Nuggets of Wisdom from Laura Petherbridge, co-author of "The Smart Stepmom"
I had the privilege of attending the first "stepmom retreat" this week-end in Dallas, hosted by http://www.blendedandbonded.com/ with Laura Petherbridge speaking. It was a wonderful time of connecting with stepmoms from around the country, meeting stepmom friends I talk with on Twitter and FB, and hearing some nuggets of wisdom from long-time stepmom Laura Petherbridge, co-author of The Smart Stepmom.
I want to share a few thoughts I came away with that spoke to my heart in hopes of encouraging you in your stepparenting role. Many I had heard before but they were good reminders for me.
1. God can teach me how to love kids who are hurting me. I ask Him to help me see them through His eyes and He does. "Chosen" love is still love. I can choose to love my stepchildren.
2. Children are fiercely loyal to a biological parent, even if the parent is unkind, abusive, detached, or emotionally unstable. The more dysfunctional the other biological parent is, the less likely the stepchild will bond with the stepparent. I can't control that.
3. All stepfamilies are formed due to loss. Re-marriage is viewed as another loss for children and the children are at least two years behind the parents in the grieving process. Give them time to heal.
4. Money is going to be tight. My husband is OBLIGATED by God to support his children (I Timothy 5:8). They didn't chose a stepmother or more siblings.
5. The children who do the best after divorce are those who maintain a healthy relationship with both parents. Stepchildren need alone time with their biological parent, without the stepparent.
6. God will reward your efforts. "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9
There is so much more I could share, but instead I encourage you to read Laura's book. She has walked the path and offers reality with encouragement through her writing.
Do you need encouragement today? What nugget of wisdom spoke to you?
Will You Commit to Unwavering Effort and Prayers on Your Stepfamily Journey?
"Observe the ant," the great oriental conquerorTamerlane told his friends. In relating a story from his early life, he said, "I once was forced to take shelter from my enemies in a dilapidated building,where I sat alone for many hours.
Wishing to divert my mind from my hopeless situation, I fixed my eyes on an ant carrying a kernel of corn larger than itself up a high wall. I counted its attempts to accomplish this feat. The corn fell sixty-nine times to the ground, but the insect persevered. The seventieth time it reached the top. The ant's accomplishment gave me courage for the moment, and I never forgot the lesson." (Quoted in Streams in the Desert devotional, from The King's Business.)
Tamerlane was a Central Asian conqueror and a brilliant military leader in the late 1300s who fought without wavering and gained control of a vast region including Iraq, Armenia, Mesopotamia, Georgia, Russia, and parts of India. He died on an expedition to conquer China.
So how do we relate Tamerlane to our stepfamily journey? Stepparenting requires unwavering effort. And we may not accomplish all that we desire in our lifetime. But that doesn't mean we quit.
We may not see the rewards that Tamerlane did either. We might see very few earthly rewards. But God recognizes our efforts and will reward us.
I've been praying for a precious two-year-old girl, Stella, who was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. Her parents lost her sister, Charlotte, a few years ago to a different illness and were devastated when yet another child was handed a dismal prognosis. Yet, despite the overwhelming odds, their prayers for their daughter's healing are unwavering.
As I read the mom's CaringBridge post this morning, her raw emotions tugged at my heart, but she doesn't stop asking for a miracle for her baby. Here is an excerpt:
"So it seems the cancer cells are putting pressure on the brain causing Stella to have seizures. They currently have her heavily sedated while they attempt to control the seizures. As far as I am concerned nothing revealed on the current MRI will change that this is a setback and we have to push on. Dr Saylors confirms this and we are not quitting hoping and praying that our final result will be the complete healing of our Stella Rose.
We are battered but not broken. So many parts of this are reminiscent of watching our Charlotte and I can say this is difficult for everyone who sees her. She is hooked up to a lot of tubes right now, had many fluids and is swollen because of this. ...
Pray for the seizures to get well controlled with medications, pray we get to start chemo as planned and pray we get our Stella back before the next step begins. As always ask God for a miracle."
Does your stepfamily need a miracle? Will you commit to unwavering effort and prayers on your stepfamily journey?
Lessons Learned about Stepparenting from Tim Tebow
If you're a football fan (or even if you're not), you've likely heard the ongoing publicity surrounding Tim Tebow. Tebow is currently the starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos and has made a name for himself with his unorthodox QB skill set and frequent display of religious devotion.
americanfreepress.net
He's a guy that's easy to like with his tenacious spirit and committed attitude toward living for the Lord. But in addition to being a good guy, his life demonstrates some takeaway thoughts related to stepparenting. Here's a few:
1. Prayer can turn bad into good. Tim Tebow's mother contracted amoebic dysentry while a missionary with her husband in the Phillipines, and was treated with strong antibiotics before realizing she was pregnant. Her doctors advised her to abort, assuring her the baby would be severely disabled due to the drugs.
She refused to abort because of her faith and, instead, prayed for a healthy son. Tim Tebow was born August 14, 1987, reportedly malnourished, but healthy. Nothing is too big for God.
2. There's more than one way to reach success. Tebow has been criticized for his awkward throwing motion, his inaccuracy in passing completions, and his unorthodox method of playing. But you can't deny his quarterback success as his team heads to the AFC Divisional Round this Saturday night.
In similar fashion, stepparenting success is reached in different ways. There's not only one way that works. Determine the techniques that will bond and strengthen relationships in your stepfamily and execute them.
3. Don't give up, regardless of what others are saying. If Tebow had listened to his critics at the beginning of the season, he would have never won a football game. Instead, he continued to believe in himself and work toward his goals, despite the opposition.
Stepfamilies are given a bad rap. Statistics tell us that 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages end in divorce. But those statistics don't have to apply to us. Believe in yourself and your ability for long-term success in your stepparenting relationships and don't look back. Refuse to quit even when it's hard.
Tim Tebow is not perfect but his example gives some thoughts to ponder as we relate it to stepparenting challenges.
I was talking to a stepmom this week who is recently divorced. She had two stepchildren and told of her struggle to be Super StepMom. But it didn't matter how hard she tried, it didn't change the difficult relationship with her stepchildren.
There are so many variables that influence what kind of relationship we have with our stepchildren. And many of those variables are beyond our control.
We can make every effort to be Stepmom of the Year but come to the end of the year with the same relationship we started at the beginning. But that doesn't mean we have to accept the blame for the rejection.
During my stepson's adolescent years, he found all kinds of reasons to dislike me. Some of them might have been legitimate, but most were unfounded. Regardless of how hard I tried to be a good stepmom to him, he rejected my efforts.
I have been married to my stepson's dad for 16 years and after many difficult years, my stepson and I now have a good relationship. It isn't because I became a different person toward him. It's because he has matured into a young man who, at 21 years old, recognizes and appreciates the role I've played in his life.
Did I want to quit being his stepmom during those adolescent years? Absolutely! Did I deserve the treatment I received? No! Am I thankful I didn't walk away? Yes!
Acting as a Super StepMom doesn't guarantee a good relationship with your stepchild, and usually results in unmet expectations. Consistent love over time, through the ups and downs of life, could be the difference. But regardless of your stepchild's behavior, the only way you fail in this role, is if you quit.
Do you need to give up the role of Super StepMom and the expectations that go with it?
Stinkin' Thinkin' Creates Bitter Quitters in Blended Families
Are you guilty of stinkin' thinkin' - do you know what it looks like?
Here are some examples:
- My stepchild will never like me so why do I bother trying to have a relationship with him/her?
- No one understands these feelings of rejection as a stepparent - I'm living on an island by myself.
- My husband has no idea how difficult this is - it's useless to talk to him about it.
- Re-marriage is just too hard - looks like I'm headed for divorce again.
Have you had those thoughts? Can you list others? It's easy to get tangled in a web of negative thinking about our blended family. But we can make a choice to think differently and have positive outcomes.
Well known poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A man is what he thinks about all day long." In other words, if we dwell on the negative parts of our life, every aspect of our being will reflect negativity.
But if we focus on the positive nuggets of our situation, we create positive surroundings for ourselves.
In his book, "The Power of Positive Thinking," Norman Vincent Peale supports this thinking when he states, "Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. Think positively, for example, and you set in motion positive forces which bring positive results to pass. ... On the contrary, think negative thoughts and you create around yourself an atmosphere propitious to the development of negative results."
Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. I love that!
Dr. Peale is suggesting that we influence our situation with our thinking. So, if we want our stepchildren to respond positively toward us, we need to create that scenario in our head. When we think positively toward them and expect positive behavior from them, they will begin to respond that way.
Our demeanor reflects what we are thinking. When we have negative thoughts circling through our mind, we give off negative vibes toward those around us. Our stepchildren can feel our negativity and will react accordingly.
I've seen this happen with my own stepchildren. If I choose to dwell on negative thoughts toward them, I respond to them with an insensitive spirit and critical remarks. Even if I don't say anything, my nonverbal language speaks volumes. They can sense my negativity and respond in anger or frustration.
On the other hand, if I choose to think positively toward them and my verbal and nonverbal language reflects a like demeanor, they feel loved and accepted. It's easy for them to respond favorably toward a loving spirit.
Are you up for a challenge? Think only positive thoughts about your stepchildren and re-marriage today. If something negative creeps into your mind, turn it around and find a positive twist. See if it makes a difference. Leave a comment and let me know the results.
Will you make an intentional effort to focus on positive thinking with your stepchildren and re-marriage?
My stepson came by over the week-end to help with the yard and clean the gutters for me. Since my husband is now working out of state, he asked his son to help with stuff around the house that he normally does.
It was a blessing to have him here and offer a helping hand.
But my stepson and I don't see eye to eye on a lot of issues. At 21-years-old, he has his own opinions and many of them are different from mine.
He was heavily influenced during his critical adolescent years at his mom's house by a stepdad that walks a different path in life. My stepson experimented with drugs and had the freedom to make his own choices at an age when he didn't have the maturity to make wise ones.
I'm thankful today he's making better choices but it saddens me that he doesn't desire a spiritual walk. It's more convenient to live a life of selfish desires than surrender his life to the Lord Jesus, whom I love and serve.
But rather than force my spiritual beliefs down his throat, I simply love and accept him where he is today.
My prayer is that my stepson will someday embrace the spiritual journey that makes my life complete. But I can love him for who he is today, even if it's vastly different from me.
I can be thankful for the relationship we share, even if it's not perfect. I can appreciate his willingness to offer a helping hand when my husband isn't available.
What positive thought can you embrace about your stepchildren?
What's stressing you today? Have the little things of life become big things because you're having trouble letting go? Is your stepchild relationship experiencing a small leak that's about to lead to a blowout?
How we react to what happens around us determines a hostile or peaceful outcome. If my stepson shoots a glaring look my way, I can choose to ignore it or I can let it ruin my day. If my stepdaughter challenges my thinking on something I believe in, I can spout off a defensive remark or I can stand firm in my position while shrugging my shoulders.
There are a multitude of things that happen every day in our stepfamily relationships that are not worth getting stressed about. When we identify which battles we want to fight, and leave the rest alone, we find more serentiy for our journey.
My good friend and stepfamily authority, Ron L. Deal, says his whole perspective on life changed after he lost his son from a brief illness. He says he doesn't stress anymore about a spilled drink in the living room or whether every paper gets put in the recycling bin. Life is simply too short to spend our days bothered over trivial matters.
In his book, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all small stuff, Dr. Richard Carlson says he plays a game with himself called the "time warp." He says, "I made it up in response to my consistent, erroneous belief that what I was all worked up about was really important. To play "time warp," all you have to do is imagine that whatever circumstance you are dealing with isn't happening right now but a year from now. Then simply ask yourself, 'Is this situation really as important as I'm making it out to be? Will this matter a year from now?' Once in a great while it may be -- but a vast majority of the time, it simply isn't."
So, next time your stepchild leaves his laundry in the washing machine and goes to school, leaving it for you to finish, remind yourself that it won't matter a year from now. That doesn't mean you don't address the issue when he comes in from school and seek to correct it from happening again, but it does mean you choose not to stew over it the rest of the day.
Are you sweating the small stuff in your stepfamily relationships?
I worked for a dynamic leader in the corporate world years ago whose motto in business was, "Do the Right Thing." He grew his business by treating others with respect, making decisions with customers and vendors based on doing what was right.
That same motto can make a difference in stepfamilies. Doing the right thing may require sacrifices on our part and doesn't always come naturally, but it can positively affect those around us.
My girls' dad is coming to visit next week. His relationship with the girls is fragile due to his ongoing struggles with addiction. I have a difficult time being cordial when he's around. But I know that's the right thing to do.
Doing the right thing also means I get out of the way and let go of control in their relationships. My girls are young adults, mature enough to make wise choices. I want to rescue them from future heartache due to their dad's unpredictable behavior; instead, I will pray for healthy interaction and give them the freedom to determine what kind of relationship they want to have with him.
It's not always easy to do the right thing. It may require difficult choices. But it can make a positive difference in stepfamily relationships.
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Face Your Challenges: Lessons from Elizabeth Edwards
In the wake of Elizabeth Edward's death this week, I'm reminded of a resiliency few people possess. With unending optimism toward life's challenges, she faced her struggles head on, refusing to hide behind the curtain of her political husband.
Despite her public image as an attorney, best-selling author and health care activist, her most prized possesions were her children. Ms. Edwards leaves behind two young children: 12-year-old Emma Claire and 10-year-old Jack along with 28-year-old Cate. Her oldest son, Wade, was killed in an auto accident at 16 years of age.
I've watched Ms. Edwards in the public light and admired her gracious and dignified attitude toward life's challenges. She courageously grieved the loss of her oldest son after a sudden accident. She fought a valiant battle with breast cancer, remaining optimistic to the end that she would beat it.
She endured a public scandal for several years when it was revealed that her husband, John Edwards, had been unfaithful and fathered a child out of wedlock. Then, at the beginning of this year, she separated from John Edwards after 33 years of marriage and filed for divorce, choosing to live the end of her life alone with her children.
Her courage resonated in every interview and I admired her attitude toward hardship: "It's easy to get through the good days. What's most important is that when bad things happen, you have the strength to face it."
Life is hard. No one gets to escape difficult times. But it is our choice as to how we will respond when bad things happen.
Will you garner the strength you need to face your stepparenting challenges this holiday season?
The little things in life can make the most difference. My daughter helping me carry in groceries on a day I'm overwhelmed with chores. A stranger offering me thanks at church for playing the piano each week. My husband putting air in my tires when he notices the dashboard light.
Acts of kindness are simple reminders that show others we care about them. They may take a few moments of our day or an entire afternoon. But they speak volumes to the one on the receiving end.
My stepson is without a car for an indefinite period of time because of his recent car wreck. I knew he was concerned about getting back and forth to school and work from his apartment. So, I sent him a text message Monday morning offering to help with rides when I could.
He responded with an appreciative message back. It wasn't a big deal on my part but it communicated to him that I care and want to help him during this stressful period.
I wish I could say I'm always willing to help and come armed with a considerate attitude. But I'm not. I'm selfish with my time and like to consider my needs first. But I realize the value of a Christ-like attitude in doing for others, especially my children.
Stepparenting takes time and sacrifice. The needs of our stepchildren while they are in our home (whether part-time or full-time) last only a season. But the rewards of a willing heart toward unselfish acts of kindness can be seen for many years as a meaningful relationship ensues.
We may not receive the appreciation we deserve for serving our stepchildren. But we will be blessed in knowing we have done our part in offering Christ-like love and kindness.
"Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience..." (Colossians 3:12)
My husband learned some difficult news this week regarding his employment. As plant manager of a cabinet manufacturing company, the downfall of the housing industry has taken a toll on the company he works for. The news we've been dreading to hear from corporate was delivered on Monday.
My husband is an upbeat, positive person. But he's had moments of discouragement as we now face an uncertain future. I've committed to making it a priority to encourage him regularly in the weeks and months ahead.
If your spouse is a stepparent, he/she needs encouragement often. In an unappreciated role, surrounded by stepchildren who may show disregard and distaste for them, it's difficult to continue on the stepparenting journey. But with thoughtful words of, "I appreciate you" or "thank you for your willing heart," the stepparenting road seems more manageable.
In Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul, "50 Ways to Love Your Partner" (or encourage him/her), has some good ideas. Here are a few suggestions I liked:
- Compliment freely and often
- Appreciate--and celebrate--your differences
- Live each day as if it's your last
- Seek out beautiful sunsets together
- Apologize sincerely
- Let her cry in your arms
- Tell him you understand
- Respect each other
- Be your partner's biggest fan
- Do the other person's chores for a day
- Calm each others' fears
- Put your partner first in your prayers
"So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing." (I Thess. 5:11)
If you struggle with feelings of doubt, resentment or insecurity in your stepparenting role, this video will be a blessing to you. It's a powerful reminder of why we make unending sacrifices for our stepchildren every day.
I first saw this video on Meg Miller's blog a few weeks ago. It spoke to me powerfully. I don't usually watch videos that people recommend, but I believe this one is worth your time.
Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think.
I answered the phone and could hardly understand my stepdaughter because she was crying so hard. "I guess my brother hates me. He told me I've lost the privilege of being his big sister." "What do you mean?" I asked. "Where did that comment come from?"
Because both of my stepchildren are now living on their own, I don't usually get in the middle of their relationship. But lately I'd noticed they were drifting apart and not making much effort to stay in touch. I'd told both of them that relationships are two-sided and both parties are responsible for their part. I love the adult relationships I have with my siblings and want the same for my children.
My stepdaughter went on to tell me about the conversation. Her brother had exchanged hurtful words that she took personally. It was an ugly conversation that escalated to things that should have never been said.
I had a flash back to the conversation my stepson and I had a few days prior. He asked me if I knew what today was. "No," I said, "what is it?" "It's the day my mom died." "Oh, I'm sorry," I answered. "It's been six years now, hasn't it?" "Yeah, I guess that's right."
Compound that hurt with other stresses of life, and it's easy to see how angry words can fly. But it's still not right. Those words can never be taken back.
I wanted to hug my stepdaughter and tell her how much we love her. But, unfortunately, she lives over 300 miles away. She is trying hard to live a mature, Christian life and make it on her own. She had called her brother because she knew he was coming to visit and she wanted to see him. But all she got from him was defensiveness and anger.
As our stepchildren get older, we carry less influence with them. I'm thankful my stepdaughter called today and confided in me. But addressing it with my stepson will be difficult. Young adults want to believe they have all the answers and no longer need help from their parents.
I know God can heal their hurts, if they will let him. I will continue to HOPE (Having Optimistic Prayer Expectations).
"Only God can turn a MESS into a message, a TEST into a testimony, a TRIAL into a TRIumph, a VICTim into a VICTORY. God is Good...all the time."
Are you careful with your words? We can never take back what we say to our loved ones.
Back to School Tips, Part Three - Resolve Conflict as it Occurs
I was shocked to learn of a family today whose son has left for college and his mom hasn't spoken to him in several weeks. There was a conflict within the family while they were on vacation and the conflict was never resolved. So, now several members of the family are not speaking to each other.
That is tragic to me! How do you allow your son to leave for college and expect him to have a successful year when there is unresolved conflict and hard feelings with his family?
But, could it be that we do that in our own families and don't realize it? Is there unresolved conflict with an ex-spouse that impacts your stepchildren/children every day? Are the children in your home expected to go to school and function at 100% when they left a battlefield back home?
Our children are hugely impacted by what happens in our homes. If there is unresolved conflict, it will carry over into their lives and affect every aspect of their day. We owe it to our children/stepchildren to work through angry words and hurt feelings with direct communication.
As a new school year begins, it's a great time to evaluate how well we're doing with the parent in the other home. Are we doing our part to cooperate with them regarding a new school schedule, the kid's needs, and any issue that came up during the summer months? Do we need to offer an apology or show mercy toward them for unresolved conflict?
In his book, The Smart Stepfamily, Ron Deal offers advice on what happens when we refuse to work with an ex-spouse. "An old African proverb says, 'When two elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.' Biological parents who fight and refuse to cooperate are trampling on their most prized possession - their children. Elephants at war are totally unaware of what is happening to the grass, for they are far too consumed with the battle at hand. Little do they know how much damage is being done."
Our children need to be able to go to school and concentrate on their school work without worrying about conflict among relationships in their homes. We must do our part to resolve conflict as it occurs.
Are you using healthy communication to work through conflict?
My husband forwarded an e-mail to me with the following newspaper excerpt from an anonymous writer. The content is worth pondering as a parent/stepparent.
"The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, 'Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?'
I replied, 'I had a drug problem when I was young: I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults. I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity. I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields. I was drug to the homes of family, friends and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin, and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.'
I picked up a book last night that my husband is reading by Tony Dungy, Uncommon, Finding Your Path to Significance. I read a few sentences that immediately captured my attention, and left me thinking about the importance of character.
If you're not familiar with Tony Dungy, he was the first African American football coach to take a winning team to the Super Bowl when the Indianapolis Colts won it in 2007. He is only one of three men to win the Super Bowl as a player and head coach.
In the book, Tony Dungy talks about what character is. "Character begins with the little things in life. I must show that I can be trusted with each and every thing, no matter how trivial it may seem."
He goes on to discuss character on the football field, which can also be applied to our character as stepparents. "When it comes to character, the game of football can be a real test for our players. Will they decide to do the right thing, even when they know doing so will be difficult?"
"Character is tested, revealed, and further developed by the decisions we make in the most challenging times. We have to know what is right, and we have to choose to do it. That is how character is developed - by facing those decisions and choosing the right way over and over until it becomes second nature."
I think as stepparents, we usually know the right thing to do. We know how to treat our stepchildren and we know how to be a capable stepparent. The question becomes, "Will we do the right thing, even when it's difficult?" Will we choose "the right way over and over until it becomes second nature?"
