Affirming You in Your Role as a Childless Stepmom

I'm not a childless stepmom. But I have the utmost respect for those of you who are.

For many years, I didn't give much thought to what it would feel like to be a childless stepmom. But after talking to several of you and watching how you do life, I realize the ultimate sacrifice you make as a stepmom without children of your own.

We know that a stepmom doesn't get to experience the "firsts" of a biological mom. The first one to have a child with your husband. The first one to experience parenting with your spouse and your baby. The first one to make any kind of a decision regarding that child and a host of decisions later.

But a childless stepmom never gets to experience those events or realize the joy of having a biological child, even if it's from a previous relationship.

Many childless stepmoms I've spoken with are not childless by choice. Infertility plays a role all too often. And the roller coaster of trying to conceive takes a heavy toll every time.

If you're struggling with infertility or any kind of extended wait, you might find comfort from a devotion posted by Tracies Mills with Proverbs 31 Ministries, titled "Waiting for God's Best." It speaks of the 20 year wait Isaac endured before his wife, Rebekah, gave birth to their twins (Genesis 25:26). Waiting is hard. And waiting without answers can be unbearable.

A childless stepmom faces different challenges than a stepmom with her own children. She is misunderstood by the parenting community and perhaps not even accepted by other moms. She endures the same parenting challenges but receives little reward for her efforts.

So if you're a childless stepmom, I affirm you in your role. God bless you in your efforts to make a difference in your stepchildren's lives. And although others may not appreciate or recognize the important role you play, you can be assured that you, as a stepmom, have value.

Are you struggling in your role as a childless stepmom? Do you need to reach out to other stepmoms?  Will you share how you cope with the challenges you encounter?

Related Posts:

Stepparenting Heartache

Stepparenting Heartache, Part Two

Count Your Blessings

Saying Good-bye is Never Easy

We've sold our home in Conway (Praise the Lord) and recently put a contract on a home in Bossier City, Louisiana. We will be moving in just a few short weeks. And the good byes I find myself in the middle of are harder every day.

The church choir I've played piano for the last three years gave me a nice send-off tonight. I have some wonderful friends who I've cried with, laughed with, and sung with. It's hard to say good-bye to long-term friends as we move.

But it reminds me of good-byes that we sometimes have to deal with in stepfamilies. Good-byes that are not our choice but are driven by someone else's decisions.

In her book, The Stepfamily Survival Guide, Natalie Nichols Gillespie talks about some difficult good-byes her family has endured with her stepdaughter, Lorra. "Lorra has chosen as an adult not to continue her relationship with her father and me for now, and Adam and I have sobbed on many occasions over her decision. The family all know that I have had nightmares on multiple occasions that one of my stepdaughters is getting married and I am standing outside watching through the windows because I am not allowed inside the church!"

That's a difficult good-bye. But Natalie Gillespie can't change the decision her step-daughter has made. She can simply pray that she will have a change of heart someday.

Good-byes are never easy. But with God's sustaining strength, we can endure them.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." (Phil 4:13)

Related Posts:

Stepparenting Heartache

Stepparenting Heartache Part Two

There's Beauty after the Pain





Crocuses are in full bloom in the state of AR and it is a beautiful sight. Although the temperature is still cool outside, it's a great reminder that Spring is around the corner and the harsh days of winter will be behind us.

As I gazed at our crocuses with a heavy heart this week-end, I was reminded that there's beauty following the pain of my husband's job loss. I know there are better days ahead and that hope sustains me during our period of uncertainty.

I've also seen the beauty that follows the pain of stepfamily trials. As my youngest son turned ten years old this month, I was reminded of the challenges we faced with my stepson at this age. As he headed toward his adolescent years, my stepson became rebellious and aggressive toward me. I could do nothing right in his eyes and I was constantly criticized and berated.

My husband and I sought counseling with my stepson to determine the root of his anger but simply uncovered selfish and defiant behavior. He refused to acknowledge his part of the relationship and how he was contributing to the volatile situation. After two years of unresolved conflict, he looked for greener grass by moving to live with his mom in another state.

Unfortunately, his mom was diagnosed with colon cancer the year he moved there and she valiantly fought the disease a little more than a year before passing on. The loss contributed to my stepson's anger but through counseling with hospice services after his mom's death, he began to sort through some of his hurt and anger.

My stepson returned to live with us and complete his last three years of  high school. Our relationship was mended as he grew and matured, allowing me a place in his heart. He still struggles with loyalty feelings toward his mom that prevent him from completing embracing a relationship with me, but the rebellious, aggressive behavior is no longer part of our interaction.

It's easy to focus on the struggles in the midst of a trial and think they will never end, but just as we see the beauty of the crocus after a long, hard winter, we will also see the beauty of refreshment after hardship.  

Are you experiencing stepfamily heartache? Will you look toward the beauty that will follow the pain?

                                                                                                Photo by Jaqui Brooks

Related Posts:

Everything Happens for a Reason

Looking for Hope on Your Stepfamily Journey?

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Commit to the Long Run

  

The Valley of the Unknown

My husband's job ends next week. We moved to Conway, AR eleven years ago for my husband to assume the position of Director of Operations with a manufacturing company. His job has provided a comfortable living for us here as we've raised our children. But, unfortunately, the downfall of the housing industry has taken a huge toll on the company and Corporate has chosen to close its doors.

We are facing the valley of the unknown. It's a scary place. We have complete faith he will land another job but that job hasn't shown up yet. So, in the meantime, we wait.

The valley of the unknown appears more often than we like on this journey of life. It has reared its head in various ways on our stepparenting path. And each time, although it was difficult to deal with, we came out successfully on the other side.

Here a few of my thoughts on coping with the valley of the unknown:

Surrender to God's plan. Give up control of the situation and ask for God's guidance. Don't try to find the answers alone. God is seeking a relationship with us and will guide our steps if we ask Him.

Unite with your spouse. Be on the same page with your spouse through the difficulty. Communicate frequently and brainstorm together for solutions. Lean on one another on the hard days and seek to find laughter through the trial.

Wait. Many times, God calls us to simply wait. I strongly dislike this one, but have endured it frequently. A beautiful illustration of how God works through the wait can be found here: Wait Poem, by Russell Kelfer. 

Take the next step. As you sense answers to your dilemma, take a step of faith. Start with small steps as you overcome your fear of a new direction. Continue to seek God's plan and follow His lead.

Rejoice in new beginnings. Adopt an attitude of thankfulness as you move from the valley of the unknown to a heighth of unchartered territory. Embrace the change that accompanies a fresh start. Leave the past behind with any regrets of what could have been.

Press on. As Selah's powerful song says, "In Jesus' Name, we press on." View Selah's song.
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" (Phil. 4:13).

Are you in a valley of the unknown? Do you have other suggestions to offer?

Related Posts:

God's Timing is Different Than Ours

Let Go and Let God

Finding the Beauty of God's Grace in Your Stepfamily

Nathan, 2010

"Mom, I'm sorry my friend was talking like that in front of you," my nine year old son, Nathan, said as I put him to bed last night. He was referring to some crude language a neighbor was using while playing at our house. My son knew the comments were offensive to me.

I appreciated my son's sweet attitude toward my feelings. I was reminded of the blessing of his sensitive spirit because I haven't always experienced that with my other children. Nathan is the only child my husband and I have together, and I believe God gave me a caring, affectionate, I'm-gonna-take-care-of-my-momma boy to make up for some of the hurt and agony I've experienced with my stepchildren.

When I married my husband, my stepson was five. Because I had two girls, I didn't know much about raising a son but I dreamed of cheering him on at ballgames, hearing about his first girlfriend, and enjoying big hugs snuggled on the couch. Unfortunately, most of those dreams have not come true.

My stepson's mother was an active part of his life as a young boy and she didn't like me being involved. My authority was undermined and my behavior was criticized. It seemd as if I was on trial constantly regarding what I said or how I disciplined my stepchildren. If I made a wrong move, my husband would hear about it.

I didn't know how to stop feeling like I was competing with my stepson's mother in every arena. When I attended ballgames, all I heard was, "Way to go son. Stike him out son. Hit it over the fence son." My insecurity in my stepmother role kept me from actively participating at ballgames or school events when his mom was there.

The loyalty my stepson showed toward his mother was obvious. I was kept at arm's length because it was too complicated to show love toward his stepmother.The risk of hurting his mom's feelings was too great.

I learned to live with little expectation in my relationship with my stepson. It wasn't the way I wanted it, but it became a survival technique for me. As he grew older, the relationship showed signs of developing, but when his mom died unexpectedly when he was 15 years old, the loyalty issues returned, preventing him from moving forward in a relationship with me.

God has seen every struggle with my stepson. He knows my heart and acknowledges my hurt from years' past. When I was expecting our youngest child, I wanted another girl. I had been through so much pain with my stepson that I couldn't imagine starting over with another boy.

But God knew what I needed. He has used our sweet son, Nathan, to heal my hurts and bandage my wounds. Through His grace, He gave me a gift I can't replace. Nathan is affectionate and loving toward me every day. He is not a perfect child but he shows me unconditional love and emotional attachment like no other child. I can only explain it through God's grace.

I would not appreciate Nathan's unconditional love for me without the pain of the past. But with God's redeeming love, I can enjoy a relationship with my son that I could only dream of before.

Have you seen evidences of God's grace in your stepfamily?

Related posts:

Creating a Stable Stepfamily: Offer Love and Grace Freely

Healthy Stepparenting: Don't Keep Score

When Our Stepchildren are Hurting: Offer Grace

Take Care of the Small Stuff Before It Gets Big

I went to the dentist yesterday to take care of a broken filling. While I was there, I learned that in addition to breaking out the filling, I also broke part of the tooth.

If I hadn't taken the time to have it fixed, the tooth would have likely continued to crack, resulting in only one option: extracting the tooth. Instead I have a nice pretty crown, solidifying the cracked tooth underneath.

When our stepfamily relationships experience brokenness, we need to be intentional in finding solutions for the problems. If we choose to ignore the challenges or deny they exist, we create larger problems that result in more complex solutions.

A dear friend of mine took an active role in raising her stepdaughter for many years. She loved her stepdaughter and treated her as her own. But as the child reached adolescence, the young girl became involved in drugs and running with the wrong crowd.

Her father chose to ignore the situation, hoping it would remedy itself. Of course it didn't, and the young teen-age girl dove deeper into trouble with each friend she made. As a stepparent, my friend couldn't take action without the support of her husband. But the child's father refused to get involved, allowing his daughter to start down a path toward self-destruction.

Unfortunately, at 20 years old, the young lady now lives on the street, continues to abuse drugs, and has an out of wedlock one-year-old daughter she is ill-equipped to raise. The challenge of getting help she will respond to in her present condition has become insurmountable. It's too late for a clean fix to a simple problem.

As stepparents, we can't always control the solutions to stepfamily problems. But we can take part in finding solutions to the challenges we are directly involved in. We can also offer input to our spouse and pray diligently for wise choices with our stepchildren. If we approach difficult issues with our stepchildren as they arise, we are more likely to find answers with long-term success.

What challenges are you facing in your stepfamily? Will you take time to confront the small issues as they develop to prevent larger issues on the horizon?

The Sting of Hurtful Words

My stepson compared me, in a negative sense, to his biological mom this week-end. His mom died over five years ago and the wounds are evident everyday. The words he spoke pierced my heart. I wish I could say it didn't matter to me, but it did.

I have been an active mom in his life for almost 15 years and I would like to believe I have positively influenced him. But he made it clear to me that my opinion of the choice he was making didn't matter because his "real mom" would have been fine with it and it was time I butted out.

Since my stepson turns 20 years old this summer, I recognize his disregard of my opinion. But I believe he is making a choice with negative long-term consequences and I couldn't let it go without expressing my thoughts on the subject.

My stepmother mantra immediately came to mind, lower your expectations for now. In other words, get off your pity pot and let it go. If he chooses to ignore your advice, it is his loss. You cannot control his hurtful reaction but you can control yours.

The challenges of stepparenting seem to ease up at times, only to resurface at other times. It is not uncommon to take a step forward and two steps backward. It feels like my stepson and I took a step backward this week-end. But I'm thankful for the opportunity to start again, continually striving for a positive difference in my stepson's life.

Have you experienced hurtful words lately? How do you cope with it?

Stepparenting Heartache: Part Three

Today I offer my last two considerations on how to cope with stepparenting heartache. You may find that some ideas are more adaptable for you than others, but it's important to find healthy ways to deal with the heartache that can accompany stepparenting.

When my teen-age stepchildren lost their mother to cancer, it was heart-wrenching to watch the array of emotions they experienced. Outbursts of anger, impulsive decisions, and extended periods of withdrawal were a few of the many ways their feelings emerged. It was difficult to watch, knowing there was little we could do to help. I began to wonder if their pain would ever subside. But as time slowly crept by, with counseling and other support, they began to work through their feelings and accept the reality of her loss.

I began to see how time eased their pain. Without trying to rush the process of healing, it began to naturally occur as life marched on. The heartache they were experiencing became more manageable to live with as six months passed, then one year, and now five years. Understandably, they will always miss their mom and have moments of sadness, but the passage of time has eased the intensity of emotions that were evident in the beginning.

Another suggestions to consider when working through heartache is to seek out the God of Comfort. Meditate on and claim the promises of Scripture. Journal your thoughts, feelings, and prayers to help sort through complicated emotions. Draw from previous experience of when your faith sustained you, embracing the certainty it can happen again.

My faith has helped me through many difficult periods on my stepmother journey. I carry a small notebook of Scripture that is meaningful to me in my car. When I get discouraged or overwhelmed, I pull it out and focus on the power offered through God's Word.

Heartache often occurs unexpectedly on the stepparenting path. It happens from rejection, loyalty conflict or harsh words from our stepchildren. It happens when our spouse doesn't understand our feelings or expects more from our stepparenting role than we can offer. But we can make healthy choices to relieve heartache, knowing better days are ahead. By taking steps toward physical and spiritual health, we can speed recovery of our emotional difficulty.

Take care of your heartache today by taking care of yourself.

Stepparenting Heartache: Part Two

In continuing our focus on how to cope with the heartache that can accompany stepparenting, I offer two more suggestions to consider. (The first two suggestions can be seen here.)

When heartache strikes, stay in your normal routine as much as possible, knowing it will not feel normal. In Real Life, Dr. Phil McGraw shares thoughts on dealing with grief and heartache: "You have to continue carrying on with your life, because going MIA from your routine and support from friends and family will only magnify the grief you feel. You need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You can't just go into the fetal position and expect to emerge a year later all better."

When you can't get up in the morning because of your heartache, treat yourself to something special by arranging lunch with a friend or scheduling a massage as you start the day.

Another way to cope with heartache is to accept the reality you may never understand the "why" of your heartache, but you must try to get on with life anyway. When my stepson chose to continue living with his stepdad instead of immediately moving back with us after his mom died, I was angry and hurt. I didn't understand his decision and analyzed his choice repeatedly, magnifying my pain in the process.

Searching for why events happen intensifies our feelings about the situation and leads to negative behavior. In Forgiving God, Carla McClafferty describes her resolve to quit questioning after losing her fourteen-month-old son, Corey. "I realized in this life, I would not know or understand why God allowed Corey to die. Somehow, when I accepted the fact that I would never know, I was able to stop searching for the answer."

Inner peace comes as we accept the pain of our heartache, giving up the need to undertand why. It isn't an easy choice, but one we can intentionally make if we choose to.

Stay tuned for two more suggesions on coping with heartache in my next post.

Stepparenting Heartache

In talking with a new stepmom this week-end, I was reminded of the heartache that can go along with stepparenting.

I reflected on some of my own pain that I experienced when my stepson chose to go live with his mother as an adolescent. During that time his mother became ill with colon cancer and died within the year. The most painful part , however, was a custody battle that ensued afterward when my stepson fought to continue to live with his stepdad and other siblings. There were a lot of hurtful things said in court that ring in my ears even today.

So, how do we cope with heartache that can accompany the stepparenting role? Over the next few days I want to offer a few suggestions.

First, recognize the pain of your heartache. Allow yourself to experience the difficult feelings which might include sadness, anger, denial, frustration, or fear. Try not to stuff your feelings or fall into addictive patterns to soothe the pain. Feelings eventually pass when we give ourselves permission to feel them.

Second, be gentle with yourself and expectations of what you can do on bad days. Lean on friends and family for strength and support. Accept their concern and care, even when they don't know how to help or unintentionally say the wrong thing.

When I went through a difficult divorce, my sister came from out of town to go through the divorce proceedings with me and provide emotional support. Her hopeful attitude and encouraging words gave me the strength to make healthy decisions in the midst of heart-wrenching emotions.

Consider these suggestions today on coping with stepparenting heartache. I will offer two more tomorrow.