The holidays seem to involve more drama than usual for stepfamilies. In my last post, I shared some of our family's drama this Christmas and gave a few suggestions on how to cope with it. Today, I offer a few more ideas:
1. Stay out of the middle, when possible. If the drama occurring is between children, allow them to work it out. Our children need to learn how to manage conflict at home with other family members. If it becomes physically or emotionally hurtful, it's time to get involved. If the drama is between your spouse and an ex, let him/her deal with it. If the drama is between you and your spouse or an ex-spouse, you must confront it.
2. Resolve to take the high road every time. Be the more mature party. Someone has to be the adult during tumultuous periods - it allows for inner peace when we know we're doing the right thing.
3. Commit to pray for your family relationships and exercise patience as they develop. Stepfamily authorities say it takes seven years for a stepfamily to blend. We had more drama than I want to remember during the early years of our marriage but I'm thankful today that we persevered and have stable, loving relationships with one another (even though drama still shows up every now and then).
3. Ask for help when necessary. If conflict begins to occur more frequently without resolve, it could be time to seek professional help. Find a counselor that is familiar with stepfamily dynamics. Or check out my coaching opportunities here. Don't allow unresolved conflict or ongoing drama to destroy your relationships.
Have you successfully dealt with drama this holiday season? Do you have other suggestions to offer?
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I wish I could say that Christmas with our five kids together was perfect this year. I had been looking forward to having everyone home for several days and savoring the moments together as a family.
But, unfortunately, much of the time spent together was stressful. Since four of our five children are young adults, there were a lot of opinions and varying ideas that arose during idle conversation, leading to heated discussions at times. Hurtful words were exchanged and unanswered questions raised. We worked through our struggles, but it was not always easy.
So, as I reflect on coping with stepfamily drama, I offer a few suggestions over the next two posts to successfully manage the inevitable conflict that comes with stepfamily life.
1. Expect a fair amount of drama, particularly at the beginning of the marriage, and other stressful periods. This is where I went wrong this holiday season. I didn't recognize the underlying stress that is affecting our family as we anticipate my husband's job ending in February. Extra money spent at Christmas, the threat of my stepson's college scholarship in jeopardy, and any conversation regarding finances put everyone at edge, leaving us vulnerable to drama.
2. Take extra care to get enough rest, eat right, and exercise during periods of high stress.
This area is easily neglected during the holiday season. Too many Christmas parties, a congested schedule with unavoidable obligations, and never-ending shopping trips leave little room for proper diet, exercise and adequate sleep. We don't cope well with drama when we're not in a good place ourselves physically and emotionally.
3. Nurture your marital relationship. Some day the kids will be gone and the drama will be over. But if the marriage wasn't nurtured, there will be nothing left to share. Don't let the conflict of "his, hers, and ours" drive your relationship apart. Find a way to have some time alone and reconnect with one another during and after stressful periods.
Merry Christmas! As we gather with family and open gifts around the Christmas tree, it's easy to forget the meaning of the season. But without the birth of Christ, we would have nothing to celebrate.
So, amidst the hustle and bustle, take time to read the Christmas story with your family. Reflect on the gift of Jesus Christ as you exchange gifts with another.
And take every opportunity to show Christ's love to your friends and family - even the unloveable ones.
"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22, 23)
I worked for a dynamic leader in the corporate world years ago whose motto in business was, "Do the Right Thing." He grew his business by treating others with respect, making decisions with customers and vendors based on doing what was right.
That same motto can make a difference in stepfamilies. Doing the right thing may require sacrifices on our part and doesn't always come naturally, but it can positively affect those around us.
My girls' dad is coming to visit next week. His relationship with the girls is fragile due to his ongoing struggles with addiction. I have a difficult time being cordial when he's around. But I know that's the right thing to do.
Doing the right thing also means I get out of the way and let go of control in their relationships. My girls are young adults, mature enough to make wise choices. I want to rescue them from future heartache due to their dad's unpredictable behavior; instead, I will pray for healthy interaction and give them the freedom to determine what kind of relationship they want to have with him.
It's not always easy to do the right thing. It may require difficult choices. But it can make a positive difference in stepfamily relationships.
What are you fearful of this holiday season? Managing the visitation schedule with a difficult ex-spouse? Coping with uncooperative stepchildren over a prolonged stay? Socializing with ex-in-laws?
The holiday season brings all kinds of opportunities for anxiety. But we can choose every day whether we will live by faith, or be controlled by fear.
In her book, Calm My Anxious Heart, Linda Dillow gives these thoughts on faith: "Faith is the bulwark that keeps us strong even when we're assailed by agonizing thoughts about what might happen or by what has happened. Faith enables us to be content even when life doesn't make sense."
Contrast that with fear. Fear is a self-defeating force that cripples positive action. Fear controls our mind and elicits unstable emotions. Fear drives us to an admission of defeat, giving up before accomplishing an attainable goal.
Why would we choose fear over faith? Perhaps it's because our faith isn't strong enough to sustain us. We carry around a head full of knowledge about faith but we don't allow it to penetrate our heart. We're satisfied with a superficial level of faith.
But it doesn't have to be that way. We can commit to growing our faith through Bible study, prayer, and fellowship with other believers. We can choose to rely on the Lord for wisdom, strength, and comfort every day.
I've heard it said there are 365 fear not verses in the Bible. Isn't that interesting? God knows the stronghold of fear and gives us a verse every day to rely on for support and encouragement.
So, as you face difficult situations this season, will you rely on faith or be controlled by fear? It's a choice.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5,6)
Are you allowing fear to creep into your heart instead of focusing on faith to overcome your struggles?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Take Care of the Small Stuff
"Mom, I've been hit from behind and my car has a good amount of damage." My youngest daughter was in her first fender bender this last week. She called me in tears and asked me what to do. She wasn't hurt but I could tell she was scared. I told her to pull over and call the police.
I asked if she wanted me to come help and she said yes. I knew she was capable of handling the situation by herself, but thought she could use some emotional support.
When we take the time to help our children and stepchildren through their trials, we build stronger relationships with them. Our actions speak love when we help them. It may not be convenient or easy for us, but it shows our children we care about them.
This past week, my stepson was stressed out about his work schedule and other things he needed to do to finish his school schedule. He had just completed another semester of college and needed to get his textbooks returned. I offered to help return his books if he would bring them to me. He thanked me and was genuinely appreciative of my help.
With the holidays in full swing, there are a variety of ways we can show our stepchildren we love them through the small stuff. Attend their Christmas programs, help them shop for their siblings and other family members (including their bio parent in the other home), eat lunch with them at school (unless they're teenagers...), help them with their homework, or whatever else you can do that shows you care.
How will you show love to your stepchildren this week through the small stuff?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Face Your Challenges: Lessons from Elizabeth Edwards
In the wake of Elizabeth Edward's death this week, I'm reminded of a resiliency few people possess. With unending optimism toward life's challenges, she faced her struggles head on, refusing to hide behind the curtain of her political husband.
Despite her public image as an attorney, best-selling author and health care activist, her most prized possesions were her children. Ms. Edwards leaves behind two young children: 12-year-old Emma Claire and 10-year-old Jack along with 28-year-old Cate. Her oldest son, Wade, was killed in an auto accident at 16 years of age.
I've watched Ms. Edwards in the public light and admired her gracious and dignified attitude toward life's challenges. She courageously grieved the loss of her oldest son after a sudden accident. She fought a valiant battle with breast cancer, remaining optimistic to the end that she would beat it.
She endured a public scandal for several years when it was revealed that her husband, John Edwards, had been unfaithful and fathered a child out of wedlock. Then, at the beginning of this year, she separated from John Edwards after 33 years of marriage and filed for divorce, choosing to live the end of her life alone with her children.
Her courage resonated in every interview and I admired her attitude toward hardship: "It's easy to get through the good days. What's most important is that when bad things happen, you have the strength to face it."
Life is hard. No one gets to escape difficult times. But it is our choice as to how we will respond when bad things happen.
Will you garner the strength you need to face your stepparenting challenges this holiday season?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
I can list dozens of circumstances within our stepfamily I wish I could change. Instead I seek to accept difficult situations, looking for positive nuggets among the challenges.
I wish I could change the reality of my husband's job ending. Instead, I will accept the difficult circumstances and choose to believe God has a new plan for his employment, placing my faith in God's promises.
I wish I could change that my ex-husband continues to struggle with addiction, resulting in homelessness some years, negligence in his relationship with our girls, and disregard for child support payments.
Instead I choose to accept his instability, including lack of financial help, despite escalating expenses with one daughter in college and the other daughter beginning next Fall. I choose to accept that the girls need extra love and guidance from me to sort through their feelings and disappointments.
I wish I could change that my stepchildren lost their mother to cancer five years ago, resulting in painful emotions, particularly during the holiday season. I wish I could rescue them from their loss.
Instead I choose to stand beside them on good days and bad, listening to heart-wrenching feelings that children shouldn't have to experience. I choose to allow them the freedom to make good choices and not-so-good choices, praying for healing and maturity through the process.
I wish I could change that our nine-year-old son sees evidence of divorce in his immediate family everyday. I wish I could change the circumstances when he asks why his older brother and sisters have more than one mom or dad.
Instead I choose to answer his questions honestly, hoping to give him the tools he needs to engage in healthy relationships as he matures.
We make choices everyday that allow for peace and serenity or anger and anxiety. During this holiday season, I choose to seek serenity as I change what I can and accept what I cannot.
Are you trying to control circumstances you cannot change instead of accepting them?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Build Family Traditions
Family traditions are a great way for stepfamilies to connect with one another. Family members come together and work toward a common goal in a non-threatening environment.
Traditions can be as simple as picking out a tree together or making paper chains to count down the days toward Christmas (one of my kids' favorites). The goal is to find activities that the family enjoys and will look forward to doing together.
Flexibility is the key to being successful with family traditions in stepfamilies. When our kids were younger we had a difficult time managing our visitation schedule with the other households. But we always persisted in finding time to come together and enjoy activities such as decorating the house, going to a light show, and attending special services at church.
As our kids have gotten older, circumstances have changed and it's easier. With family traditions in place, everyone knows what to expect and works at accommodating their schedule to allow time to participate.
Family traditions create bonds with family members that are strengthened every year as activities are enjoyed together. They provide a means of expressing love and laughter together, helping protect a family from brokenness and conflict. Loyalty and commitment toward one another are gained while working for a common purpose.
It's never too late to start family traditions. They offer a sense of belonging that can help cement relationships. Bring your family together and enjoy some new traditions this year!
What traditions does your family participate in together?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Balancing Your Time as You Consider What's Important
My parents live out of state and visited for several days over the Thanksgiving holiday. We had a wonderful visit and I enjoyed our time together. But I was mindful of my tendency to focus on my to-do list during this busy season instead of simply relaxing and enjoying their company.
I don't want to regret the way I spent my time when my children are gone from home and my parents have passed away. I want my loved ones to know they are important to me. I demonstrate that when I make time for them.
It's easy to overload our schedule this time of year with shopping, Christmas parties, and other social events. But if we fail to leave time for our family, we neglect the most important item on our list.
Balancing our time includes saying no. We don't have to go to every Christmas luncheon we are invited to or volunteer at every function we hear about. But it's important to make time for our children's Christmas programs and recitals.
Finding balance during the holiday season for me also includes taking time for exercise and watching what I eat. During the Thansksgiving break, I noticed a sluggishness toward the end of the week. I'm certain it was a result of too much sugar and not enough exercise during the break. So, I re-committed to healthier eating and consistent exercise to give me the energy I need for the holiday season.
As we begin the busiest month of the year, it's a great time to evaluate our schedules and determine what's important to us. We are given once chance to live each day. I don't want to look back with regret. I want to look forward with anticipation. How about you?
Is your schedule overloaded? How will you find balance?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies: Remain Hopeful During Stressful Periods
My husband and I married in mid-October 15 years ago, and the holidays descended upon us as we began our new life together. My expectations of a joyous holiday season quickly faded as the reality of combining two households with different traditions and outside family members settled on us.
I wasn't prepared for the chaos and heartache that accompanied our first set of holidays together. Blending four young children, managing a harried schedule with two ex-spouses, and competing with the "other households" for time together and adequate give exchange ignited a simmering blaze that burned throughout the season, leaving behind a trail of hurt feelings and unmet expectations.
Our holidays as a family have changed considerably since that first year. We only have two children living at home and although our schedules are busy, the kids don't have competing households to contend with. We live out of state from my ex-husband and my stepchildren's mother passed away five years ago. So, the complications are significantly reduced and it's much easier to agree on a time to come together to celebrate the holiday.
We also enjoy time together comfortably, without the strain of awkward relationships and misunderstood communication. Our family has matured through difficult times and worked through angry encounters, hurt feelings and stressful situations. We can now appreciate one another's differences and love each other's uniqueness.
I'm thankful I didn't give up that first year of marriage during our difficult holiday season. We're not a perfect family, but we've learned to love and accept one another, creating loyal relationships that tie us together as a family.
I pray you'll enjoy a happy holiday season. But, even if it's less than perfect, don't give up on your family. Stepfamily relationships are complicated and stable stepfamilies are not created overnight. There's always hope for continued growth and better days ahead if you don't quit.
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Be Flexible and Agreeable With Others, Whenever Possible
During the holiday season, it's natural to see and talk with outside family members more often. It's uncomfortable to see your ex-spouse or former in-laws if communication is strained. When possible, commit to do your part to be friendly and easy to get along with.
When deciding on the visitation schedule, be willing to make sacrifices to fit everyone's schedule. Offer alternatives for special dates and activities.
Recognize that Thanksgiving and Christmas can be celebrated on alternate days and still be a memorable day. We have exchanged Christmas gifts before and after December 25th many years to allow everyone to be together and still celebrated a special day.
Try to be fair to all parties involved. Separate old marital issues from parenting issues and examine your heart for resentment or bitterness that might be keeping you from friendly interaction.
I wish I could say that I communicate easily with my ex-husband since it has been almost 20 years since our divorce, but that is not the case. I have to consciously work at being friendly and treating him fairly when I talk to him.
If conversations become difficult, shield the children from being involved. It is not always possible to have healthy interaction when the other party is volatile or overly sensitive, but the children should not be subjected to conflict with their other parent.
It may be necessary to resort to e-mail or texting to communicate. But we can do our part to try to be at peace with those we come in contact with and protect our children from being pulled between two people they love.
Holidays will be enjoyed more when our conversations are free of conflict. There may be bumps along the way, but it helps when we make a conscious effort to get along with those around us.
"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." (Romans 12:18)
Will you make an extra effort to be agreeable with others through the holiday season?
Friday's Fav Scripture - "My Grace is Sufficient for You"
"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9,10)
I don't know about you, but I often feel weak and inadequate in my parenting and stepparenting role. I love this Scripture because it speaks of the Apostle Paul's need for Christ's power to rest on him and supply the grace and strength he needs.
I can relate. I cannot adequately perform my role as a wife, mother, and stepmother without Christ's help. I'm thankful for His willingness to walk this path with me.
As we move toward the week of Thanksgiving, I want to offer thanks for the unending grace, strength and power I can access.
What about you? Do you need to recognize Christ's strength or grace today?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Live One Day at a Time
"Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, but only empties today of its strength." Charles Spurgeon
When emotions are high during the holiday season, it's easy to worry about the upcoming visitation or encounter with difficult family members. But if we consider each day a gift that will not be experienced again, we will make each day count.
Living one day at a time as a stepparent means we wipe the slate clean every morning of previous hurts and offenses, starting new for the day with a positive attitude. We don't burden ourselves with concerns of tomorrow that may not happen anyway, but stay focused on what we can do today to positively impact those around us.
We can remind ourselves that God will never give us more than we can handle if we choose to meet only the responsibilities of today, not yesterday or tomorrow.
If past holidays have been difficult, we may project that the next one will be also. But we determine what kind of celebration we will have and whether we will allow others to interrupt our joy. We can learn from our past and do things differently, while choosing not to place blame or wallow in self-pity.
I love the quote, "Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you."
Determine to make every day of this holiday season a special one. Focus on what you can change and let go of what you can't. Begin today with a renewed commitment to live one day at a time.
"Therefore, do not wory about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:34)
Are you facing unusual challenges this season? Will you strive to live one day at a time as you meet those challenges?
Holiday Tips for Stepfamilies - Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations
As we move toward Thanksgiving and Christmas, I want to include some holiday tips I've written about previously. Holidays can be very stressful for stepfamilies and it's helpful to be aware of what we can do to make the holiday season an enjoyable one.
Tip #1: Let go of unrealistic expectations
Don't expect every day of the season to go smoothly. Recognize that children experience fluctuating emotions as they cope with the loss of their nuclear family and accept their new step family. Because stepfamilies are created as a result of loss (divorce or death), children go through a grieving process. They may act out or withdraw for periods of time.
During the holidays, emotions can heighten and memories of past holidays can prevent stepchildren from enjoying current holiday celebrations. Don't take it personally if their attitude changes from one day to the next as you're trying to decorate the house or come together for family traditions.
Keep a positive mindset when negotiating visitation. Don't expect the schedule to work out perfectly without compromise on your part. When our children were younger, we considered our children's scheduling needs with their non-custodial parents before determing how to come together with our extended family. Some years it was disappointing for my husband and me to have little time with our own parents and siblings, but we accepted the reality of too many schedules to consider to see everyone.
Stepfamilies have complicated issues to work through during the holidays. One bad day doesn't have to dictate a difficult holiday season. Even with a bump or two along the way, it can be a joyous and memorable time.
Have you worked out your visitation schedule for the Thanksgiving Break? Were you able to negotiate well with other parties involved?
"Love is pateint, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (I Corinthians 13:4)
We live in a fast paced society that believes everything should happen quickly. We don't like to wait for food to cook so we put everything in the microwave. We have instant contact with people 24/7 through text messaging. There's no need to go to the library and look things up the old-fashioned way anymore because we can find whatever we want on our computer.
But if we try to carry that thinking over to our relationships, it doesn't work. Trust and respect take time to build, particularly in stepfamilies. If we want lasting, meaningful relationships we must be willing to put in the time and commitment required. There are no shortcuts.
I cherish this Scripture and need the reminder of what Christ-like love looks like: "Love is patient......it always perseveres."
How are you doing in your stepfamily relationships? Are you seeing the results of patience and perseverance on your stepfamily journey?
Well known poet, Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A man is what he thinks about all day long." In other words, if we dwell on the negative parts of our life, every aspect of our being will reflect negativity. But if we focus on the positive nuggets of our situation, we create positive surroundings for our self.
In his book, The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale supports this thinking when he states, “Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. Think positively, for example, and you set in motion positive forces which bring positive results to pass. … On the contrary, think negative thoughts and you create around yourself an atmosphere propitious to the development of negative results.”
Did you catch that? Conditions are created by thoughts far more powerfully than conditions create thoughts. Dr. Peale is suggesting that we influence our situation with our thinking. So, if we want our stepchildren to respond positively toward us, we need to create that scenario in our head. When we think positively toward them and expect positive behavior from them, they will begin to respond that way.
Our demeanor reflects what we are thinking. When we have negative thoughts circling through our mind, we give off negative vibes toward those around us. Our stepchildren can feel our negativity and will react accordingly.
I have seen this happen with my own stepchildren. If I choose to dwell on negative thoughts toward them, I respond to them with an insensitive spirit and critical remarks. Even if I don't say anything, my nonverbal language speaks volumes. They can sense my negativity with them and respond in anger or frustration.
On the other hand, if I choose to think positively toward them and my verbal and nonverbal language reflects a like demeanor, they feel loved and accepted. It's easy for them to respond favorably toward a loving spirit.
Are you up for a challenge? Think only positive thoughts about your stepchildren today. If something negative creeps into your mind, turn it around and find a positive twist. See if it makes a difference. Leave a comment and let me know the results.
Will you focus on positive thinking today with your stepchildren?
I'll never forget the counselor's words when my husband and I began seeing a therapist at the beginning of our marriage. "You might consider it a privilege to take part in parenting your stepchildren. Could you consider that?" What??? Was he listening to my pleas for help? No, I couldn't consider what he was asking.
As we move toward the Thanksgiving holiday, it's a great time to count our blessings and offer thanksgiving. In the early years of our marriage, I would have never given thanks for my stepchildren. But, 15 years later, I can say, "I'm thankful for my stepchildren, and the part I've played as their stepparent."
My stepchildren have taught me patience and perseverance during painful periods. I've been forced to build a character of steel and skin as thick as mud to make it through tough times. But I've learned I can endure almost anything and come out successfuly on the other side, with God's help.
My stepchildren have taught me that family isn't always blood-related. I can learn to love my stepchildren like my own. I can offer Christ-like forgiveness even when they don't deserve it. And I can be proud of earning love and respect from my them, in spite of my stepparenting blunders.
Stepparenting isn't easy, but it offers the opportunity to make a difference in a child's life. Will you embrace that privilege?
Are you thankful for your stepchildren? Will you share why you're thankful for them?
"Seven days without prayer makes one weak." Author unknown
"Pray Without Ceasing" (I Thess. 5:17). It's a short verse with powerful words that we often neglect. How easy it is to disregard our need to pray continually.
If you're dealing with stepfamily struggles that seem to have no answers, I suggest you "pray without ceasing." When we're in an attitude of prayer, we find peace in the midst of our trial.
As we guide two of our children through the murky waters of young adulthood, I was reminded of our need to pray for them constantly. The words of a Proverbs 31 ministry devotion by Susanne Scheppmann resonated with me: "Sometimes, no matter how great the parenting, some children flounder in adulthood. They wander into uncharted territory to test their independence. What's a parent to do then? If the child is of legal age, the best thing a parent can do is to pray."
The little things in life can make the most difference. My daughter helping me carry in groceries on a day I'm overwhelmed with chores. A stranger offering me thanks at church for playing the piano each week. My husband putting air in my tires when he notices the dashboard light.
Acts of kindness are simple reminders that show others we care about them. They may take a few moments of our day or an entire afternoon. But they speak volumes to the one on the receiving end.
My stepson is without a car for an indefinite period of time because of his recent car wreck. I knew he was concerned about getting back and forth to school and work from his apartment. So, I sent him a text message Monday morning offering to help with rides when I could.
He responded with an appreciative message back. It wasn't a big deal on my part but it communicated to him that I care and want to help him during this stressful period.
I wish I could say I'm always willing to help and come armed with a considerate attitude. But I'm not. I'm selfish with my time and like to consider my needs first. But I realize the value of a Christ-like attitude in doing for others, especially my children.
Stepparenting takes time and sacrifice. The needs of our stepchildren while they are in our home (whether part-time or full-time) last only a season. But the rewards of a willing heart toward unselfish acts of kindness can be seen for many years as a meaningful relationship ensues.
We may not receive the appreciation we deserve for serving our stepchildren. But we will be blessed in knowing we have done our part in offering Christ-like love and kindness.
"Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience..." (Colossians 3:12)
"Dad, we've been in a wreck. We're not hurt but my car is pretty messed up." My stepson, Payton, relayed the disturbing news Friday night after he and two of his buddies were involved in a car wreck that totalled his car. Physically he wasn't hurt, but emotionally he was destroyed.
It was the final straw for Payon in a series of events that left him feeling hopeless. Recently robbed at gunpoint in his apartment, struggling in a financial management class that could jeopardize his academic scholarship, managing an unsatisfactory work schedule with a less-than-understanding boss, and now coping with the anguish of an auto accident that destroyed his car. He sat at our kitchen table with tears in his eyes, his head in his hands saying, "What do I do?"
We've all had those days. Times of complete failure and absolute hopelessness. Days when it seemed our stepfamily relationships would never get better, even though we were doing all we knew to do. Periods of outright despair.
Maybe that's where you are today. Perhaps you're tired of the struggle and ready to call it quits on your family. I urge you - don't give up. As we shared with Payton, let go and let God. He can work a miracle if you trust Him.
In Courage to Change, Al-Anon Family Groups offers good advice on the AA slogan, Let Go and Let God. "The more tightly I clutch my problems to my mind, the less opportunity I give God to help me work them out. God's help is always available; all we have to do it to make room for Him to take part in our lives and keep ourselves ready to accept His guidance."
When we let go and let God, we give up control of the problem and ask for His help in the solution. We admit our powerlessness over the situation and surrender our will to His will.
It takes a concious effort on our part. It requires risk ... but offers freedom.
"Come near to God and He will come near to you." (James 4:8)
Do you need to let go and let God?Will you share the result of past experience with surrending to His will in your stepfamily?
Friday's Fav Scripture - "Faith is Being Sure of What We Hope For"
Today I want to share one of my favorite songs by Kutless, "What Faith Can Do." I hope you will take the time to watch the video and listen to the lyrics. Here are a few phrases from the song that resonate with me:
"Impossible is not a word. It's just a reason for someone not to try."
"You will find your way. If you keep believing."
"Don't you give up now. The sun will soon be shining."
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains."
"That's what faith can do."
Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
How does your faith impact your stepparenting journey?
My husband learned some difficult news this week regarding his employment. As plant manager of a cabinet manufacturing company, the downfall of the housing industry has taken a toll on the company he works for. The news we've been dreading to hear from corporate was delivered on Monday.
My husband is an upbeat, positive person. But he's had moments of discouragement as we now face an uncertain future. I've committed to making it a priority to encourage him regularly in the weeks and months ahead.
If your spouse is a stepparent, he/she needs encouragement often. In an unappreciated role, surrounded by stepchildren who may show disregard and distaste for them, it's difficult to continue on the stepparenting journey. But with thoughtful words of, "I appreciate you" or "thank you for your willing heart," the stepparenting road seems more manageable.
In Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul, "50 Ways to Love Your Partner" (or encourage him/her), has some good ideas. Here are a few suggestions I liked:
- Compliment freely and often
- Appreciate--and celebrate--your differences
- Live each day as if it's your last
- Seek out beautiful sunsets together
- Apologize sincerely
- Let her cry in your arms
- Tell him you understand
- Respect each other
- Be your partner's biggest fan
- Do the other person's chores for a day
- Calm each others' fears
- Put your partner first in your prayers
"So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing." (I Thess. 5:11)
Making Your Remarriage Work: Separate Marital and Parenting Issues
"I refuse to get on that bandwagon and stay consumed with his problems. It's a tough situation but I don't want it to ruin every aspect of our lives."
I recently spoke with a new stepmom who is dealing with some tough issues with her 16-year-old stepson. She recognizes the critical place her stepson is in but refuses to allow the strain of his problems to interfere with her marriage to his dad. I told her I was proud to see her separate the difficult parenting issue from the new marriage she and her new husband are building. It's not an easy thing to do.
When we're raising children in a blended family, we often get consumed with the negative issues surrounding the kids and allow it to interfere with our remarriage. It's crucial for us to be aware of how an unfavorable stepchild situation can bleed over into resentment toward our spouse. If we see that happening, we need to make a conscious choice to separate the parenting issue from our marriage, and talk with our spouse about our feelings.
When I blamed my husband for difficulties with his children in the early years of our remarriage, he would tell me, "I'm your friend in this marriage, not your enemy. We can work this out together. But we have to be on the same side and I don't sense you're on my side."
He was right. I was allowing my stepparenting struggles to interfere with my feelings toward him and create a strain in our relationship. I'm thankful he didn't allow me to stay stuck in those feelings.
There will naturally be some overlap between our stepparenting role and our remarriage. But when we let negative feelings toward our stepchildren interefere with our feelings toward our spouse, we need to evaluate the situation and separate the stepparenting struggle from the marriage relationship.
Do you have difficulty separating marital and parenting issues? Does it affect your marriage relationship?
Friday's Fav Scripture - "I Will Strengthen You and Help You"
Friday's Favorite Scripture this week is Isaiah 41:10: "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you wth my righteous right hand."
In my last post I shared the traumatic incident my stepson recently experienced. Our family has encountered some fear as a result of that happening. But God has reminded us of His faithfulness and His willingness to help us work through our fears as we rely on Him for protection and guidance.
As a stepparent, I depend on the Lord's help daily. I fail miserably in my stepparenting role without Him. I become dismayed if I look at our circumstances and attempt to make sense of them on my own. I need to be reminded that He wants to "uphold me with His righteous right hand."
What about you? What Scripture helps you on your stepparenting journey?
My husband and I returned from a five-day anniversary trip yesterday to learn some disturbing news. My stepson, a college student living on his own with a roommate, was robbed and held at gunpoint a few days ago at his apartment. In broad daylight, the door to his apartment was kicked open, and two men ransacked his place while threatening him with his life.
I'm thankful my stepson wasn't hurt and we believe God protected him. Feeling unsafe to stay there, we're now faced with a decision concerning where he will live. We offered him the chance to move back home, realizing it would be an adjustment for all of us. But we want him to heal from his traumatic experience and be able to move forward without fear.
Change is an inevitable part of life. Stepfamilies encounter more change, on average, than traditional families. As children move back and forth between homes, relationships with ex-spouses and extended family members change, and jobs change to accommodate family needs, transitions seem never-ending.
If we choose to embrace flexibility, our remarriage will fare better. We may not like the changes that occur, but if we accept them and deal with them the best we can, we will find contentment. If we fight change, we become bitter and resentful with our circumstances.
We can also be assured there will be more change as years pass. Children/stepchildren grow up and leave home, demands of the family change, and new responsibilities surface as our own parents age and the parenting roles reverse. Embracing flexibility offers a healthy outlook for our remarriage as we cope with everyday change.
What change are you currently encountering? Can you embrace a flexible attitude?
Making Your Remarriage Work: Don't Settle for Mediocrity
It's easy to set a marriage on autopilot and make little effort toward a dynamic relationship. One day you wake up and realize your marriage has headed down mediocre lane. With the complexities of stepfamily life, mediocrity can lead to divorce from unresolved issues and complex circumstances.
In a remarriage with children, it's not uncommon for the primary focus of the home to shift from a couple relationship to a kid-centered relationship, particularly during the early years. When there are ongoing challenges with stepchildren, the couple relationship gets lost in the forest, causing the stability of the stepfamily to suffer.
If we want a dynamic marital relationship, we must determine we will not settle for mediocrity. It requires intentional effort on our part to develop and nurture a healthy marital relationship, but it's worth the effort.
In her book, Stepmonster, Dr. Wednesday Martin gives sobering statistics on the divorce rate for remarrieds. "Divorce researcher E. Mavis Hetherington suggests that the divorce rate may be as high as 65 percent for remarriages in which one partner has children from a previous union, and a sobering 70 percent when both partners bring their own children to the picture."
Dr. Martin outlines several factors that create complexities within stepfamily life. She then emphasizes the necessity of prioritizing your relationship. "With the cards stacked against it, your marriage needs more than mere tending. Battered by issues and dynamics not found in a first union, yours will not survive unless it is given special priority by both you and your husband.
Remarriage requires ongoing, intentional effort to resist mediocrity and achieve dynamic relationships. Rearing children who are not your own takes an exhausting toll on your marriage. Will you commit to the challenge of putting your marriage first and teaming up for success in a committed relationship?
Have you settled for mediocrity in your marital relationship? What steps will you take to prioritize your marriage?
Note to Readers: I'm starting a new format with my Friday blog entries. I will post a favorite Scripture, quote, or song video every Friday and how it applies to stepfamily life. I will continue my post series on tips for a successful remarriage with my next post on Monday.
One of my all-time favorite Scripture passages is Philippians 4:6,7: "Be anxious for nothing but in everything, by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Stepfamily life has brought a lot of anxiety our way. Some days I handle it better than others, but the only way I handle it with confidence and peace, is through prayer and supplication.
Our biggest anxiety currently centers around financial concerns. My husband's job has been unstable for more than two years because of the economy and we don't see much hope of it getting better. We are facing decisions of whether he should look for other employment, which could involve relocating, or continue to hope and pray for his current position. The stress of increasing financial obligations also looms overhead with two children currently in college and a third one to start next year.
It's not unusual for stepfamilies to face financial crises. When there are several children in the mix, financial strain can become a burden. But we can trust that God will take care of our needs and give us the peace we need when we "let our requests be made known to God," and trust Him with the answers.
Are you struggling with anxiety over circumstances in your stepfamily? Have you taken your requests to the Lord?
As my husband, Randy, and I celebrate a 15-year milestone in our marriage this week, I've been reflecting on how we've managed to stay married during some difficult years. So, for the next few posts, I want to highlight steps for success in a remarriage.
In their book,The Remarriage Checkup, Ron Deal and Dr. David Olson talk about the challenges of remarriage. "It is worthy to note that 88 percent of remarriage couples expect to have difficulties with stepfamily issues, but expecting difficulties and knowing how to manage them are two different things. Our clinical experience shows that despite an awareness that stepfamily issues will prove problematic for their marriage, most couples don't fully anticipate the magnitude of the stressors they will face and often are not equipped to deal with it."
Success in remarriage takes intentional steps toward healthy choices. The first and most important step that Randy and I took was committing to a united walk in our faith as we married and blended our families. We were from different denominations of faith that were similar in beliefs, but different in rituals. So, during our dating years, Randy and I committed to a spiritual journey together that included raising our children in a Christ-filled home. We then began church shopping until we found a church we could worship in as a family. We joined the church before we married. I'll never forget the pastor stumbling over his words as he introduced our families to the congregation, trying to avoid the subject of divorce as we stood with our four children!
If I'm not willing to surrender to a Christ-filled life, I assume the position of having all the answers. Remarriage and stepfamily life is complicated. If I rely on my own understanding, I fail. However, when I rely on guidance from the Lord and His Word, I have greater success in my relationships. I also need God's love and mercy daily as I relate to others in my stepfamily, particularly during difficult periods.
Without our faith, I firmly believe Randy and I would not have survived 15 years of blended family life. But as we lean on the Lord for strength,wisdom, and perseverance, we find hope to continue on our journey.
What do you think? Do you consider your faith an important part of success in your remarriage?
Dear Stepparent: Never Underestimate Your Value with Your Stepchildren
My husband, Randy, and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage this week. My youngest daughter, Jodi, (pictured above) was 2 1/2 years old when we married. I had no idea what an influence my husband would be with Jodi.
Jodi bonded easily with Randy from the beginning. She wanted to call him "Dad" at an early age, but my ex-husband forbade it. So, she called him by his first name until she got old enough that she didn't care what her dad thought. Then, she began to call him Dad.
Jodi's biological dad floated in and out of her life because of poor choices with addiction. There were many months that we didn't know where her dad lived or even if he was still alive. But every step of the way,
Randy was there for her.
Randy will readily admit that he hasn't been a perfect stepparent. As we blended our four children, we experienced emotional melt-downs and parenting collisions. We faced ex-spouse pressures and co-parenting conflicts. But Randy stayed the course, through the good and bad.
During Jodi's elementary years, Randy taught her to ride a bike, helped with homework, and carpooled her to sleepovers and birthday parties. During middle school, Randy was Jodi's biggest cheerleader as she tried out for the track team - running with her during her training season, and attending every meet he could. And through her high school years, Randy has stayed close by her side - counseling her through boyfriend dilemmas, challenging maturity in her faith, and encouraging wise choices in her every day walk.
So, it was only natural when Jodi was selected for Homecoming Court as a high school senior, that she asked Randy to escort her on the football field. It was a proud moment for him this past Friday night to walk arm in arm as her dad, a reward for many years of faithful stepparenting.
The stepparenting journey takes a different route for each of us. Some get to play more active roles than others. But we can each have a positive impact on our stepchildren if we commit to the journey, persevering through the challenges, celebrating the victories, and cherishing the relationships that are developed along the way.
Have you affirmed yourself lately for the important role you play as a stepparent?
Finding the Beauty of God's Grace in Your Stepfamily
Nathan, 2010
"Mom, I'm sorry my friend was talking like that in front of you," my nine year old son, Nathan, said as I put him to bed last night. He was referring to some crude language a neighbor was using while playing at our house. My son knew the comments were offensive to me.
I appreciated my son's sweet attitude toward my feelings. I was reminded of the blessing of his sensitive spirit because I haven't always experienced that with my other children. Nathan is the only child my husband and I have together, and I believe God gave me a caring, affectionate, I'm-gonna-take-care-of-my-momma boy to make up for some of the hurt and agony I've experienced with my stepchildren.
When I married my husband, my stepson was five. Because I had two girls, I didn't know much about raising a son but I dreamed of cheering him on at ballgames, hearing about his first girlfriend, and enjoying big hugs snuggled on the couch. Unfortunately, most of those dreams have not come true.
My stepson's mother was an active part of his life as a young boy and she didn't like me being involved. My authority was undermined and my behavior was criticized. It seemd as if I was on trial constantly regarding what I said or how I disciplined my stepchildren. If I made a wrong move, my husband would hear about it.
I didn't know how to stop feeling like I was competing with my stepson's mother in every arena. When I attended ballgames, all I heard was, "Way to go son. Stike him out son. Hit it over the fence son." My insecurity in my stepmother role kept me from actively participating at ballgames or school events when his mom was there.
The loyalty my stepson showed toward his mother was obvious. I was kept at arm's length because it was too complicated to show love toward his stepmother.The risk of hurting his mom's feelings was too great.
I learned to live with little expectation in my relationship with my stepson. It wasn't the way I wanted it, but it became a survival technique for me. As he grew older, the relationship showed signs of developing, but when his mom died unexpectedly when he was 15 years old, the loyalty issues returned, preventing him from moving forward in a relationship with me.
God has seen every struggle with my stepson. He knows my heart and acknowledges my hurt from years' past. When I was expecting our youngest child, I wanted another girl. I had been through so much pain with my stepson that I couldn't imagine starting over with another boy.
But God knew what I needed. He has used our sweet son, Nathan, to heal my hurts and bandage my wounds. Through His grace, He gave me a gift I can't replace. Nathan is affectionate and loving toward me every day. He is not a perfect child but he shows me unconditional love and emotional attachment like no other child. I can only explain it through God's grace.
I would not appreciate Nathan's unconditional love for me without the pain of the past. But with God's redeeming love, I can enjoy a relationship with my son that I could only dream of before.
Have you seen evidences of God's grace in your stepfamily?
"Wait, Wait, Wait on the Lord." That's the title of the most recent blog post I was reading that updates the recovery of my friend's daughter who was in a terrible car accident recently. The brain injury she suffered is taking longer to heal than anyone wants. The days are long while her family waits and watches, wondering if she will ever fully recover.
Wait. God requires that of us often.The circumstances change but the conditions remain the same. Wait.
Relationships in stepfamilies require constant waiting. We wait for them to develop, we wait for them to move forward, we wait for them to heal when hurts occur, and we wait for them to mature. It takes time. And it takes waiting.
In her book, The Stepfamily Survival Guide, by Natalie Nichols Gillespie, the author talks about the difficult wait she and her husband have been through with her oldest stepdaughter, Lorra. "Lorra has chosen as an adult not to continue her relationship with her father and me for now, and Adam (husband) and I have sobbed on many occasions over her decision. The family all know that I have had nightmares on many multiple occasions that one of my stepdaughters is getting married and I am standing outside watching through the windows because I am not allowed inside the church!"
Natalie and her husband are enduring a terrible wait. An unknown future of whether her stepdaughter will allow them to be part of her life again. An agonizing wait.
There are no easy answers on enduring difficult waits. But as believers, we can stand on God's promises. He will walk with us through the wait. He will stand beside when we can't find answers. He will guide us when we don't understand the outcome. And He will sustain us when the wait seems unending.
We have a choice. Will we resist the wait and agonize over answers on our time table? Or will we wait on God, trust His sovereignty, and allow Him complete control of our destiny?
"Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
Are you waiting on the Lord? Are you seeking His presence while you wait?
If you struggle with feelings of doubt, resentment or insecurity in your stepparenting role, this video will be a blessing to you. It's a powerful reminder of why we make unending sacrifices for our stepchildren every day.
I first saw this video on Meg Miller's blog a few weeks ago. It spoke to me powerfully. I don't usually watch videos that people recommend, but I believe this one is worth your time.
Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think.
I helped with a church service at a poverty-stricken trailer park yesterday. As I spoke with those who lived there, I saw brokenness in every family. Persons affected by addiction, family members struggling with broken relationships, elderly with debilitating health issues, and others wondering where their next meal would come from.
But if you looked in their eyes, you saw glimpses of hope. That's why they had come.They wanted to experience the Hope we find through Jesus Christ. They worshiped with authentic hearts as they connected with the One who offered them hope.
Are you looking for hope on your stepfamily journey? Are you trying to find comfort through your spouse, your friends, or your stepchildren? You might find glimmers of hope through relationships, but you will also find hurt and disappointment. I have no doubt if you've lived in a stepfamily long, you've experienced rejection, sadness, anger and all kinds of pain.
True hope can only be found when we surrender to a relationship with Christ and choose to walk with Him daily. It's not glamorous. But it's satisfying. It offers an inward peace that nothing else can.
The stepfamily journey creates struggles of many kinds, particularly in the beginning. The challenges feel hopeless somedays. But with God's help, we can work through our difficulties, even when there are no answers.
In her book, Forgiving God, Carla McClafferty describes her struggle to find hope again after suddenly losing her fourteen-month-old son. "God taught me I had to depend on him daily. ... God didn't give me today the strength to face tomorrow. I had to depend on him one day at a time. "
Carla faced the reality of not understanding why God allowed the death of her son. "I would not know or understand why God allowed Corey to die. Somehow, when I accepted the fact that I would never know, I was able to stop searching for the answer."
And Carla acknowledged God's sovereignty in her circumstances. "In His divine authority, God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want Him to. Sometimes, God doesn't change our circumstances, God changes us in our circumstances."
If you're looking for hope on your stepfamily journey, I pray you look toward our Lord, Jesus Christ. You may not find all the answers to your questions, or understanding for your struggles, but you can find unending hope and strength for your journey as you depend on Him daily.
Where do you find hope on your stepfamily journey?
