapy (living with three teen-agers requires regular therapy!) He told me, "No running, no cycling, no weight training until the swelling is out." Ugh. Resting is hard for me.

We all need rest at times. Even Jesus took time to rest. Exodus 31:17 says, "...in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, and on the seventh day he abstained from work and rested." Before the feeding of the five thousand, there was so much hustle and bustle among the people that Jesus asked the disciples to, "Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." (Mark 6:31)

Resting is good for us. We may also need to seek solitude as we rest. When we get away by ourselves, it's easier to sort through the craziness that stepfamily life can bring and align our priorities to better cope. We can meditate on Scripture for strength and courage to persevere. And we can seek solutions to our challenges with a clear mind.

Where can you find rest today? Will you honor yourself by taking time for the rest you need?

Sick of Stepparenting?

I'm recovering from a stomach virus today and I've noticed I need more rest and a break in my schedule to make it through the day. I skipped my 6 AM Thursday prayer group to catch an extra hour of sleep. I also changed my usual routine to allow more time at home for rest and self-care. My eating still consists of crackers and Gatorade but I'm cautiously adding a few more items to my diet.

If we take extra care of ourselves when we get physically sick, should we treat ourselves differently when we get emotionally sick of stepparenting? If you've been a stepparent long, you've probably had those days when you're sick of the stepparenting routine. You know the routine I'm referring to: mundane parenting tasks without regard as a parent, constant responsibility for your stepchildren with very few rights, and continuous energy toward doing the right thing with little or no appreciation.

If you're suffering from the "sick of stepparenting" routine, maybe you need extra time for self-care. Go for a walk. Have lunch with a friend. Schedule a massage. Plan a week-end away with your spouse. Take a break from your regular routine and do something nice for yourself.

Stepparenting can be a demanding role. As stepparents, we need to decide when it's time to take a break from the routine to refill our reservoir, enabling us to continue down the stepparenting journey again.

Do you need a break today? Do you need a week-end away from the routine? Take it! As a stepparent, you deserve it.